


Saviour

by Tallulah



Category: Death Note
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Betrayal, Captivity, Choices, Deception, Dysfunctional Relationships, Emotional Manipulation, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Moral Dilemmas, Stockholm Syndrome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-23
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-04-23 02:20:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 72,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4859420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tallulah/pseuds/Tallulah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It seems as though Ide's only ally is Matsuda. On the other hand, can he trust anyone now that Kira rules the world?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Emptiness

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter originally written for prompt "empty rooms" for the 12daysChristmas challenge on LiveJournal. Further chapters to come.

At first all Ide feels is tired; too tired to raise his head, too tired even to blink. The light above him is encased in a metal cage, as if he's in prison.

***

If he thinks, he can remember. He doesn't want to remember. Just the thought of the memories makes him want to punch something, get up, fight, _escape_ , and he can't do any of it. Looking at the light allows him to pretend he's doing something useful, and keeps his mind off the past.

***

He sits up. There's a window filled with frosted glass; everything is so quiet and functional and clearly designed for keeping someone imprisoned that he catches himself wondering if this all makes sense and he really is a criminal. He wishes he'd still got his watch, or a clock, or had had the foresight to make marks on the walls (there wouldn't be any point, not now he's lost so much time in tiredness).

The memories aren't memories now, they're knowledge.

The door is unlocked, and he starts and then is angry that he did and digs his nails into his arms as two men walk in, one with a tray of food, one with a gun. He doesn't recognise them. One of them catches his eye, asks sardonically if he feels at home here. All he can do, hating that he's being set up to sound stupid, is snap back _Not particularly_. The other guy, eyes narrowed with rage, informs him that actually he's lucky to be alive and _you don't deserve Kira's mercy._ Ide's always hated the Kira acolytes who genuinely believe the spiel. He hates them even more now he's their prisoner.

***

Raito talks to him softly: _I'd like to help you, but I can't do that until you've chosen to help yourself. You took time to pick a side, remember? You can still change your mind... there's no shame in backing down..._ Ide tells him to go to hell, wants to point out that he evidently was doing far more to catch Kira when he was working as a regular detective than when he was on the task force with his quarry a few feet away from him. He doesn't, though. He doesn't see why he should hand over that marginally comforting thought to Raito. So Raito smiles and shakes his head and talks about how the world is still rotten at heart, how there are still criminals out there who make civilised people sick. _You and I know that you're not **that** kind of criminal, but they don't. If they seek a scapegoat - a sinner they can punish in place of one they can't - well, there isn't a great deal I can do to stop them._ The first beating comes two days later. The perpetrators are as angry as if he brought this on himself, pushed them beyond their limits.

***

He always makes himself look at people when they come in, so he sees right away that the man with the tray is Matsuda. All he can do is stare. Matsuda isn't a Kira supporter. Matsuda is on his side. By the time he's realised that he isn't dreaming, Matsuda has put down the tray, eyeing him nervously, and scurried back out of the room.

Ide prepares for his return, half-positive that it won't happen, that Raito sent his former colleague in just the once to mess with his head. And then he wonders if it won't just be food, if he'll look up and see that it's Matsuda kicking him in the ribs or wrenching his head back to allow someone else to get a better angle. But it's not, and then it's Matsuda who brings him lukewarm miso soup a few hours later.

***

It's another four or five meals before Ide can get up the guts to ask what's going on.

 _You sold out_ , he says. _Didn't you?_ Matsuda doesn't speak; just glances warily up and then down at the floor. Ide knew what the answer would be but it still makes him so stupidly angry, although he's not sure who with. He turns away before Matsuda can see his face. If they make eye contact then everything really will go to hell. Matsuda sighs, shifts from foot to foot; eventually, he says _I'm sorry_. Ide takes satisfaction in ignoring the apology.

***

He's scared but he doesn't know exactly why. It hurts to breathe and the air tastes of blood and the light is almost all squeezed out of his eyes and it isn't as if Raito gives a damn about him, has any interest in getting his psychotic followers to ease off. Raito's using him to demonstrate that it's not possible to live a happy life without love for Kira. Raito is demonstrating this successfully. Having his acolytes beat a sinner to death one day would probably be a valuable learning exercise for them.

Matsuda approaches hesitantly, as if he thinks Ide's in any state to yell at him.  _I... I brought you, like, an ice pack. It's really just ice cubes in a bag but it might help. It always worked for me. Like... like when I was in high school and stuff._ He sits down on the bed and after a few seconds Ide feels coldness against his palm; Matsuda's fingers are a little damp. Watery coolness against his eyes and nose numbs the pain, at any rate, and he breathes out, slowly, and then his breathing starts shaking and he grits his teeth.

 _Don't..._ Matsuda says, nervously patting his shoulder, _just... please?_

_Oh... oh, I'm sorry, am I reminding you that your new friends want me dead?_

_They're not -_

_Don't be so stupid._

Matsuda doesn't deny his stupidity. He just sits and waits. That's irritating, too.

***

_I brought you a book. It looks like the sort of stuff they make you read in literature class but... but I figured that was your type of thing, you know?_

Ide makes himself shrug and reach out for the book with a hand that almost isn't shaking. His thoughts go _it's mine, he brought me something that could be mine_ and _he remembers I don't like the stupid light novel crap he reads_ and _something from not in here_ \- And then _I don't care_ and then _Raito probably told him to do it_ and then _I shouldn't take it_ but already his hand's closed over it. The fatness of pages.

 _Thanks_ , he says, and it's hard even to get that word out.

***

He rereads the same page several times over, taking care to follow every word, or perhaps he's just too tired to concentrate on things the way he used to. Whenever he hears footsteps, he shoves the book under his mattress. Except he's pretty sure he must be being watched, so why don't they find it, rip it to pieces in front of him?

He wonders, too, whether they tolerate Matsuda or whether they'd like to be doing to him what they're doing to Ide. Perhaps that's why Matsuda's so friendly to him, hangs around longer and longer. Perhaps everyone else hates him. That's the comforting explanation. The thought that everyone knows and accepts what's going on, that Matsuda is rewarded every time he's kind to someone who really should be dead, makes him too sick to think about it.

***

Matsuda sits with him, waits while he eats, kicks heels against the bed and makes banal conversation. At last Ide gets up the guts to ask, _Are you meant to be doing this?_

Blank innocence. _Doing what?_

 _Talking to me. Being -_ He stops.

 _Raito doesn't mind_ , Matsuda says, glancing down at his hands. _He just wants me not to mess stuff up. Just let him get on with... with things._

_Seems a bit of a waste of resources keeping you alive, then._

_He only wants people to accept his new world and be happy in it_ , Matsuda says, quickly like someone chiming in with a song lyric. Ide nearly says _you really believe that?_ , and then nearly says _what did they do to you to make you believe that?_ , and then realises he probably already knows the answers.

***

Maybe Matsuda is lonely. He's here for much of the day, now: sometimes there's a reason for it, like food, or medical attention, or some small stupid gift, but other times he just hangs around, saying his usual pointless things, half the time not even seeming to need a reply. Ide doesn't mind. When Matsuda says things, Ide can listen to them, or reply to them, and still be him. At other times, he's not him; he's scared or he's forgotten how to think or he's listening to himself talk to an empty room and he doesn't know why he's doing it.

It all goes wrong when he's scared and Matsuda is there and Ide tries to behave normally but he's forgotten what counts as normal and he ends up saying to Matsuda, numbly, jerkily, _you have to get me out. I don't care what you do but you have to get me out_ and Matsuda is saying miserably _I can't, you know I can't_ and Ide is shaking him, knowing he can make him listen if he just finds the right words and somehow his hands are tangled in Matsuda's shirt and he slams him back against the wall and now he's not demanding, he's begging, _please, please_ and all at once he realises how stupid he must sound to Matsuda of all people and -

 _Stop it_ , Matsuda is saying, _stop it, oh god Ide I'm sorry, I'm_ \- and he's putting his arms round Ide and trembling like he's the one going mad. Ide's suddenly so tired again and he's slumping to the floor and Matsuda is still holding him, stroking his back, and when it turns into kissing Ide isn't even surprised at first, just grateful that _something_ is happening to distract him from the humiliation of what he just said. And then grateful for the kissing itself, for the tenderness, for the pointlessness, it's days since anyone else has done something for him that isn't _necessary_. A little later, he thinks of stopping, of asking some sensible questions, but Matsuda is warm and clumsy against him and if they do stop Matsuda might not come back, Matsuda's obsessed with romance, or he might be angry, might change sides properly, might take things away, and it feels good enough that it covers up the scared. And it hardly matters, in this place, if people see him do this, everyone hates him enough already.

Afterwards, Matsuda curls up next to him, half-lying on him, as if this is a perfectly acceptable place to sleep, and Ide only means it as a joke when he says, _Do you give this much attention to the other two?_

Matsuda goes still. _The other two_ , Ide says again, hearing his voice trail off, _they're here... aren't they?_

Matsuda props himself up on one elbow, but he only stares at the frayed edge of the blanket.

_Aizawa isn't... isn't doing so well. He doesn't... he doesn't like having me around. Sometimes... he thinks it's all my fault, he... he forgets that Raito... he forgets who Raito is. And... Mogi killed himself three weeks ago._

_Don't - no. That's not right, you're... or it was Raito. Raito must have killed him_. He's gripping Matsuda's arm, _you don't know anything! Obviously it was Raito. And... and Aizawa, he... he..._

 _Stop it, Ide, it's all right, it's all right_ \- and Ide's mind screams back at him _of course it's not fucking **all right**!_ but he doesn't say that, he finds himself echoing back instead _it's all right_ and Matsuda nods, tries to smile, _Yeah, that's it. Look, I... I'm sorry, I didn't know... I thought someone would have said..._

Ide wants to point out that Matsuda is the only person who actually talks to him these days rather than beating the shit out of him. He doesn't say that, either. He's too busy realising that he's doing the best out of all of them; neither dead, nor insane, nor a traitor. _Or maybe it's that you just haven't picked a choice yet_ , his mind sneers at him. He ignores it.

***

He knows that when Matsuda leaves, they'll come in and they'll hurt him. He knows that he's been through it before and he knows that he shouldn't be scared, but he is and he doesn't want Matsuda to leave. _You can stay. You can stay longer. You can - don't you dare -_

 _I can't - Ide, I have to go, I'll come back, I promise -_ Matsuda's hands on his, unhooking his fingers. He shoves at Matsuda and then he's hit out at him, sending him flying, _why the fuck did you even come here if you can't help? Why are you so bloody useless when it comes down to it?_ Matsuda stares up at him, shaking, back of one hand pressed to the mark on his face. Ide says, _you coward. This is all your fault_ without knowing why.

***

Raito is standing next to him, looking down at him. He swallows back blood and tries to think of what to say. He's still thinking when Raito says, _You're going to have to make a decision soon. You can't go on like this_.

Ide stays still. Moving will only hurt and Raito will see that it hurts.

 _Would you like to see Matsuda?_ Raito says. _I can ask him to come to you_.

Ide doesn't want to think about Matsuda. He lost his temper, said things because he wanted to hurt, all because he's the coward, he's the one who can't face any more of this and now he's ruined it, just like he ruined everything.

 _He won't..._ His voice is dry. _He won't show up._

 _I think he will if I ask him. He listens to me. He admires me, remember? Like he admired my father._ Raito speaks a little more gently. _If you like, I'll bring him here right away._

_You... you'd... you wouldn't do that._

_Yes, I would. If you're co-operative, I'll do all I can to make you happy. But I can't do things for people if they won't help me in return. If Matsuda's angry with you, I'll talk to him; I'll make everything all right. But I can't do that if you won't work with me._

Ide tries to sit up, and his breath hisses as pain jerks through him. _I can't - I can't do anything right now. If Matsuda - I didn't mean to -_

 _Will you help me?_ Raito says. _All I need is a yes or a no. Nothing more, at the moment._

It isn't a difficult choice. Even saying no will just mean that he gets left alone, to lie still and wait for the bruises to fade. Saying yes will get him lots more. Saying yes will sort everything out. So he says it.

When Matsuda arrives, he's oddly subdued, but even though Ide says _thank god you're being quiet for once_ , he knows he doesn't mean it.


	2. Survival

Ide keeps telling himself _this is about survival_. If you say _survival_ , that makes it sound as if you have a way to get to the end of this. That you only have to not die until the time when you are not in this situation.  


The more that he thinks it, the less real the word feels.  


Right now he is sitting opposite Raito and trying to have any kind of coherent thought at all. He had – he had thought that he was only uncomfortable around Raito because Raito was a serial killer who would happily see him dead. But somewhere along the way Raito has become more real than anything else. Real enough he can rewrite anything he chooses.  


Somewhere along the way, Ide has become frightened of him.  


He is sitting opposite Raito. Someone has made them both coffee. Ide doesn’t want to drink coffee, possibly not ever. The last thing he needs is a racing heart and anxiety.  


_How are you feeling?_ Raito asks.  


All right. That’s a question that has an answer. A safe answer. Ide breathes out, slowly, shallowly, and says, _Fine_. The _thank you_ is shaken out of him before he can stop it.  


_Good. I wanted a chance to talk with you now that you’ve had some time to relax. I hope that’s all right with you._  


Can’t. Can’t do this. Like being back at school, going into an exam he hadn’t prepared for. Spiky shadow out of the corner of his eye. The glimpse of Ryuk is almost comforting. As if things are back to normal. Ryuk never appeared to him while he was still locked away.  


And silence was the right answer, this time. Raito leans forward a little, says, _Do you understand what your new life here is contingent upon? You were tired out when we last spoke, and…_ A gentle smile. _Matsuda isn’t always the best at giving straightforward explanations._  


He hasn’t said anything to me. About… about anything. It had been obvious he’d been trying _not_ to say a lot of things, but Raito probably knows that, too.  


_You and he have pledged your loyalty to Kira. You will do all that you can to bring my new world to fruition – I’ve already talked to Matsuda about how your roles as NPA employees might be useful there._  


Expression cooling. He carries on, _As they say, if you’re not with us, you’re against us. There’s no more space for neutrality. You especially might like to keep that in mind given your history_. Ide thinks he must have frowned, because Raito says, almost impatiently, _this time it isn’t making a choice between L and the police, or L and my father, or anything like that. It’s choosing between Kira and not Kira. And you have made that choice._  


Feeling sick. Heart like a weight, like he can barely breathe. His thoughts over and over, _don’t speak, don’t move, don’t speak, don’t move –_  


_You understand that both you and Matsuda have a lot to prove_ , Raito carries on. _Your reputations precede you, as it were._ Leaning back. _If I think you’re no longer loyal to me, you will die. Do you understand that?_  


The understanding brings with it a weird sort of calm, like stepping in out of the rain. He nods.  


_If I tell you to do something, you will do it without hesitation. If you disobey me, you'll be dead. You’re not stupid, Ide_. Leaning forward again, voice low. _Someone like you might think that they could remain anti-Kira and try to weaken the new world from the inside. They might think that they could reveal information relating to Kira or his methods, or try and protect those Kira would seek to judge. I’m sure you’ve already speculated on similar actions. Any behaviour like that – anything that makes me doubt your loyalty – and you will be killed. It will be very quick and there will be nothing you can do to stop it. The same applies to Matsuda.  
_

_Do you understand that, too?_  


Ide manages to whisper, or mouth, something like _yes_. He thinks he can taste blood.  


_Good._ That smile. _For now, all you need to concern yourself with is recovering. You want to be at your best when you go back to work, don’t you?_  


Those are only words, as well. The idea isn’t real. A story you’d hold out to a child. But he nods anyway.  


Thinking of work, even if it’s another life, makes him think of something else.  


_What…_ No. Survival, remember? Things are going to be different and the quicker he… the quicker he starts understanding that, the easier it will be. _May I ask a question?  
_

_You may._  


He takes another breath. (This in itself won’t kill him. This is – he has to _ask_ –)  


_Matsuda said… he said Mogi was dead. Is that… is that true?_  


_Yes, that’s correct._  


Ide so nearly says _did you kill him_ but that’s because if he gets himself killed then at least this conversation will stop. He doesn’t. More important things to find out. _What about Aizawa?_  


_He’s still alive, if that’s what you mean._  


That might not even be true.  


_What’s going to happen to him?_  


_That depends on him, doesn’t it?_  


_Matsuda…_ Oh, god, what if this proves something about Matsuda, what if it damns them both – he can’t _think_ – it’s survival but he doesn’t know what to –  


_What about Matsuda?_ Raito says, gently.  


_He said Aizawa… that he’s lost it. He’s forgotten a… a bunch of things. Gone crazy, basically._ Even as he says it, it sounds stupid. Aizawa’s the most down-to-earth person Ide’s ever met. Not the type to start making up a bunch of stuff because he can’t face the truth.  


Raito smiles and Ide thinks _he’s laughing because it’s not true_ and then _no, he’s laughing at me because it **is** true_ and then he wants to beat Raito’s face in and it has taken, what, minutes to come close to getting himself killed, _do you not get it, did you not **listen** to all of this, **it’s all different now** –_  


He really wishes Matsuda were here. God knows why, because it isn't like Matsuda would help the situation, but he wishes it anyway.  


_Well, perhaps you can talk to him yourself, Raito says. Something you could do for me, actually, is try to convince Aizawa to see sense. He’s an excellent police officer; it would be a shame to waste that. Not to mention his family…_  


Amusement. _After all, he’s hardly likely to listen to Matsuda, is he?_ Like he can talk about how their colleagues used to act and it not be like looking down from a precipice.  


_I can talk to him if you… if you’d like me to._  


_That’s good. Let’s give it some time, let you adjust. Things have changed a lot recently. But you are going to have to change with them._  


In the background, Ryuk is laughing.  


***  


The day he goes back to work, a car collects him at the door.  


_I think you’re ready to go back_ , Raito said to him. _I’ll make all the necessary arrangements. And have someone collect some more of your clothes from your apartment. I’d like you to be ready to leave at eight._  


He blurted out before he could think, _I’m not going to make it in on time if I leave at –_  


_It’s all right_ , Raito said, soothing and amused and he thought, _stupid, stupid, why can’t you just keep your mouth shut_ – Raito carries on, _It will be one of my team’s vehicles. There’ll be room on the roads._  


In the car – driven by a man in black whom he doesn’t know, who could easily be one of the ones who kicked him or punched him or twisted his arm up behind his back until he couldn’t stop screaming. Sunglassed gaze watching him in the driver’s mirror. _Survival. Remember this is about survival._ And work is something he knows. Maybe it will help. Maybe he’ll get back to normal. Maybe it will _fix_ everything, he’ll walk in and they’ll all be there, the Chief and Aizawa and Mogi and Ukita, and Matsuda goofing around and talking about what he wants to do at the weekend and acting like he hasn’t got a care in the world, and –  


Sometimes you think of something and you didn’t realise how much you wanted it until it’s come into your head and then it’s like a needle, pain taking your breath away. He takes a deep breath. The driver’s still watching him. Let’s work on the basis it _was_ one of the guys who beat him up. _You didn’t see me break then and you’re not going to see me break now, you bastard_. Yeah, that does help, more than _survival_ did.  


The car pulls up outside the NPA building and he watches as the driver comes round to open the passenger door, jerks his head to say _get moving_. Needles of rain on his face and neck. He’s shivering and that wakes up the same stupid fear that grips him whenever Raito is nearby. That if he moves or speaks or makes a mistake he’ll die and the mistakes are inches away from him.  


_Let’s go_ , the driver says. Ide follows him up the rain-speckled steps. The reception area smells of wet carpet and floor polish. Lines of light reflect in the windows. He’d forgotten how familiar it was. In the background of far too many memories.  


They don’t stop at the reception desk but the guy on duty does a double-take as he sees them. Ide doesn’t remember him. He doesn’t even know what he’s scared of now. Maybe just that it’s people. These ones aren’t going to punch his face in but if they wanted to, if anyone wanted to, then he hardly has a way to stop them, does he?  


A different room. A different team. At first he doesn’t recognise a single face. Some people look politely indifferent. A few catch the driver’s eye, nod. _There’ll be people to keep an eye on you_ , Raito said.  


There are some he thinks he remembers from before. He works it out because these people are staring at him like he’s a ghost. Then they’re hastily looking away.  


It’s the usual murmur of voices all morning, briefings and caseloads and reports, but it’s like he is listening to it all through water. Time slows, and each word takes an age to hear and he loses track of what the sentence means. The same words keep coming up, though. _Blasphemy. Anti-Kira. Judgement.  
_

_We got a positive ID on the face?_  


_Yeah, the witness confirmed it. That’s the guy._  


_And it doesn’t matter if it isn’t, he’s not going to last long anyway, not with that rep._  


_Okay, file the mug shot and we’ll move on._  


_You’re settling in all right?_ the section chief asks him during the afternoon. He’s not said a word all day, doesn’t dare risk opening his mouth, but he manages to nod. The other man shrugs: _things have probably changed a bit since your time, right? Lot of people moved on, lot of restructuring… might feel like it doesn’t make sense at the moment, but it’ll fall into place soon. Good to have some of the old guard back, really. A lot of this bunch, they don’t remember what it was like before, and there’s no point in keeping old… well, grudges and whatever going. New dawn and all that._  


This guy has been watching him. A lot of people have been watching him. Not like he’s behaving oddly, or like they don’t trust him. Just like they want to see what he’s doing.  


_I don’t want to micromanage, of course, but I’ve been tasked with clocking you in and out. So don’t go offsite unless you’re told, all right?_ At the end of the day, he is told, _Satou’s going your way. You may as well get a ride with him_. No one points out to him that he’s basically on day release, but they hardly need to. This Satou guy’s holding a file. The file, the file of photographs, of faces, that they’ve been adding to all day. Ide doesn’t put it together until they’re back at the house. Satou follows him in and Matsuda is in the hallway, biting his lip and being very careful not to look Ide in the eye. He mumbles _Welcome back_ , and he takes the file from Satou and then he’s saying to Ide, _I need, I need to go deal with this, okay? If you want, I can come see you afterwards –_  


_What are you going to do with –_  


_Look, I just –_  


_It’s judgements,_ Ide hears himself say like he’s just waking up, _it’s the, it’s the day’s kill list, he’s going to, he’s just going to –_ His heartbeat too loud. _He’s going to_ , and tomorrow the file will be empty again, all those faces fed into the flames and he himself is just standing here like it means nothing – he’s just standing here watching it all happen –  


Satou, behind him, is saying, _He didn’t know?_ and Matsuda, _Ide stop it, it’s fine, it – it freaked me out too when I first – but it’s got to be done, you know it’s –_  


_But we’re just giving him –_  


Raito is on the stairs, watching them.  


_Yes_ , he says. _We’re giving Kira what he requires to make the world new. Did you forget?_  


Matsuda goes quiet, knuckles white on the file. Ide wants to be furious enough to shoot back something like, _what, that you’re a serial killer? No, actually I didn’t_ , but Matsuda breaks in, _he didn’t mean it, Raito, honest, he just, remember he’s only just come back, he doesn’t know…_  


_Perhaps he should take a moment to calm down_ , Raito says. _He wouldn’t want to say something he regrets._  


_We’re not just ending the hunt for Kira, we’re handing him his victims on a plate –  
_

He’s said it out loud but he hasn’t said all of it out loud because Matsuda has grabbed his arm – fingers digging in, hard enough to hurt – and is wrenching him down the hallway. Round the corner, into an empty room and then the other man’s hands on his shoulders, face inches away, and he is hissing, _You can’t just say that kind of stuff, you can’t just **say** it –_  


Ide knows it’s true and he’s trembling because he may have just got himself killed but – Matsuda doesn’t need to talk to him like he’s an idiot – Matsuda doesn’t need to act like he never says anything he shouldn’t –  


_Of course he’s going to wipe out everyone he doesn’t like but we don’t have to make it easy –_  


Matsuda shakes him. He’s horribly pale and Ide can see tears starting in his eyes, glinting in the city lights from the windows. _It’s not like that. Okay? It’s not like that now. He’s making the world better and that’s how it is and if you, if you keep saying things like that, then I’ll have to –_  


He stops.  


_You’ll have to turn me in?_ Ide hears his own voice too loud but he, he never thought that Matsuda would ever be a threat to him.  


_I’ll have to tell Raito_ , Matsuda says, dully. _He’s going to ask me what we’ve said, after this. If you start, if you start going on about… if you make it sound like you’re not… then he’ll kill you. You know he will. He’ll just kill you and you’ll be dead and it’ll have all been for nothing and I **can’t,** I can’t let – so I mean it, Ide, just stop –_  


Already the shock is fading. Already he’s remembering _survival_. And feeling sick at how close he might have come to screwing that up. A breath. Another breath. Matsuda staring at him, pleadingly.  


_Sorry_ , he makes himself say. _It just… surprised me._  


_Right_ , Matsuda says. _Right, it… you’ve been away from… from stuff for a while. It’d freak you out._  


Ide nods. He’s feeling really sick but if he doesn’t think about what his words actually _mean_ then he might make it through this. _I just… forgot that he has to… clear out the dead wood._ Maybe he believes this. He sounds as though he's understanding. Maybe it all makes sense and he's the crazy one.  


Matsuda is nodding and then hugging him and Ide can feel he’s trembling too, and taking quick, frightened breaths that are held between them. _It’s okay. It’s okay. Promise._ Once, Ide would have said to him _just how stupid do you think I am_. Now, he doesn’t.  


Come on, Matsuda says at last. _Let’s go back. He’ll want to know that… that everything’s all right. And I need to… I need to hand those photos over.  
_

_You left them with him, didn’t you?_  


Matsuda shrugs. _Yeah, but… they've got to be..._  


Which isn’t an answer, but it isn’t as if Ide wants to talk or even think about those photographs any more.  


The hallway is empty. Matsuda trails his way up the stairs, to the room where Ide remembers sitting and drinking coffee with Raito. Panic clutches his chest. Matsuda knocks. He’s gripping Ide’s arm as if he thinks Ide will just cut and run. Which isn’t an entirely unpleasant idea right now.  


_Except that if you run, if you ever run, you’ll be dead within an hour – as soon as he knows –_  


The door opens. Raito stares at them both. _Well?_  


_Ide’s sorry_ , Matsuda says. _He was just freaked out, it was just a shock. He’s okay with it. He –_  


_Ide’s not able to say this himself?_  


Matsuda glances at the floor, then at Ide. His fingers tighten, and Ide hears himself say, _Matsuda’s right. I’m… I’m jumpy right now, and I’m… not used to the police and Kira working… working so closely. That’s all._  


_And why should I believe you’re saying that for any other reason than to save your own life?_  


The question hangs in the air and of course there’s no answer to it.  


_Because I’m not going to… I’m not going to do anything to stop you ki – killing those people._  


Every breath. Every heartbeat. Actually, being this close to death is freeing. It’s entirely likely there’s no magic word to save himself, so he doesn’t need to struggle to think of any.  


_There’ll be… there’ll be more photos tomorrow. And I... understand that. I'm... I'm happy with it and tomorrow I'll add to the pile just like everyone else. And… and anything else you want me to do. You want me to… to beg for my life? I’ll do that, too, I’ll… you know I will. Anything._  


Raito studies him, faintly amused, and the jolt that he really _could_ tell Ide to do anything right now is like the ground falling away.  


_All right,_ he says. _Let’s see what happens. Let’s see how useful you can be._  


_Matsuda_ , he carries on. _Come in. You can see Ide later._  


Ide feels Matsuda’s hand slide off his arm. Raito puts a hand on his shoulder. Matsuda is shaking, still so pale it looks as if he’s about to faint, but he walks forward anyway, and the door closes behind them.


	3. Delusions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Nobody likes to feel they've been lied to, or that they've been misinterpreting a situation over a long period of time. It doesn't necessarily mean a lack of commitment to Kira.”

There are a few days that are a blur. They happened and Ide assumes he managed not to screw anything up, but he is outside Raito’s room and then he is back in his own, lying on the bed and still not quite believing he’s alive, and then there’s a few hazy memories of morning, of sunlight on desks, of folders and files he’s trying not to look at, and of moments where it feels like he’s waking up from a coma and _then_ he is feeling, he is thinking about what’s happening and wanting to put his fist through a window, but mostly there isn’t much, there isn’t much feeling or much memory and that’s easiest.

Memory starts to drift back. The days become real again. It’s become easier not to think about anything. And once he isn’t thinking about anything, he barely has anything to worry about. Work is work and he doesn’t need to worry about deciding how to get there or what to say. Back at – back at Raito’s house Matsuda is with him as soon as he steps through the door, almost, only disappearing briefly when Raito wants him for something. (Ide can’t imagine that Raito would really want Matsuda for anything, but the man is still alive, so he must have something to offer.)

It’s morning. It’s a day off. Sun at the edges of the blind. Matsuda curled up next to him, probably still asleep.

They can all work comfortably these days. No all-nighters and a day off every week. 

Which would make sense. 

He doesn’t follow that thought. Sits up a little to check the time. Matsuda blinks, yawns. _You okay?_

It’s early enough. He lies back down. Matsuda reaches out to him, arms round him. He’s tensed, as if he thought Ide was going to be angry with him. Climb out of bed and leave him. 

Ide lets himself be held, finds himself stroking Matsuda’s hair. He doesn’t know why. He doesn’t know why any of this; not that he’s stopped to think about it recently at all. It isn’t that he’s never gone with men before but he hasn’t found himself literally sleeping with them afterwards, hasn’t found himself waking up in someone’s arms more often than not. Least of all someone he (used to) work with.

He doesn’t want to think about work.

_Love you_ , Matsuda whispers against his throat.

It shouldn’t mean anything. Or it shouldn’t mean anything more than that Matsuda likes having him around and is talking nonsense as usual. But it’s like. It’s like someone starting to tell you some really bad news. You want to shout at them and make them stop talking because then you won’t have to hear it and that will make it not true.

_It’s okay_ , Matsuda is saying. _It’s okay. Don’t… I thought even you wouldn’t mind hearing it. Come on, Ide, I’ll – I’ll take it back if you want…_

Ide wants to snap that of course it’s okay, nothing is wrong, but the wanting-to-shout has stuck in his throat. It’s. It’s that he’s frightened again. It’s gripped him, shaking him until he can’t breathe and all he can do is wait until it lets go. 

_Idiot_ , he manages to say, as it does. Matsuda laughs – nervous with relief – lets go a little, rests on his elbows. _Guess you’re actually allergic to romance._

_I’m allergic to you not talking sense, clearly._

_You know_ , Matsuda says, a little later – he’s lying still, staring at the ceiling – _you know, Raito was wondering if you’d be able to talk to Aizawa._

That’s definitely not something Ide has been wanting to think about. Matsuda’s voice is dull enough that perhaps he didn’t want to do so, either.

_He’s_ , he begins, and then, _he’s still alive, then_. He’d thought, he realises, that Aizawa must be dead by now, because it was… it was easier that way. Because if he isn’t dead, then he must, he must be, what he must be like is…

_Of course he is_ , Matsuda says. _Raito wants him to understand._

_He thinks maybe if Aizawa sees that I’ve… understood, then maybe he…_

_Right. Like I… like I said, he…_ Matsuda turns away a little, resting his head on his arm – _he’s not… he’s got pretty… messed up about, about who did what. He kind of hates me. And he doesn’t trust… he doesn’t trust Raito. But you’re still his friend. Raito thinks it might really help, you talking to him._

Ide’s not sure about that – having someone else to despise for betrayal is probably only going to strengthen Aizawa’s resolve – but he knows an order when he hears it, even if it’s being passed on through Matsuda.

_Sure. Whenever Raito wants it to… to go ahead._

_I think he’d like it to be soon._

***

Ide finds himself dressed. Sitting in Raito’s office. Cold coffee on the table. He should have prepared for this. He should have… had the right thoughts. Calmed himself. Worked out what the hell he was actually going to say. If he can’t convince Aizawa to back down, will that be it for either or both of them? Surely if there was that much riding on this, Raito would have said so. Maybe he did and Ide has blotted it out. That’s not good. He has to be careful, he has to be sensible, or else, else –

_He’ll kill me, that’s all. It will be quick. He promised. He won’t do anything else. He’s not interested in torture. Just keeping people under control._

_He’s not going to do anything else. I’ve got nothing to lose but my life, right…_

No. That’s it, _that’s_ it, that’s why a love confession from Matsuda of all people bothered him so much. If Matsuda’s doing all of this because of love, that means he could stop doing it if he stops feeling like that. And Ide thinks – or doesn’t think, but turns away from the thoughts and studies their reflections instead – that if Matsuda weren’t there, then he himself would, he would – if Matsuda hadn’t cared enough to try and talk some sense into him then he’d still be locked up and – he didn’t want to have to think about what this _is_ , whether it’s love or physical need or fear, he just wanted it to be there. Somewhere along the way he’d started believing in it. 

_Hey,_ Matsuda is saying to him, trying to act casually. _You ready?_

_I… I guess._

Steps. Corridors. The smell of paint and bleach. Breezeblock walls. It all fits. It’s all the same. 

_It’s all right,_ Matsuda whispers. _It’s all right._ And then, _look, if you… if it’s going to… stress you out too much, I’ll ask, I’ll ask Raito if –_

_Don’t be stupid._

At last Matsuda says, _Aizawa will… look, whatever he says, I…_ And then, all at once, _you won’t hate me, right? Promise you won’t?_

_Why would I hate you?_

_I said, Aizawa’s not too happy with me_ , Matsuda mutters. _And you’re his friend. Maybe he'll... maybe you'll see me differently after you've talked to him._

_I see you how you are. Which is worrying about nothing. So stop it._

Matsuda doesn't look like he's going to stop worrying. He glances away, shoulders hunched. Ide wants to say to him, _Do you honestly think I can just ditch you? You really think I don't need – I don't need –_ whatever the hell it is they have. No. Matsuda's the one with all the power; he just hasn't noticed.

Stopping outside a door. Bolts. A heavy lock. The sight of them and – he doesn't even think it through, he's just saying, _I can't. I can't do it, I can't go in there –_

(And so _furious_ with himself because when did he get this weak? It isn't as if he didn't spend time locked up just like this, it isn't as if there's any suggestion that he won't get out, so why the hell he got so cowardly –)

_Can..._ Matsuda's shaking again. _I can, Raito will listen, maybe..._

The only thing worse than going in there is having to face down Raito. That helps. Choosing the less horrible option. He manages to shake his head. _No, I'll..._ All right, actually saying it won't help. _You'll come back? You'll come back..._

_Fifteen minutes,_ Matsuda says, squeezing his hand, _promise._

The shot of the bolt sliding back. The door slides open.

(A window of frosted glass, a light caged off, blank white walls)

He's stumbling forward and the door slams shut behind him. Too loud. He pictures Matsuda fumbling with the bolts. It helps, a little. Matsuda is too inept to be a threat. Matsuda is on his side. Matsuda said he loves him. Something like that.

Aizawa was slumped on the bed. He was trying to scramble to his feet but he's gone still, gripping the wall to keep himself up, staring at Ide. 

Ide makes himself stare back. 

He should have taken the time to speculate on what he might see. That might have made this easier. It isn't like he couldn't have guessed _unshaven, filthy, one eye swollen shut, dried blood_. He probably didn't look much better than this, before. But he is staring in shock and Aizawa will know why and must hate it, must hate being seen like this, pitied –

“I thought... I thought you must be dead.” Aizawa's voice rasps.

“Why?”

A shrug. A wince at the movement. “Didn't... see why he'd keep you alive. Didn't think you were the type to... to toe the party line.”

Ide takes a step forward. Maybe if he gets closer it will feel less like this is a monster, something sewn out of pieces of someone he used to know. Ryuk has stitches running across him, white, uneven. Kira making the world new. He feels sick.

“But... but you did, right?” Aizawa's voice shakes a little. “You look a hell of a lot better than me right now.” A short, pained breath as if he can't get enough air. “You come to... talk me into the righteous path?”

If Raito or Matsuda expect him to start lying, they're both a lot stupider than he's given them credit for. “Yeah. Raito sent me.” Another step. Aizawa sinks back onto the bed. His head slumps. 

“Save your breath,” he says.

“You look like hell.”

“No shit.”

“You sound like hell, too.” Ide risks perching on the bed next to him. “Please don't tell me you've got pneumonia on top of everything else.”

“I think the bastards cracked a rib.” Another quick breath. “Don't know when. Can't remember. Give it a rest, don't look at me like... like you give a damn. You're on their side, right?”

“Well... yes, but... that's because –”

_Because Matsuda was letting me fuck him and if I'd had to give him up I'd have snapped, so –_

“Because I'm not stupid, and I didn't think you were either. The new world's going ahead whether we're making martyrs of ourselves or not.” What the hell does Aizawa think he's accomplishing anyway? “Say what he wants and you'll be alive – that's more than we were expecting –”

“Shut up.”

“You can see your wife and kids, you can go back to work – you're killing yourself slowly here –”

“Shut _up_. Heard it all – heard it all before, okay? I know the speeches.” 

“Then why the hell are you carrying on with this? Are you – _are_ you just waiting to die? Is that it?” He's gripping one hand with the other, scared if he doesn't he might hit out because – “You're that stubborn you can't admit we lost? You're just going to, to give up and die because you're too proud to –”

“How long did it take before you gave in?” 

Which knocks the rest of the sentence, whatever it was, out of his head. The question’s like jolting a bruise. _Don’t pretend you’re different from me. Don’t pretend this is what you wanted, either. You let them break you and now you’ll do whatever they say._

“Don't know.” He’s looking at his hands. Trying to focus on words. He doesn’t want to look Aizawa in the face, that’s for sure. “Lost... I lost track of time. I... not long before I... around that time Matsuda said that Mogi – he died three weeks ago. So, at least that. Not much more.”

“Couldn't take the pain?” Aizawa says. It's not actually a jeer but it might as well have been. Ide bites down hard on the inside of his mouth and, “It wasn't like that,” he says. “I realised it was going to carry on until I died and no one was... no one was going to make it stop and it wouldn't make any difference whether I... whatever I... and Matsuda –”

He bites off the sentence.

“Right,” Aizawa says. “Matsuda was already there... setting such a good example for you.”

He spits out the words as if Matsuda were behind all of this, and Ide remembered what the man said before, _he thinks it's all my fault. He forgets who Raito is._ Not that Aizawa sounds like he's forgotten anything about Raito. 

“You're surprised he broke down? You know what he's like... and he practically admitted he could see where Kira was coming from, that time.” He sounds obnoxiously blasé about it, as if he's one of those people who refuses to show they care about anything. Well, so what? He's hardly going to tell Aizawa how he felt like he'd had the wind knocked out of him when he realised Matsuda had given in...

Aizawa's staring at him like _he's_ the probably-crazy one.

“You don't know, do you,” he says.

“Clearly not.”

Aizawa actually laughs. He has a tooth missing. Ide hadn't noticed it before. He's thinking about the taste of blood, of deciding whether to fight back or whether to curl up and wait for it to be over. One of them said, once, something about hands. About if your hand leads you in to sin you should cut it off. The man had been trying to convince the rest of them that breaking fingers was within the boundaries of whatever definition of reasonable force Raito had given them. 

Why is he still thinking about it? Why is he deliberately scaring himself as much as if it's still happening?

“Ide,” Aizawa is saying. Gasps for breath. “Don't pretend you're not... you're not listening. _Ide._ ”

It's very hard to listen and not to think, but he makes himself look round. 

“Matsuda was in on it... from the start,” Aizawa says. “Didn't... _give in_. He... he set it up.”

Ide stares at him and he stares back like he hasn't just said something so – something like –

_Matsuda did this, all of it, acted like he cared when he knew what – when he knew everything –_

He blinks and he takes a breath and there's silence like the world's just finished crumbling.

“What...” His throat is dry. Swallows. Tries again. “What are you talking about?”

“Switched... he switched sides long ago. I don't know the details, but...” Aizawa glances at the door, then carries on, more quickly, “Matsuda didn’t give a shit about Kira taking over the world, like you said – he knew whose side he wanted to be on… but he got squeamish about… about us dying… couldn’t deal with it being people he knew… he got Raito to lock us up instead…”

“And, and what, beat a conversion out of us?” Ide hears his voice rise. “He thinks this is the moral high ground? What –” And Matsuda never _said_ anything, never gave a hint that maybe all the pain and the waking nightmares and Mogi's death and Aizawa bruised and bleeding and half-mad were anything to do with him –

_He said he –_

_was on my side, he –_

_He understood –_

He's starting to lose it. Screams under the skin and, and he can't just sit there and wait for them to hit, can't just... he's got to _calm down_ but – he's got to make it stop, he – he's not going to do this, he's not going to let this be true –

A hairline crack. Light. _Is_ it true? 

Because Matsuda _said_ Aizawa had latched on to him as the guilty party – all right, Aizawa had hardly seemed _not himself_ , if anything he seemed nothing but himself, ground down to the basics – but... 

“Look,” he says, and already he sounds less like he's on the verge of a nervous breakdown, “are you sure about this?”

“What, you don't believe me?” Aizawa is staring at him like they're discussing something self-evident. 

“Matsuda had some qualms about Kira, sure, but that doesn't necessarily translate to –”

“He was screwing Raito,” Aizawa says. “Still is, I bet. Don't tell me you missed the way he's head over heels for him.” Scornful. Like it's so obvious. _Don't tell me you believed all that love crap. Don't tell me you actually wanted to buy into it._ “Matsuda, Matsuda found out Raito was Kira...” Stumbling over the words. “Reckon while we, we left the two of them together. Couldn't deal with the idea of turning in his –” Sweat is glistening on his face and his teeth are gritted. “So he switched sides, but he, he got cold feet about us actually dying...” He hunches over, his breathing hoarse and rough.

“Give it a rest, you're going to pass out at this rate.”

Aizawa must be feeling pretty rotten because he doesn’t even argue. Good. The silence gives Ide time to gather his thoughts. 

Matsuda would – if he and Raito had something, something going on, then surely it would be obvious. Matsuda spends the night with Ide more often than not. And, and why would Raito even want Matsuda? Raito's not like that, Raito's... he's been living with Misa for five years... and even if he did feel like that about men, then why on earth would he pick Matsuda of all people?

And – and Matsuda stuck with the case for as long as the rest of them. _Longer_ than Ide, strictly speaking. And sure, he asked them whether they thought Kira was evil, but he finished that little speech by saying that he knew Kira needed to be stopped. 

Didn’t he?

No, this is… no. He’s not… Matsuda _said_ , he said Aizawa had lost it a bit. Hell, Ide knows what it’s like, knows how easy it is to start forgetting who you are when you’re shut up in the same place with nothing to do but wait for other people to decide what’s going to happen. And Matsuda’s always got on Aizawa’s nerves. Why wouldn’t that translate into full-blown accusation, given the stress the man is under?

Aizawa forces another breath. “Amane.”

Ide frowns at him. “What about her?”

“Seen her since you’ve been allowed out?”

“I… no, but what’s that got to –”

“I reckon she’s dead,” Aizawa says. “You know what she’s like. She’d put up with… with Raito fucking someone else for the cause for a bit, but then she… she’d start… making trouble. And she’s nothing to him now she’s not… Second Kira.”

“Aizawa. Listen to me –” Aizawa’s already turning away, frustration on his face, as Ide carries on, “You’ve got no proof for any of this. How do you even know about it? Did you – you never _saw_ Matsuda and Raito together, like that. Did you? And Matsuda never said to you that –”

“I knew you’d act like this.”

“What, asking if you have any hard evidence for your crazy theory?”

“You got any proof it _isn’t_ true?” Aizawa snarls at him. “Matsuda’s not had a mark on him all this time, has he? And if it wasn’t like that, why the hell are any of us still alive? What’s Matsuda got to offer Raito if he hasn’t made a pretty big commitment to his cause? And why the _fuck_ are they going on with all _this_?” He waves a hand round at the cell. He’s shaking. “We don’t have any information he wants – hell, we – we know too much, we’re more a risk alive than anything – there’s nothing we can do to help Kira that someone else can’t do just as well – and if, and if it was just Raito gets off on seeing us getting knocked around then you’d be dead once you’d given in... unless... someone else wanted you alive...”

God, he's been thinking about it for weeks (and why the hell shouldn't he? You look for something your mind can pick at, something that can take you out of where you are –) But he's turned it into some kind of massive _conspiracy_ , without a shred of evidence other than that Matsuda hasn't suffered like the two of them have. And Ide doesn't know what the hell he can say to fix it.

“Look, I need to get going.” He sounds awkward, like this is an acquaintance he doesn't particularly want to talk to. “I – I understand why you think that... I see why you're saying that... but you've got no real proof, and... and I don't think it's a good idea for us to keep focusing on it.” 

“I can't believe you're denying what's right in front of your face.” Aizawa almost yells it. “I thought you were smarter than this. You're the one who needs to... to face the facts and...”

“Stop it. I'm not listening to this any more. And... and what does it matter, anyway? The point is that you're going to...” He tries to sound practical. Calm. “You're going to get seriously hurt if you don't back down. You can't...” He doesn't sound calm at all. He sounds _pleading._

“I know… what I’m doing.”

“Really.”

“You’re right… this place does your head in, fine, but… it’s not… going to be any better on the other side of that door. Is it?”

“I’m enjoying not getting daily black eyes, so yes, in my opinion, it is better.” 

“Well, I’m enjoying not buying into the Kira version of reality.”

Before Ide can really lose patience, he hears the bolts being drawn back, scrambles to look round and see the door swing open. 

It's not Matsuda on the other side, though. It's Raito. Amused, tolerant, like they're two kids arguing over nothing.

“That's probably enough for today,” he says.

Ide gets to his feet. He doesn't want to glance back at Aizawa, but the thought of walking out as though this was nothing more than a professional meeting... “Just... just think about it, okay?”

Aizawa scowls and turns away from him.

Out in the corridor, Ide keeps his gaze on the opposite wall until he’s sure Raito’s finished relocking the door. He wishes it had been Matsuda who'd come to let him out. Matsuda would... Ide could say to him, _I see what you mean, he's not good_ , and Matsuda would... would say something and... All the stuff Aizawa said, it's the kind of thing once you see the person you know it's all bullshit, but it just... it sticks around in your head until then...

“What did you think?” Raito says.

Staying still. Staying _calm_. It's fine, it – “About…”

“About his condition.”

His mind's blank. His mind's blank and that's really bad because he has to answer. But god knows what Raito wants him to think. Maybe he's not even supposed to care about the accusations against Matsuda because it would only mean Matsuda had chosen the right side sooner? How's he supposed to pretend it didn't get to him (even if only for a moment when he actually bought it?) And – and even if he doesn't talk about that, if he – if he says Aizawa’s stubborn as hell and is digging his heels in even more than usual then will that get his friend killed for being a lost cause? But he can't lie and say he thinks they made a breakthrough – Raito's not stupid enough to believe that for a moment – 

“Ide,” Raito prompts – not angry, nothing more than slightly amused at the lack of response. He swallows and words fill his mouth, “He looks like hell. He can’t keep going like that.”

“You and I know that, but I’m not sure he does.” Raito starts walking down the corridor. Ide follows. He feels like he's going to stumble.

“He… he knows. He… his back’s to the wall, that’s why he was sounding off at me.”

“What did you think about what he said?” Raito says.

Oh, _god_. “It... it doesn't... it doesn't matter even if it... was true.” All right, it's not possible to sound less convincing than this. “Matsuda... worked out what was... what was right. Doesn't... doesn't matter when he did it.”

“It seemed to matter to you back there.”

The top of the stairs. Another door, which Raito unlocks and relocks as they pass through. Long windows at the end of the corridor, rain-light on the carpets. Ide knows he should be saying something but he has no idea what he _can_ say. Other than, _you're going to kill me for this, aren't you,_ and he's pretty sure if Raito says _yes_ then any chance he has of facing death with dignity will go out of the window. It's easier just to keep following, keeping his gaze on the floor, on Raito's feet ahead of him.

They stop. 

“Let's talk about this in private.”

A room lined with bookcases. Ide can't make his thoughts focus enough to read the titles of what's on the shelves. Maybe this was where Matsuda got that book he brought. Maybe he'd planned it all – except no, this is _stupid_ , you don't buy into someone _else's_ delusions –

They're sitting down. Raito looking at him. Concern. Nothing more. 

“You're obviously upset by the idea of Matsuda having come to Kira while the task force was still in existence,” he says. “And that's all right. Nobody likes to feel they've been lied to, or that they've been misinterpreting a situation over a long period of time. It doesn't necessarily mean a lack of commitment to Kira.”

A path being shown. All right, he can follow it. He nods. One word in front of another. “I get that things… things are different now. It's... it's just that...”

It feels suicidal, telling Raito this much, but there's nothing he can do, and really, who else can he say this to?

“I thought that he'd... been through the... the same as me. You... you feel stupid when you... realise you just … you might have just assumed something.”

“And you don't like the idea of Matsuda having secrets from you.”

Ide feels himself actually turning red. As if his thoughts are floating above his head for anyone to read. He doesn't need to say anything this time. Raito is looking at him sympathetically.

“Matsuda's very fond of you,” he says. “Please don't worry about that.” Leans forward a little. Grey light reflected in his eyes. “He's yours, Ide. You can keep him as long as you want to. I promise you that.”

Ide has to grit his teeth to try not to... fall to bits somehow. He didn't realise how much he'd wanted to hear this. It – and it's not, you shouldn't have to, but – he was scared, he's been scared for days, and – whatever Raito says happens, so why shouldn't this be a promise?

He manages to say, at last, _thank you,_ and as he gets the words out he has to look away. No one should see just how much this matters to him. He hears Raito stand up, feels the other man walk past him. A hand grips his shoulder for a moment. “Matsuda's busy right now, but please make some time to see him this evening. He's been worried about this meeting.”

“Of course. Of course I will.”

“Now, concerning Aizawa...” 

Ide doesn't want to think about Aizawa – there are no thoughts that won't pinch in some way – but he keeps his mouth shut as Raito continues, “I'm as concerned about him as you are. I expected him to put up some resistance, but I think it's obvious to both of us that he's putting himself in real danger. Therefore, I'd be very grateful if you'd be willing to continue to work with him to help him understand.”

“I... of course, I...” He's talking too much, agreeing to things, wandering into things as if, as if he can _trust_ Raito (but perhaps he can? It's not like he can trust anyone else) ( _No_ , he isn't going to think like that – he can trust Matsuda, Raito has said it's not true –)

“I can try,” he manages to say, “but he... he isn't too fond of me either, and I... and he knows what to say to, to get to me…” Hell, just arguing for hours with someone who used to be his friend will get to him. 

“But he trusts you. He still values your opinion, and his grip on reality is... shifting. You have a chance to reshape it into what's best for him. Remind him that his defiance is achieving nothing. That his family miss him. That –”

Ide hadn't even thought about Aizawa's wife and kids. “Are they all right? His family? Are they still alive?” Wanting to block out the answer in case it's _no,_ how the hell could he face Aizawa if it is –

Raito squeezes his shoulder again. “Of course they are. I wouldn't let anything happen to them. You should know that –” but it's tolerant, gentle, not a coded reprimand, so Ide breathes out, tries to let go of the panic. 

Really, it's not like anyone else has a chance of persuading Aizawa to the cause. Ide at least knows him and knows why he's being like this. And any statements along the lines of _you're going to get yourself killed and I don't want to see that happen_ , Aizawa will at least know Ide means them.   
_And if I don't do it, they'll just keep beating him until they do some real damage or..._

Not that a broken rib is exactly nothing.

Had it been a day or two ago, Ide would never have dared ask this, but Raito is listening to him and this seems to a conversation where people are being granted things. “May I... I mean, I'm not saying I wouldn't... I'll help whatever, but I could...” The more he speaks the more frightened he is and so he makes himself blurt it out, “I could take him some painkillers, for the busted rib. He isn't breathing properly. It could be dangerous. But only if, only if you say it's all right, I'm not trying to –”

“It's fine,” Raito says, his voice warm, and Ide feels the relief break over him again, so strong that he's dizzy. “I think that's a very good idea. It will demonstrate the benefits of cooperation to him. And hopefully that will lead him to the right path.”

It all sounds so simple when you say it like that.

Raito lets him stay in the room a while, pick up a couple of the books to take back with him. He sits and reads for a while, but his ability to follow long paragraphs and complex sentences still isn't what it used to be and so his mind keeps wandering. He tries to force it back. Aizawa will be fine. Matsuda will be there forever. Everything is all right and he is safe and...

(What _is_ Matsuda doing with himself when he's not with Ide? He isn't back at the NPA and Ide can't see either him or Raito being happy with him filing and running errands. Maybe he's got another job somewhere else. Raito could sort that out, given what he can do.)

He can't, he _mustn't_ just sit here thinking about this. Raito told him to talk to Matsuda, so it won't be a problem if he just goes in search of him and solves all of this.

He visited the room where Matsuda sleeps, a few times. When he was still pulling himself together. Because Matsuda would say to him, _let's take a walk_ , they would trail down the corridor and Ide would try to pretend it wasn't giving him vertigo that the walls and the world just kept going and didn't end in a locked door. Now, after a few wrong turns, he finds himself in the right corridor. He knocks, and wishes it felt less like he was confronting something.

Matsuda calls _Hello?_ like he's nervous.

_It's me._

_Oh, okay, just –_ Shifting about, papers rustling, a drawer opens and shuts. _Come on in –_

The room is like a hotel room, or a display set. Neatly-made bed, dark blue sheets. A window looking out onto the back of another building, air vents and blank walls. A desk, empty – a bright light on it, the only illumination in the room. The light and shadow picks out a small TV, and scattered papers. Newspapers. It’s not bright enough to read the headlines, but Ide doesn’t want to anyway.

Matsuda, just getting up from the desk, looks tired, but he manages to smile. _Hey, are you doing okay? Raito said it was kind of... difficult for you._

Ide makes himself shrug. Glances away. _Aizawa's ill. I'm going to try talking to him again, see if it'll help_. As he speaks, words are welling up in his mouth: _what he said, is any of it true, how long did you hold out, were you and Raito ever – ever –_ Talking is too dangerous. He is next to Matsuda, gripping his shoulders, and he's frightened Matsuda will pull away, will make him admit what he's scared of. But of course he doesn't. Why would he? He sighs and it seems like it's a sigh of relief and kisses him, desperate, as if he thinks they're going to get caught. They slump against the wall, clutching at each other, Matsuda already writhing against him as if he's been waiting for this all day, and that makes it even better, that Matsuda wants this, needs it, needs him –

Hands, clothes, breath against his face, Matsuda's fingers shaking. Matsuda always acts like he's grateful, like intimacy with anyone is better than nothing at all. If Raito had slept with him he was probably so grateful he couldn't speak – 

Wasn't going to think about that. It makes it – this was supposed to be an escape, it was always an escape, and if Matsuda is just doing the same things now that he did to Raito...

_Ide?_ Matsuda says, looking up at him, puzzled, and he shakes his head. _It's fine._

Perhaps Matsuda is looking to block something out too. He’s fumbling, rough, as if he’s acting on instinct rather than thought. That helps, too. Ide can pretend only one of them isn’t thinking. He can pretend he’s the rational one.

Afterwards they are lying in bed together. Ide thinks he falls asleep – the desk light fades, and so do the thoughts he’s trying not to look at. When he’s back in reality, Matsuda is half-asleep on him.

_This is all right?_ he mumbles. _You’re… you’re happy?_

_Yes._ Ide says it automatically, without having to think about what it means. _Yes, everything’s fine._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the inconsistent indication of speech in this chapter. The conversation with Aizawa felt wrong in italics, whereas for the rest of the fic I was trying to go for a sense of distance and numbness. Yes, I am self-indulgent when it comes to formatting.


	4. Masks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matsuda is pretending he is asleep. Sometimes he gets tired of the secrets. Mostly he can tell himself that having secrets makes you special, but sometimes he just wants to be him again rather than having to remember which version of him Raito and Ide each expect.

Matsuda waits for the storm to break for one day, two, almost a week. But it doesn’t.

He’s got away with it.

He’d thought for sure as soon as Ide talked to Aizawa then everything would fall apart. Ide would find out what had happened. He’d confront Matsuda about it and lose his temper. Raito would find out. Ide wouldn’t be calm enough to say the right things and so he’d be killed. This has been a known fact for days and Matsuda has been hardly able to eat for waiting for it. Actually, he’s still sick with worry, he’s still waiting for some final line to be drawn under everything, but in the real world, everything stays still and quiet.

_You don’t think this is going to chip away at his loyalty?_ Raito says.

They’re watching the camera feed to Aizawa’s cell. Ide is sitting on the bed again while Aizawa, slumped against the wall, won’t look at him. 

_No. He… he thinks Aizawa’s making it up._

Raito’s fingers, stroking the back of his neck, pause for a moment. _Then there is a risk. If he stops thinking that –_

_But I don’t think he will._ Matsuda hates having to disagree with Raito but up to a point, he has to, otherwise it’s withholding information. Of course if you take it too far, it’s blasphemy and you have to die for it, but this is safe – 

(It had been that Mogi had said, that final night, he had said, _are you waiting to see if I’ll switch sides? Does it matter what I say?_

Matsuda had said _of course it matters. Of course it does, Kira wants everyone to be happy._ He’d said _he won’t just kill you, he’s giving you a chance_ and he’d nearly said _I promised him I’d make you understand_ but he can’t say that out loud. That is the secret. Only Mogi looked at him like he’d already worked it out, and nodded, and the next morning he was dead.

Matsuda screamed at Raito _did you kill him_ , and he said a lot of other things too, and Raito, narrow-eyed and white with fury, was gripping his wrists and whispering in his ear _don’t **ever** talk to me like that – don’t you dare –_ )

Raito’s hand on his face. _Matsuda. You’re daydreaming again._ Amused. Matsuda makes himself smile, a shaky smile, and says he’s sorry. They were talking about Ide. _I don’t think he will. Ide’s not so good at pretending. If he was bothered by it, he’d keep asking me stuff. He hasn’t, he doesn’t want to talk about it, and –_

On screen, Ide says, _You can sulk if you want, but it doesn’t exactly make this interesting –_

Aizawa snaps, _You got him to give me something for the pain so now you feel owed, is that it?_

_No, it’s –_

_And I’ve said all I’ve got to say. You’re the one who tells me you don’t want to hear it._

Ide doesn’t answer.

_This is boring_ Ryuk says from behind Matsuda. _I don’t wanna hear it, either. It’s always the same._

_If he… if he was suspicious,_ Matsuda tries to explain, _he’d be asking Aizawa about it. Whenever I’ve seen them he tries to talk about something else._

_If you thought he did have suspicions_ , Raito says, _would you tell me?_

_Of course I would. I promise._

Sometimes Raito will say to him _I know you would, I never doubted you, my Matsuda, my Eyes,_ and talk about how they’re creating the new world together. But sometimes, this time, he is just silent. It makes Matsuda feel like such a liar; that he’s said something so blatantly untrue that there isn’t a response to it. Then he starts wondering if he said something completely different to what he thought and how one person can be this stupid. 

_I would,_ he says now, _I promised_ , trying to hear the truth in his own words, but it sounds weak. Like he’s covering something up.

_I hope you would_ , Raito says. _I believe that you think you would. But Ide needs you, and you like feeling needed. What if he were asking you to keep something from me? Or if you thought that he was?_

Sometimes there are these questions, when Raito can say things about Matsuda that _he_ didn’t even know about himself. That isn’t the worst that can happen, but it scares him anyway. Sooner or later he’ll get an answer wrong and then Raito will stop loving him. Even now, he’s only like this – special, Kira’s Eyes, Kira’s ally, Raito’s lover – because he made a choice, terrified, in the dark, and somehow landed on the right one without even knowing how he managed it.

( _But you can't_ , he was saying to Raito. It was dark and he was very sleepy and he kept saying, _but you can't just kill them_ and Raito only said, _they want to kill me, don’t you understand that? And they certainly don't want to see a new world born – they want to keep everything the same – they've been fighting to keep things the same for five years now_ – and Matsuda knew that was all true but the thought that Raito would kill these people he'd spent pretty much all of his waking hours with and not even mind, not even be a bit upset about it –)

_I don’t hide things from you,_ he says. _I can’t._

Which is sort of true. He never holds back something that he _knows_ Raito wants him to tell. He never straight-up lies. But also he knows he talks too much and a lot of it is stuff Raito doesn’t want to hear. If he just said everything that was on his mind…

Raito says to him, _Good. Don’t ever try, will you? I’d hate to lose you_ and that’s the kind of thing that makes Matsuda’s stomach lurch like he’s on a rollercoaster, sick and scared and yet _happy_ with fear, because he doesn’t think anyone has really been bothered to lose him before, especially not someone as perfect as Raito. When he’s feeling like this, he can forget about a lot of the other things.

***

_Ide needs you,_ Raito said to him. _You don’t mind keeping him happy, do you?_ And Matsuda had shaken his head and almost said _it makes me happy, too_ except that he’d realised that would fall into the category of stuff Raito’s not interested in.

Kissing Raito is still like lightning, still like drowning in the shock that Raito is _this close_ and _this beautiful_ and Matsuda has caught himself thinking, sometimes, when they’re together, _this is how it would feel like, being next to a god, that proves it._ Kissing Ide is not like that. Kissing Ide is safe (as much as anything is safe these days) and like you’re walking with someone else over thin ice, like it might crack any moment and you don’t know whether you want it to or not. 

And Ide _does_ need him. He still tries to pretend that he doesn’t, that he’s like he was before, but Matsuda knows he can’t sleep if he’s on his own, and whenever they’re in the same room Ide keeps glancing over at him as if he expects him to vanish. No one’s ever been like that with him. Of course Matsuda keeps coming back for more.

(Sometimes when they’re doing it, then sounds, fingers, gasps, those things make him think of what happened before. He mostly tried to be at the other end of the house when people were, were hurting any of the task force but Raito made him watch some of the footage for Ide after they’d agreed Ide was the one he had the best chance of persuading. So he knew what things were like.)

(He doesn’t think about what things were like.)

When they’re in bed, like now – just sleeping – he prefers to lie so he isn’t looking at Ide’s face. As long as you do that, the lifespan doesn’t show up. Ide’s lifespan is, is, Matsuda knows it must be pretty low just because there are fewer numbers. That’s an even worse secret than all of the others and it is never, _never_ going to be told, Matsuda is just going to make Ide happy and make sure he doesn’t stress out and then he’ll ultimately have done good because Ide will have got another… another fifteen years? Ten years? And he’ll have been happy. He says that he’s happy.

Anyway. Right now Matsuda is curled up with his back to Ide, who is saying, _Are you asleep?_ , wary as if he thinks Matsuda will be angry with him.

Matsuda is pretending he is asleep. Sometimes he gets tired of the secrets. Mostly he can tell himself that having secrets makes you special, but sometimes he just wants to be _him_ again rather than having to remember which version of him Raito and Ide each expect. 

It’s hard to remember that just because Ide used to tolerate him as he was and he didn’t have to fake anything, it doesn’t mean that will be true now.

And he can admit to himself, if only to himself, that he’s not who Raito wants him to be. Not really. He thought that… he thought that switching sides would change him into one of those Kira supporters who just believe, who can just see that the world is better. But it didn’t. He’s still him, stupid and confused and prone to saying the wrong thing and making mistakes, but now the stakes are so much higher.

Raito said to him, at the start, _you understand you may need to help me eliminate people we know. People you’ve spoken to. It won’t all just be photographs,_ and – 

When it’s photographs it, okay, it’s like shooting down bad guys in a video game. Or not even that. It’s a chore. Something kind of boring but easy enough to complete that even he can’t mess up. The first few times he’d known what some of the people had done and then it had been like… tidying up, like looking round and thinking _well, that’s better than it was before I came in._ But these days he doesn’t usually know what they did. He just writes the names.

Ide would tell him he’s a murderer.

That’s probably why Matsuda still feels like there’s a reckoning due. Sooner or later he is going to let one of them down. This night he has the dream where he wakes up and he hasn’t killed anyone and he’s so pleased but then he finds out that the other three are dead because he was too scared to help Kira. They’ve left him a letter, saying they know what he did, that their deaths are all his fault. The dream should be full of yelling and fury but it's silent. Everything is as normal, but no one will look at him, and he can't see their faces.


	5. Splinters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Say nothing and have the truth beaten out of you. Lie and get caught out and be punished for trying to hide things. Admit everything and then wait to die.

Ide can feel the questions, stuck under the skin like a splinter, but he is getting very good at ignoring them.

The sky is heavy grey and the cold knocks the breath out of him whenever he's outside.

He manages to avoid going outside unless he absolutely has to. At work, it's well-known that people prefer him to do the desk work. The meticulous jobs. Working with information that he doesn't have a big picture for, in a place where he can be easily seen. That's all right. He's good at that kind of task. If he sometimes catches himself thinking that Mogi was better at it, then that's a momentary stab and he is getting better at ignoring those, too.

Matsuda comes to the NPA now, too. To pick up the photographs. To study lists of names. To be one of the ones watching. That's no secret, either. Matsuda is greeted by them when he walks in. Fetches coffee with them, lingers for a few moments to talk. The well-liked, well-trusted colleague Ide knows he's always dreamed of being. 

_What have you done to prove yourself to them?_

Not that Matsuda looks particularly happy about getting what he wants. Not that he looks a great deal _anything_. When Ide thinks of the Matsuda of the past, he thinks of someone _cheerful_ or _worried_ or _angry_ or _confused_. Matsuda now is someone who, if he is any of those, isn't going to let anyone know it. A blank, watchful face. Except that sometimes, when he thinks Ide's asleep, he lets it slip. The look of exhaustion, of despair, underneath, is, it, it –

(It's been like that a couple of times with Aizawa now, more recently. You see just how bad things are and you don't know what to say, what to do, so you have to pretend you didn't see at all.)

_What did happen to Amane?_

He does ask that. Tries to make it sound as if it's curiosity. Matsuda, making tea for them both, almost sends the cups flying. 

_It's not like how Aizawa thinks,_ he says. _Raito asked her to... to relaunch her career with, like, a Kira focus. Takki – uh – Kiyomi Takada was getting the serious issues across, the official Kira spokeswoman... Misa-Misa was going to be the, the fun side. She started doing concerts and... and shoots and... some anti-Kira group, they... some nutter ran her down... she was just posing for photos for her album release and..._

_So it wasn't like Aizawa thinks. It was just a... it was just something that happened._

He sounds tired. Almost too tired to put effort into being convincing. Splinters itch. Ide fights not to snap, _you sound like even you don’t believe that, so why should I bother?_ Instead, he says, _Right. Thanks._

And it isn’t like Amane couldn’t have just got unlucky. From all that Ide’s heard, she does seem to possess a genius for walking into terrible situations. He thinks, tired, from far back, that perhaps she’s better off dead. He wonders if the person who killed her is still alive or if they died soon afterwards, fortuitously, fortunately…

Another time, he says, _when you… when you switched, when you decided to – to work with Kira, what was it like?_

Matsuda huddles over, and says that he doesn’t remember.

_Lucky._

_It doesn’t matter, right?_ Matsuda says. _It doesn’t matter what happened before._

Which doesn’t mean that he’s hiding something. It could mean that he’s ashamed. That he was in pain and frightened and desperate and that no one reached out to him except Raito and that was enough. He wouldn’t have had any defences. What the hell else was he supposed to do?

Ide stops trying to dig out the questions after that.

Now it’s today. Another rainy day. A group of them travelling across town, to an abandoned factory that a tip-off identified as the scene of a massive drug deal. The crime over, the criminals – still faceless – long gone. A way for them to occupy themselves while they wait for judgement to unfold in its own way. Ide finds himself tensed with nerves, wound too tight, as if they’re expecting a shoot-out. When people speak to him, it’s to remind him that this is a privilege, getting to step out of the office for a bit. As if he’s straight out of college and still learning how to use the photocopier. If they tried talking to Aizawa like that…

_Aizawa will get it. Sooner or later he’ll do the most sensible thing, and he’ll have some time to get his head together and he’ll adjust…_

The fear gnaws in him that Aizawa is too erratic now to go _back to normal_. He keeps thinking how Aizawa would have reacted if he’d been the one finding out about those photographs. Now the thoughts spiral, _I should have done something else, I should have fixed this_ , and it doesn’t matter who it’s even about any more. 

The car stops and he’s following the others across a rainy forecourt. They’re at the door, which is rain-soaked and rattling in the wind. He’s switched off for the walk, so he’s going to be virtually no help in assessing this crime scene, but – for all sorts of reasons – that doesn’t matter.

Matsuda looks as twitchy as he feels. He's mumbling something. _I don't... I don't think it's safe. We should... I think we should get backup._ The others are laughing, reminding him that the world is the safest it's ever been. Matsuda doesn't look reassured. He keeps glancing at them as if he knows something they don't. Practically shaking. Ide wants to ask what on earth is wrong with him, but for all sorts of reasons he doesn't want to show himself as being informal with Matsuda. And besides, Matsuda doesn't seem bothered about _him_ going inside.

Inside the factory it’s cold. Bare concrete. Scattered shop mannequins along the far side. Lost arms and legs. Ide is following the others and telling himself that just because they all know he has nothing to contribute that doesn’t mean he has to make himself useless when the air erupts into clouds of smoke.

And it is smoke. It burns at his mouth and nose. Hot tears. Fighting not to draw a breath. The others are yelling but the yells keep trailing off into choking. Someone grabs his arm. _This way!_ He stumbles after them. Can’t even see the floor, let alone where they’re going. Air scraping his lungs. They’re running now, a door opens and closes –

Outside. He still can hardly breathe but he rubs a hand across his eyes and – it’s not the way they came in. A chain-link fence, worn through. Splash of red: a red car, parked among the weeds. 

The person holding his arm has no face. Masked. _Gas_ mask, and everything is lining up and –

_Get in. We’re going for a drive. Or I can shoot you now, but that’d be a waste of time for both of us._

Footsteps behind them. Ide turns, thinking, _help_ , thinking _run_ , but it’s another masked, armed figure, this one dragging Matsuda, who looks barely conscious.

_If you run, I’ll shoot him,_ his captor says. _And I’ll probably be able to pick you off, as well. I’m a good shot, and I bet you can’t even run in a straight line at the moment._

_You cooperate, and everything’ll be fine. I just want information._

The pale sky is reflecting in the visor of the mask, but the voice is another splinter. The figure turns its head. _Matt, let’s get a move on._ The sky slides across plastic. Ide sees pale eyes, one slightly misshapen from scars.

_Mello_ , he says.  


Matsuda coughs and tries to raise his head and his legs buckle. The other figure – Matt – grabs him, drags him forward. Ide takes one step, then another, and then Mello has grabbed him by the arm and half-thrown him into the back seat of the car. Matsuda is there now. Ide shakes him gently, _come on, it’s all right. Breathe slowly._ He's talking and he doesn't know what he's saying, whether the words make any sense. They don't join up. Their kidnappers are in the front seat of the car. They gun the engine, burn rubber and make a u-turn, and then the factory is falling away behind them. 

Ide feels the explosion shake the car before he sees it. White-hot on the backs of his eyelids. 

Matsuda scrambles to look round and starts to whisper _no, no..._ and all at once he is doubling over, gasping for breath.

_Stop it – for god's sake –_

Matsuda has his hands over his face. He's saying something like _I knew, I **knew **and I didn't do anything, they all died, I let them die –****_

_Get a grip._ Mello, kneeling up, leans round from the front passenger seat. He still has the gun in his hand. Well, of course he does. _I’m doing you a favour. How much do you think your life will be worth if Kira realises what’s happened to you?_

Matsuda goes very still.

The bastard's right. Raito will know they’re an information risk. No matter how assured he might be of their loyalty – and let’s face it, he’s probably not _at all_ assured of Ide’s – he won’t want to take the risk. 

Ide can feel the panic rising in his throat. He didn't even try to run – he didn't do anything, he just let himself and Matsuda be taken prisoner as if, like some _idiot_ , and now they're both going to –

_I said I’m **not** going to kill you. God._ Mello sounds like he’s rolling his eyes. _And I set those charges to collapse the building, not to take people out. That lot could be fine –_

_No,_ Matsuda says, dully. _No. They're dead._

_Give it a rest, it's not like you know anything. And why’d you care, anyway? Aren’t half of them in cahoots with Kira now?_

Matsuda swallows. Ide expects him to shoot back something like _that doesn't mean they deserve to die,_ but Matsuda's silent. He looks like he's barely stopping himself falling to pieces. Teeth chattering. He's gripping Ide's wrist, nails digging in. 

_It's true, isn't it?_ Mello says. _Besides, the people who are still alive these days tend to be the ones Kira likes. Which is why I wanted to talk to you two. When we've got somewhere quieter. However, it’s not in my best interests for you to see all the details of our route, so_ – reaching back to grab something behind him. The gun points at Ide. _You. Take this_ – something soft, black cloth, flung into his lap – _and blindfold your friend. And do it properly, all right? I only really need one of you, so don’t start making me feel it’s too much hassle to keep you alive._

Ide bites his lip and tells himself over and over _he’s posturing, he wants us scared, he wants us not to make a move,_ but none of it helps. He puts a hand on Matsuda's shoulder and Matsuda shudders. 

_Please don’t,_ he says. _Please –_

_I have to._ Every word is like a punch in the throat. _For god’s sake, Matsuda, get a grip. He said he wants to talk. That’s all._ He doesn’t sound like he believes it himself and Matsuda huddles over, wrapping his arms round himself. Ide’s hands are shaking almost too much to tie a knot. 

_Good. Now, go through his pockets, get me his phone. And yours._

Matsuda is still trembling. His phone's in his inside jacket pocket, where it always is. Ide can feel warmth and heartbeat against his fingers. Matsuda's hand jerks a little as if he wants to grab hold of Ide's.

Ide holds out the phone, wishing it wasn't obvious that his hand is shaking. _I don't..._ he says, trying not to look at the gun, _I don't have a phone or anything... anything like that on me._

Mello snorts. _Are you trying to be clever?_

_He's not,_ Matsuda says, sounding like he's this close to panic. _He... he isn't meant to. It... people thought it would be better that way. Easier._

Mello tilts his head to the side a little, looking like Matsuda's some faintly amusing pet. _Interesting. Looks like someone needs to earn more privileges. Okay, whatever. You need to blindford yourself._ Ide thinks he must have flinched, because Mello rolls his eyes: _It won’t be long. So you might as well keep your mouths shut and start coming up with a good story. I could use a laugh._

Being in the dark does not help the situation. Ide leans back against the seat, tries to breathe, tries to think, but every thought runs into a wall of _he'll kill us._ Why wouldn't he? Either they're on Kira's side or they're police, and Mello has no reason to spare either party. Hell, he killed Chief Yagami. He killed a bunch of their colleagues less than an hour ago. The thoughts loop round and round and they’re the same each time. The car jolts every so often as they turn a corner. Voices over the blood pounding in his ears. _God, Matt, you drive like an old man._ And the driver: _Shut up, I can own you on Gran Turismo any day of the week_. Matsuda’s terrified breathing.

The car stops again. This time there’s the screech of brakes and the engine fades away. Matsuda takes another breath and it turns into a whimper. Car doors opening, someone wrenching him to his feet. Cold, rainy air again. Mello said he wanted to talk. He’s not just going to shoot them in the head right now. He wanted to talk and if he wants to talk then he wants information and that means they’re of use to him – he let the Chief and Sayu go when he made the swap for the notebook, he’s not a complete psychopath – but Ide can’t stop thinking of _I only really need one of you_ , can’t stop imagining Mello saying _this is too much work_ and either he himself never sees anything again or he hears Matsuda dying in front of him –

Being dragged across uneven ground. Hard. Concrete or tarmac, but broken. Another abandoned building, probably. He can’t hear traffic. Rattle of keys. In out of the rain, but the air’s still cold. Another door opens, slams behind him as he’s shoved through it. Someone catches his arm, sends him sprawling onto ground that comes up too fast, too hard. Cold steel closes round his wrist.  


The blindfold is wrenched off. He’s sitting in what might once have been an office before it was stripped bare. Small, dusty windows. A broken-up desk in one corner. He’s against one wall, one hand cuffed to the radiator.

A figure in a black ski mask is standing over him. The air of irritation and barely concealed violent tendencies make Ide assume it must be Mello, and he’s proved right when the figure says, “So. What happened to the rest of you?”

Ide stares round the office but it’s empty apart from the two of them. _Oh, god_. “Where’s – where's Matsuda? What did you –”

“Matt’s looking after him somewhere else. He’s fine.” Mello sprawls onto a battered swivel chair. “Why the hell are you so jumpy?”

“Because you just _kidnapped me at gunpoint,_ why do you _think?”_

“You stormed Mafia headquarters, took potshots at a bunch of armed gangsters, and then nearly got blown up after your leader was gunned down practically in front of you. You weren’t falling to bits then. None of you were. Now you and Matsuda are both more or less pissing yourselves and I haven’t even _done_ anything.”

Ide wants to come back with a good response but he's not sure he knows what the answer is. Other than that since then he's spent a lot of time realising something horrible could happen to him at any moment if other people want it to. 

“I meant it, you know,” Mello says, scooting the chair a little nearer. “I want to know what's been going on.”

Ide wants to say, _you're meant to be a detective genius, you figure it out._ He wants to say something that shows he isn't terrified but he _is_ and he is so furious that he is this weak. _He_ wants to ask himself _why are you so jumpy_. He wants to knock some sense back into his mind.

“I'll tell you what I know,” Mello says. “Pretty sure Kira knows all this, so it doesn't bother me if he gets it out of you. So after the whole explosion thing –”

“After you murdered the Chief.” It's not even an attempt to make Mello angry. It's to underline the key fact about him. Mello's dangerous and evil and Ide really cannot afford to trust him. That's pretty much the definition of doing something Raito won't like.

Mello looks like he's going to leap to his feet, start defending himself, but then he just raises his hands, let them drop. “Yeah. Okay. He died and I went to ground while Matt fixed up the holes in my face. I sent Mogi to New York, to Near... I know you know all this. You lot and Near all went back to Japan, so Matt and I went too. We were keeping an eye on Amane, but we got no luck there. You lot were stopping Yagami making a move. Then... Near goes off the radar.”

Ide realises he hasn't thought about Near since all this started. Perhaps he never completely believed in the man's existence. Just another voice on the phone. “What do you mean?”

“He and the SPK are gone. No response to calls. I had a contact there. She never came back to her flat. Went there again more recently and the place is cleaned out, landlord tells me he was told she left Japan in a hurry. He was edgy, too. No one's been in or out of Near's HQ. I can't get in there, can't break the little creep's securities.” 

“You think he's dead.”

“Well, he wasn't going to get bored and wander off. If I were Kira and somehow I'd managed to get his name and face, I'd tell him and the others to go and top themselves somewhere isolated, maybe in a way that won't leave a body. Or not a recognisable body.”

Ide thinks of charred corpses and then really wishes he hadn't.

“But there's no way Near would be out of contact for this long,” Mello carries on. “I mean, for one thing he wouldn't go AWOL on _me._ He'd figure I'd think he was scared of me if he did that. So... so he's out of the picture.” His voice roughens a bit. “Anyway. I'm waiting for him to resurface, when suddenly you lot have all vanished, and _then_ suddenly the Kira supporters are getting organised. Like someone knows he's safe to make a move. I figure he offed you as well – I mean, it's not like it'd be _difficult_ – but then you and Matsuda show up again.”

Ide finds himself shrinking back against the wall. Which is stupid, because making himself look guilty will only get him killed faster. The wall and floor are cold and heavy but he still feels like they might tilt and knock him off his feet.

“So. That's interesting.” Mello scrambles to his feet, kicking the chair away, starts to pace. “Now, you're going into work every day like a good little member of the rat race. But you come back to that house every night – it's a gift to Kira from some guy who's big in Tokyo property, by the way, he values Kira as someone who makes life easier for hard-working professionals or whatever – but why are you living there? I mean, you did _have_ your own place, right? You didn't just use to live in the task force HQ? And you never drive yourself anywhere. Never catch a train. Doesn't seem like someone who's making a full life for themselves in the new world.”

Ide is thinking _stop it_ but he's frozen. He's nothing. Anything he says will be wrong so what's the point of wasting his breath?

“Look, I've _seen_ all this,” Mello says, impatiently. “I'm not asking you to confess to no longer having a car or whatever. Okay, fine, so Matsuda's different –”

Ide hadn't wanted to talk about Matsuda. He didn't realises this until now when the name is like a sudden kick.

“Matsuda goes to work now and then,” Mello says. “These days. But he didn't for a long while. He did go outside, though. He gets to go out on his own. He gets to drive if he wants. I mean he usually catches a lift with you at the moment but I reckon that's to make you feel better. So... what's the deal? He's a trusty and you're, what, on probation? And why exactly are the two of you still alive?”

Say nothing and have the truth beaten out of you. Lie and get caught out and be punished for trying to hide things. Admit everything and watch Raito explain how giving information to Mello could hardly be interpreted as _loyalty to Kira_ and then wait to die – maybe even wait to _want_ to die, suicide and tidy yourself away to avoid the inconvenience of anyone having to explain your corpse –

Mello crouches down so that their faces are level. He smells of smoke. Close to, Ide can see the scarred skin round his eye properly. Mottled. Shiny like silk. 

“I'm really not that stupid,” he says, softly. “You and Matsuda, you sucked it up and switched sides. To save your own necks, I suppose.” A snort. “No one likes a coward, but to be honest I'm just baffled Kira's even given you that chance. And are you too scared even to speak now? Okay, maybe I _can_ see why he's given you that chance, you're pretty useless –”

“You _are_ stupid –” Ide is throwing out the words suddenly, wishing and wishing he knew enough about Mello to say something that would actually hurt – “You haven't worked out if he knows I've told you anything he'll – if I don't look happy enough about the death lists then I'll be dead, actually _helping_ you is –”

Mello laughs. A short, sharp laugh. “You think you've got any chance of survival once he knows what's happened to you? You're only alive as long as it takes them to dig through that rubble and count the bodies –”

“If you wanted to get me killed then why are you bothering with any of this?”

“Why are _you_ still trying to follow his orders?” Mello says. “Did you listen to a word I said? There's nothing you can say to convince him not to kill you, so you may as well talk to me. It can't make things any worse.” 

He's probably right, but Ide can't stop his thoughts dashing around trying to think up some way through this that won't end with him dead. _Bastard brought me here to get information and doesn't give a damn what happens to me then – it doesn't matter –_ and then he wants to laugh at himself for being surprised about this. He should have learnt by now that no one cares about what happens to him after.

“Okay.” Mello is getting to his feet. “You won't talk to me, I'll go see what Matsuda has to say.”

Ide hears himself say, “No,” as if he's already thought through the choice. “Don't. No.” Mello's looking round at him, calm, as if they both already know that he's about to say, “I'll... I'll just... but leave him alone, he's...”

Mello shrugs. Turns. Comes to perch on the chair again.

“Okay,” he says. “Talk.”

Ide lets himself slump back against the wall. Suddenly he's just tired. If everyone else thinks it doesn't matter, maybe he'll manage to believe it as well.

“Sounds like... it sounds like Raito got rid of Near and then decided he could act freely,” he says. “I think... I think we were drugged. I don't remember. I was out of it for quite a while. I woke up in – in a cell and it – it was because I was against Kira.”

“What about your friends?” Mello says.

“Same. None of us... none of us died. I don't know why. They wanted us… they wanted us to switch sides. Raito told me he'd help me if I... but until then, there was nothing he could do.”

“They, what, knocked you around?” Mello stretches out his legs, drums his feet on the floor. “Or threatened your families or something? They didn't just leave you to think about it.”

Ide is going to say something but he is remembering the rattle of the door being unlocked and wanting to throw himself at the walls to break them down. Sometimes, when he was really tired, he'd start hallucinating that sound, the sound of someone coming in, and be as terrified as if it were really happening.

Mello snaps his fingers in front of Ide's eyes. It doesn't make everything go away but it reminds him there's other things to think about. The memories play on a different channel. “Okay, so they broke you down and you gave in. What about the others?”

The words are like stones. “Aizawa... he's still there. Still... they're still trying to get him to listen. I'm trying.” Mello snorts, but he doesn't interrupt. Ide carries on, step by step, stone by stone, “Mogi's dead. I'm pretty sure it's true. Matsuda said he killed himself. Weeks ago, now.”

“And Matsuda?”

_And Matsuda._

Aizawa's theory is _not true._ They've gone through all this. It didn't happen that way and if Ide makes Mello think that it did, then Matsuda will be even more at risk than he already is. _Say something._ “He gave in, too. Same as me.”

“When?”

“I don't... I don't know.”

“You know if it was after you or not.”

“It was... it was before.”

Mello nods. “Kira's let you go back to the NPA. They know all this?”

“I... bits of it. People know I was on the task force. There are people… people there making sure I... I don't... that I'm not...”

“Checking you're fully embracing the new world order.” Mello leans forward, arms on his knees. “And Matsuda?”

“You... you mean...”

“How come Matsuda gets more privileges than you?”

“He... he gave in first, I suppose?”

“Huh. It’ll suck to be Aizawa then. You see Kira much?” Mello's eyes are narrowed. Cold grey-blue. More stones. 

“A bit. Mostly when he wants to know how Aizawa's doing.”

“What about Matsuda? You're together quite a lot when I've spotted you.”

“Matsuda's the... the only one who'll talk to me.”

“And he's keeping tabs on you for Kira,” Mello says. Casual. Like it's obvious.

“No,” Ide starts, and then, _of course he is, of **course** he is, you always knew it –_ but saying it like that –

“Come on, if Kira told him to stop talking to you he'd be gone like _that._ ”

“He...” 

It hurts to think about it, and it hurts even more that he _cares._ Like some lovesick high school girl. He's telling himself _stop it, **stop it,** stop thinking about it_ but that's only making him think about it more and he is _so close_ to punching Mello in the face with his free hand – _that_ would help – _that_ would make things better –

“God. That actually got to you, didn't it?” Mello's on his feet again. Jittery. Or just desperate for chocolate. And actually, _jittery_ isn't the right word. That would suggest he's nervous. The word is _unpredictable_. “So. He was the first one to bail.”

Nothing good is going to come from this conversation. “Why are you so fixated on Matsuda? Surely Kira's the one you should be interested in.”

“Haven't figured Matsuda out yet. You, I've got down. Aizawa sounds like he makes sense, too. Mogi – he could've done the deed himself or Kira could've done it for him, doesn't matter now. Matsuda? One of the people who spent five years looking for Kira even once the police jumped ship? Why does Kira trust him enough that he's _your_ guard dog? And, you know, why the hell are three of you still alive? You know about the notebook. You're probably the biggest security risk around apart from _me,_ and he's proved no one will give a shit what happens to you.”

Ide grits his teeth and tries to make himself think, come up with some plausible answer, but nothing lines up. Nothing lines up in his head. 

“You know what.” Mello stops. “Let's get Matsuda in on the conversation. You know. Pool our resources.”

Ide has actually half-scrambled to his feet as if that's even possible. The cuff digs into his wrist. “You said – you said you wouldn't –”

“I never said I wouldn't anything.” Mello's already halfway to the door. “Don't go anywhere.”

Ide listens to the door open, slam shut, Mello's footsteps hurry away. They don't go far. Another door being unlocked. Murmur of voices. Footsteps, more than one set now. Stumbling. 

Matsuda, his hands locked behind him, is still blindfolded. Mello pushes him to kneel, secures one wrist to the other side of the radiator. Matsuda is taking quick, shaky breaths, and Ide can see he’s shaking.

“It’s –” _all right,_ he begins, but it isn’t, is it?

Matsuda turns towards his voice and then Mello pulls the blindfold off. Under it, Matsuda’s eyes are sunk in smears of shadow against a dead-white face. He blinks, focuses on Ide. He actually smiles, kind of. 

“Hey.” Mello kicks him in the leg, casually. “We figured you could help us solve a puzzle.”

Matsuda glances up at him, then down at the floor. 

“I’m not telling you anything,” he mumbles.

From behind them, Matt – or at least, Ide assumes it’s Matt – slouches in, leans against the wall, focuses on some handheld gaming device he’s got.

“No, this is an easy question,” Mello carries on. “You’ll like it. What have you done to make Kira trust you? And how come you and Ide here aren’t dead? He said you’re the one who’s been out the longest, so you must have the answers.”

Matsuda goes even paler, if that’s possible. He’s not looking at Mello. Looking across, at patches of peeling paint on the opposite wall. His free hand tangles in the edge of his jacket.

Ide thinks _he looks guilty – he looks like he’s hiding something –_

“Look,” he says, “Raito will kill us both as soon as he works out what happens. We – we’ve got nothing to lose.”

Matsuda doesn’t look like he’s even heard. He swallows. Eventually, he begins, “I haven’t…” and his voice dries up. “I haven’t done anything to…” Closes his eyes a moment. “I told him… I told him I’d – that I’d switch sides. That I was on his side. I guess he believed me.”

_Try and sound like you actually believe it,_ Ide wants to yell at him. _Making yourself look like a liar won’t help anyone –_

“Why’d he believe you and not Ide? And don’t try and tell me he did. It’s obvious to anyone with a brain that he’s expecting Ide to do something he doesn’t like.”

After a few moments – as if he’s on a time delay, as if he’s somewhere else altogether – Matsuda shrugs. “Don’t know. Before, I… I said I couldn’t… I didn’t think Kira was – was evil. Before I knew who he was. Maybe –”

“Maybe he thought you were stupid enough to actually _think_ that, sure,” Mello cuts in, “but if I were him, I still wouldn’t keep you alive. You know about the notebook. You know about shinigami, the fucking Eye deal, the whole…”

He stops.

“Your mates back at the factory,” he says. Slow. Half to himself. “You seemed pretty sure they’d all be dead.”

Matsuda doesn’t say anything. He looks like he’s barely even breathing.

“You did blow up the entire building,” Ide points out. “It’s hardly surprising –”

“Shut up.” Mello isn’t looking at him. “When we got you in the car you were crying your eyes out and saying you knew it was going to happen and you didn’t do anything. See, now, if someone had been able to see how long people had left to live, he’d see that those guys were all fated to die at the same time. And that it was coming up pretty soon.”

“No,” Ide hears himself saying. “No. Matsuda…”

Matsuda isn’t moving, isn’t looking puzzled or angry, he’s only staring straight ahead.

_Tell him to shut up_ , Ide thinks at him, _tell him this is crazy –_

“Amane had the Eyes once.” Mello is moving faster now, pacing as he works through the idea. “She lost them when she stopped being Second Kira. Up til then, she was helping Kira out. Look at the kill list and it’s obvious. But why didn’t Kira talk her into getting them again? Too much of a pain to work with? But he’d put up with her for years, and they were living together, it’d be convenient. So… he already had someone else who’d put their hand up.”

_This isn’t happening._ Some things you just, you just won’t, some things can’t be true.

“Can’t think of any other reason why you’d still be alive,” Mello carries on. “I’m sure Kira told you how special you were and how much he cared about you, but let’s be realistic here. Once you have the Eyes, you’re actually worth something. But he’s got to give you something in return, hasn’t he? And I’m guessing it got to you seeing him murder your colleagues, so he agreed to put them under wraps instead. Keep them alive. For now.”

“You've got...” Ide tries to force the words out. Why isn't Matsuda standing up for himself? “You've got no proof of any of this.”

“That's the thing,” Mello says. “I reckon I have. Because someone with the Eyes must have killed Near. _I_ don't know his real name. They keep that stuff locked down. Now, okay, Kira could've taken them himself, but he knew Near suspected him. No way the idiot was going to show his face to Raito Yagami. But he even _asked_ you lot to get in touch with him. He thought you were trustworthy. Morons, but safe. So, if it wasn't Matsuda, then which of you _did_ kill him?”

Ide stares at him and tries to kick his thoughts into a plausible alternative. Mello is… Mello is building a hypothesis but that’s all it is. None of them know what happened to Near. He could – he could have gone into hiding. He… 

“One of you better have an answer for me,” Mello says, and his voice is darker now, cold. Matt glances up from his screen. “Because I’m _pissed_ about Kira offing Near. If anyone was going to do that, it’d be me. So. If Aizawa’d done it I don’t think he’d still be getting the shit kicked out of him just to keep up appearances. I guess Mogi could’ve topped himself out of remorse for doing it, but I don’t know, he seems too solid to pull something like that. That leaves you two.”

“It wasn’t anything to do with Ide!”

Matsuda half-yells it and they’re all looking at him but although he’s still dead white he doesn’t look like someone who’s made themselves sound guilty accidentally. He looks like someone who’s nerved themselves up to admit the truth. It can’t be the truth.

“Ide didn’t know anything about any of it,” Matsuda carries on. “Well – no, okay, Aizawa worked out some of – Aizawa said he thought I’d not… but Ide didn’t believe him. It’s nothing to do with him, any of it.”

“Aizawa already suggested this to you?” Mello’s eyes widen as he turns to look at Ide. “And you _still_ didn’t put it together?” He paces as if he’s too irritated to keep still. “You’re even stupider than I thought.”

Ide manages to say, “It wasn’t like that.” He thought about it every _day_ – it was just that he didn’t want to know – he didn’t want to believe that – he –

He turns to look at Matsuda again. They all are. 

“You took the Eyes,” Mello says.

Eventually, Matsuda swallows. “Yeah.”

“You killed Near.”

Matsuda nods, huddling in on himself.

“How many more after that?” Mello says. Gun’s in his hand; he jabs Matsuda hard in the forehead with it, pushing his head back. “You wouldn’t be allowed to keep that power to yourself, right? You had to keep Kira sweet so he’d keep you and the others alive, so go on, tell us, how many is it now? Let’s see if you beat me.”

“I don’t know,” Matsuda says, dully. “I lost count. Ages ago.”

***  
The air is screaming. Ide is listening to himself shout over it. He has scrambled across the gap of dusty floor separating them and he is yelling _You stupid, you stupid – how could you be so – how could you –_ Their faces are much closer. He can see Matsuda’s not as calm as he looked, not close up. In his eyes there’s as much shock as Ide feels. _All that time and you **knew –**_

***  
Someone grabbing him, pulling him away from Matsuda. Sprawls against the wall. His cuffed arm wrenches painfully. Dives forward again, _it’s not true,_ this time something hits him in the face, rattling his teeth, taste of blood.

_Sit down and shut up,_ Mello says. 

He’s standing in front of Matsuda now. Gun still in one hand.

_I should kill you_ , he says. _At least you’d see it coming, right?_

Ide is saying no but he’s thinking, he’s thinking of locked doors, fists, blood and bruises, and Matsuda caused all of that – Matsuda let him think they were the same – Matsuda knew what was going on and he could have _stopped_ it and he never did anything, he just showed up afterwards and offered comfort and small, stupid gifts and Ide was _grateful –_

***  
Matsuda is talking, so fast he has to gasp for breath. _Ide please, please listen / I didn’t want any of it to happen like that / it wasn’t to get you hurt, I wanted you to be okay / He said he was Kira and I didn’t know what to do –_

_Turn him in, maybe?_ Mello sneers. _Because, you know, you were **hunting him down?**_

_I know, I know but he was scared – he was so scared and he said I had to help him and I – he said he’d be killed and I couldn’t, I couldn’t do it, I couldn't see him die –_

_Oh._ Mello folds his arm, the gun dangling from one hand. _Oh. I get it._

Ide doesn't get any of it – Raito would happily have seen _them_ all die, in fact _did_ watch his father die, but Mello is carrying on, _You had a thing for him, didn’t you? Were you actually fucking him or were you just hero-worshipping?_

_He said_ , Matsuda is whispering, _he said he loved me –_

Mello’s slamming the gun round to hit Matsuda in the face with it. So fast it’s like it’s happened between one blink and the next. Ide’s reaction to it comes a moment later, hot-cold panic but under that, fury, ripping everything to pieces and saying, _**yes, hit him again –**_

_**He loved you and that was enough for you to do all this?** _


	6. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He will find out the truth. That's what's been missing, after all. He will find out the truth and finally know all that went on and then he will know what to do.

Mello is staring at Matsuda. Under his mask there could be rage or there could be icy calm and Ide's not sure which would be worse. If something happens to Matsuda, then – then –

_I need to decide what to do with you_ , Mello says at last. _I mean... I really want to shoot you in the head, but... it’s not every day Kira’s Eyes shows up right in front of you._ He turns, sharply. _Matt. Move it._

Ide is watching them walk away. The door closing behind them. The rattle of keys in a lock and the memory of _settling down_ , of being sensible, of swallowing blood and tears and trying to tell himself _it’s all right – it doesn’t matter – you’re all right –_

Sometimes he would find himself thinking _you’re all right, Matsuda will come back soon, you’re all right, he’ll help you_ and it _worked_ , that’s the worst thing, he actually believed it –

And now he’s remembering that he can yell all he wants and nothing will change. He should have understood this by now, but he didn't, just like he should have realised about Matsuda.

Who is barely three foot away from him and has lied about _everything_.

“Ide?” 

Matsuda sounds hoarse, choked. He still speaks through his fingers.

Ide wants to say something pithy like _go to hell_ but he's pretty sure if he speaks it will turn into a tirade and he’ll collapse into a mass of idiotic feelings and nothing else.

“I didn't want you to get hurt,” Matsuda says, but it's worn out, as if he's barely putting any effort into the lie. “I... I get why you're angry but... but I didn't... if you hate me because of that, you need to know I didn't want –”

_Don’t patronise me_. “I don't believe you.”

“But... but it's true.”

“Explain why I should... why I should believe anything you tell me?” He begged Matsuda to get him out. He begged Matsuda for so much. He let Matsuda say _love_ – “You're... you helped him lock us up. You knew he was Kira and you did _nothing_. No, that's not true, you killed one of the few people who might have had a hope in hell of stopping all this. You killed...” It's, what, twenty, thirty victims on an average day, more if there's been a high-profile crime or a nest of terrorists uncovered. This has been going on for _weeks_. Matsuda's made his way into the top ten of serial killers and Ide didn't even notice. 

He’s cold suddenly. Matsuda can’t come back from this. Some things can’t be forgiven. 

He hears Matsuda's breathing shake. Doesn't matter. He deserves to be miserable, doesn't he? He, he deserves to be executed. Ide has never for one moment bought into the delusion that Kira is a good thing for the world. And it would be the height of hypocrisy to paint Raito as a sociopathic killer while choosing to believe Matsuda was just easily led.

“Kira's making the world better,” Matsuda says, at last.

All that time Ide assumed the message had been beaten in, and no, all that time Matsuda has believed it – he really is that _stupid_ – 

“Better –” he tries to say and realises he's too angry to speak. A breath of air. His throat feels like stone. “Better for who, exactly? Me? Aizawa and Mogi? Those poor bastards whose photographs – and it's _you_ who writes them down, isn't it, he probably doesn't even look at them –” His stomach is lurching and he draws his knees close to his chest. He can’t be sick, he can’t – it’s not like he didn’t know about these deaths – but handing over a folder of faces to Matsuda every night...

“They,” Matsuda is saying, voice trembling, “They, they did bad things, they have to – they deserve...”

Ide is across the space between them and grabbing the front of Matsuda's shirt with his free hand, yanking him closer to yell into his face, “I know how they _get_ those photos!” Matsuda gasping for breath. “You know as well as I do no one bothers to check the details – and some of them, remember, some of them are just people who can't keep their mouths shut about Kira not being the best thing ever – you know, people like me – but that doesn’t matter, just – keep killing them, just do what you’re told –”

Matsuda shrinks away from him and Ide wants to be glad about it but he just feels sick again. He lets go, slumps back against the radiator. 

“And you don't even know what most of them did,” he says. “At least Raito would’ve seen his victims on the news.”

Matsuda doesn’t answer. He stays still, huddled into the corner between the wall and the radiator. Not looking at Ide now. Staring straight ahead again. He’s crying, but it’s as if that’s happening without him noticing. As if he’s just waiting for Ide to burn himself out yelling. 

And Ide feels as if that’s pretty much happened. He can call Matsuda every name under the sun and Matsuda will just curl up and wait for it to be over and maybe trot out a few more platitudes about Kira. He’ll – he’ll keep up this act and – maybe it won’t be an act –

Some things you can't come back from. Sometimes you have to accept – sometimes you have to learn to be alone because, because you can't just carry on as if nothing happened –

But he can hear the screaming in the back of his mind over and over _but I can't do it without you, I can't do any of this on my own –_ and everything is going to come apart, he can feel it, and this is, he can't fall to bits here, now, he'll get himself killed...

A breath. 

_Stay calm._ He will – he will find out the truth. That's what's been missing, after all. He will find out the truth and finally know all that went on and then he will know what to do. Maybe there’ll be mitigating circumstances. Maybe it sounded worse than it is. That's pathetic and stupid but the hope of it is enough to make him start speaking.

“You and Raito,” he begins, trying to keep his voice level. “You’ve been… you were… together.”

Matsuda nods.

“Since...?”

“Since… since not long after Ryuzaki died. The… the first L.” 

“What – five years?” He stares, waiting to be told he's misunderstood, but Matsuda doesn't speak, just lets the information lie there. There's not even a comment like, _Well, I wouldn't expect you to notice, you don't understand romance._

Ide grits his teeth and reminds himself there's no reason Matsuda _should_ have told him about this before – not this part – and obsessively poring over the last five years for signs is pointless. As is feeling stupid and embarrassed for spending five years working practically twenty-four hours a day with the other two and not noticing. 

“But... Raito was with Amane,” he says at last.

“I didn’t… I didn’t want to hurt Misa-Misa.” 

“But you slept with her boyfriend anyway.”

Matsuda shrugs, as if he hasn’t got enough room left to feel guilty about this too.

“Well… how did it start? You didn’t just go up to him and say that you… that you wanted...”

“The first time… you… I mean, you weren’t there when… when L got – got killed.” Matsuda speaks slowly, as if it’s hard to remember. “I couldn’t – I kept thinking it must be a trick. Like he was trying to draw Kira out. And then I kept thinking...if... if he couldn’t survive, then what chance did any of us have? I was just… you know what it’s like when you… when something happens and you realise you could just die. Like there’s something under everything and you just can’t… can’t stop thinking about it.”

“Yeah, I… I know what you mean.” God, he is seizing on this as _hope_. Something that proves they’re still the same. Raito has doubtless never been scared like that. 

“I was pretty spaced out,” Matsuda says. “I guess we all were but... I couldn’t go to any of the others and say _I’m really scared I’m going to die._ They’d just think I was an idiot. And you know we really thought we… we really thought we might, like Kira was just waiting to…”

Deep breath. “Raito was… was… I thought he was in shock. I felt bad for him. I mean that was better than thinking about dying. I was trying to be nice to him and he was, he said he was grateful for it, that I still seemed to think so well of him when – when he hadn’t been able to save Ryuzaki. We were talking a lot, and I…”

He turns slightly red. “I mean I guess I’d always kind of… but I’d never thought of… I mean I would never have even… the Chief would’ve _killed_ me. We were talking and we were saying stuff we probably wouldn’t have said if we hadn’t –” He stops. “I was saying stuff I wouldn’t have said if I’d not been scared. I said some of… that kind of stuff and… then I realised what I’d said and I was trying to take it back and he said…” 

He swallows.

“He said I didn’t have to.” 

He sounds wistful. Ide feels suddenly tired and old and awkward, as if he’s invited himself somewhere he was never wanted. You can say _hero-worships_ or _is infatuated with_ or even _is in awe of_ but it comes down to _Matsuda loves Raito_. Because Raito is perfect.

Matsuda’s silent and Ide bites his lip hard enough to make his teeth ache before he can say, “So you started… being intimate. Even though he had a girlfriend.”

“It wasn’t like I expected him to break up with her,” Matsuda says, and he looks like himself again for a moment, puzzled that Ide doesn’t understand something so obvious, something that everyone else would just get. “He loved her too, he said. And he always... he knew the Chief wouldn’t be happy if he found out about him, you know, with guys. Like he said it would be okay for other people, if they were discreet, but if his dad ever found out about _him_ doing it, he’d just… So I kept thinking sooner or later he’d tell me it was over. Telling myself I was just lucky to have this at all, you know?”

He glances away for a moment, picks at a mark on the wall. 

“He worried about people finding out but he always kept saying he didn’t want to stop. He… he said he liked being with me. He said I… he used to say I made him feel like I’d like him even if he wasn’t… perfect. Even if he wasn’t who everyone thought he was.”

Of course. Give Matsuda a role. Make him feel special. 

“And? When did you find that part out?”

Matsuda closes his eyes for a few moments.

“You and the others, you’d all gone.” He stops, swallows. “He. He thought I was asleep. He was looking at… trying to find a new Second Kira. Because you’d all be watching Misa-Misa. I saw some stuff he didn’t want me to and…”

“And you knew who he was.”

“I didn’t really get it.” Matsuda presses his fist to his mouth, speaks through fingers again. “Didn’t… but he was rattled, you know? He was obviously… I’d seen something I shouldn’t and I knew… I could tell what it was but I couldn’t work it out. I couldn’t believe it.”

“You…” _You mean you didn’t want to_. No. Matsuda clearly did want to, in the end. _Remember, you don't know him at all, so stop assuming anything._ “This was… this was after the Chief died, right? After Near spoke to us. So you knew Raito was back under suspicion. You’d had…” _You’d had time to think about it and decide you were all right if he **was** a mass murderer – _

“I was so sure…” Matsuda says, sounding nothing more than slightly puzzled. “I was so sure he wasn’t Kira.”

“You evidently worked it out in the end.”

“I…” Matsuda sounds tired now. “I didn’t know what to do. I was yelling. I… I think I said it couldn’t be true. Like, five times or something. I thought… I thought, he could kill me if he wanted. I said that out loud, I guess? And he was… he was angry with me. He was angry that I thought he’d hurt me.”

Oh, for god’s sake. “You fell for that?”

“There wasn’t anything to fall for, okay?” Matsuda snaps, shifting round to glower at Ide. “He was scared. He was scared and I was scared and… he kept saying, _they’ll kill me, they’ll kill me_ and I was… I was trying to convince him they wouldn’t, that he might just… and he yelled at me that if he had to get locked up for life he’d rather die. He said…” He gulps, and his voice cracks. “He said I should just kill him myself if… and I couldn’t, okay? I couldn’t do it and I bet you couldn’t have either, if someone you – you liked was standing there and they were frightened and they needed your help.” Rubs a hand across his eyes. “He said, he said if I wasn’t going to keep it secret then he wanted me to kill him now and I… I knew I wasn’t going to do that.”

_Of course you weren’t._ Raito must have been able to see this path laid out in front of him, known all he had to do was follow it and Matsuda would be eating out of his hand. 

_No._ Ide makes himself look away, at the dusty floor. Cigarette ends and chunks of brick. He has to stop giving Matsuda the benefit of the doubt. Giving Matsuda anything. He will get the truth – or a version of the truth, this could all be another lie – and then, and then – 

He can’t think about _and then_.

“So you agreed not to tell.”

Matsuda nods. “He was… he was surprised. I think he thought I wouldn’t… he thought I didn’t care that much. He thought I was just being stupid and not taking things seriously, you know? But I... I promised I wouldn’t tell. I promised and… uh…” He glances away, rubs the back of his head for a moment. “I promised and he… he was grateful.”

“Of course he was.” 

“I was… I mean, he got it together after that,” Matsuda says. He’s staring at his fingers now, picking at the grime on his skin. “He… he was thinking, working out how to… He said he’d been going to… to contact someone to ask them to… to take on the…”

“The killings.”

“He said how I should go, I was only getting myself more involved. He tried to get me to walk away.” Matsuda says it fiercely, scowling at his hands. “He said it wasn’t fair, that he’d made his choice and he didn’t want me to… it was so obvious, he thought I was just this, this idiot. This stupid idiot who liked him because he was perfect and just... just wanted to get laid, you know, he kept saying he knew it wasn’t anything, that I hadn’t wanted anything serious and… Look, Ide, you don’t get it. People wouldn’t think that about you. They don’t think you’re a coward or stupid or…”

“No? I’m sure Raito doesn’t have a very high opinion of my intelligence, given all of this.” Raito didn’t… Raito didn’t even deny all of this to Ide’s face. He was – he was just waiting for it all to come out, wasn’t he? _Because it’s not like I could do anything even if I didn’t like it…_

“I thought he thought I was... different.” Matsuda hasn’t been listening. “I kept thinking I could bail on him and just keep my mouth shut and… everything would be just… flat and… you know, we could hardly go on being… being close if I knew he was Kira, could we? I kept thinking I was turning my back on… on everything if I walked away. And he needed help, he needed someone to help and…”

“You said _let me do it_.”

“Yeah, and I knew what that meant, all right?” Matsuda scowls at him. “I knew it’d be – be killing. But it’d be killing bad people.”

“It would be _killing._ Not to mention you’re a police officer.”

“And if I stopped being one no one would care, would they? Why shouldn’t I be doing something that, that actually mattered? I took the Eyes and he set things up so the notebook would get sent to me, he reminded me about how it works, and I… and I…”

“You... started to use it.” It still doesn't sound real. Matsuda glances at him, warily, like he's waiting for another argument. Ide quickly looks away. There isn't time to go into that dead end again. But Matsuda just started murdering people and didn't see even a bit of a problem with it –

“What happened then?” he demands.

He hears Matsuda sigh.

“He said you’d all be back soon. He said did I… did I really think I’d be able to keep cool when we were all working together twenty-four-seven? He was scared I’d… He kept saying, _I can’t see you punished in my place_. I mean, I was scared too, when he... when he pointed that out. Ryuzaki did some pretty bad stuff to him and Misa-Misa, and we knew Mello had done… Raito was saying how Sayu-chan was… We both knew I wouldn’t be able to, to hold out. If Near or someone… I’d break down and then I’d betray him too.”

“Get to the point.” Ide can feel his hands curling into fists. “He wanted us dead. But we aren't. Go on.”

“I...”

“And don't, don't start trying to, to cover your back already.” His voice is shaking. “Just. Just tell me what you did. What he did. Just get it over with.”

Matsuda has his free arm across his chest, is digging his fingers into his shoulder. He takes another breath and then he starts to speak.

_I didn't really believe he'd just kill all of you. I thought seeing as he'd let me live, he wouldn't really do it. But he kept talking like – like he had to and I... I didn't want... I knew you didn't deserve it._

_He kept going over the – the reasons and I was... I was getting really freaked out. I don't know. I don't remember. It was... like in a dream, when you're saying stuff and no one understands you. You know? Like we were having completely different conversations._

_I said... I said I'd understood, maybe you guys could too. I understood and it wasn't just because I – I liked him. I thought it was right. I thought it was the right thing to do. I'd had time to... to think about it now. I said maybe if we could just give you time to think... I was getting kind of... loud... and he... I guess he didn't want to have to deal with me being stupid on top of everything else so he said that... he said maybe we could work something out. For the three of you, because we knew you._

_He got the... the sleeping stuff and –_

“Stop it.” The nausea is back. _Do not. Do not think. Do not._ Matsuda has gone quiet. _You have to – you have to get the facts._ Breath against his fingers. The smell of smoke on his skin. “He did all the set-up, right? He'd know what – what strings to pull –”

Matsuda nods.

“Demegawa had started going on about setting up a... a base of operations, so there were already people who were happy to... to help us. Raito – Raito killed him. You know what Demegawa was like. He was... he was asking for it. Raito knew Takada, they'd been at To-oh together, so he made contact with her, got her helping to... to get people onside. He talked me through how to...” Another deep breath. “How to stop Near. He said with... with the three of you, he could keep you sedated and you. You would be too... too out of it to...”

“Shut up. Shut up, I'm not stupid. I... I... So, did he tell you then _we'll be beating the true path into them_?”

“No,” Matsuda cries out, scrambling round to face him properly, “No, I keep telling you, I never wanted any of that. I didn't know for a bit. He always said I couldn't save everyone, I needed to get that. He meant if you weren't... weren't going to – to cooperate then you'd have to... be... dead. I didn't want to see what he was saying to you or how you were acting because I was scared I'd see you doing something he couldn't forgive and. And I'd have to... So I kept away and I heard people saying about, about what they were doing. Some of them were just, like, it was a job to them, and some of them liked... and some of them it was a puzzle, they were trying to work out the best way to – to make you and –

“And then he asked me if I could try and convince you.”

Ide hears himself say, from far away, through the singing in his ears, “All of us? Or me specifically?”

Matsuda whispers, “He meant any of you. Then he asked me who he thought I'd have the best hope of... of getting onto the – the right side. Aizawa thinks I'm an idiot and Mogi I knew I'd just end up babbling while he listened to me talk but... but you, I... I thought like I knew you, I could talk to you, so I... I said...”

***  
Everything has broken. Everything _looks_ whole but it's not real. The real things are broken like the world was a pane of glass.

Matsuda is still speaking but Ide can't hear what he's saying. He wants to hear. He wants to grasp the thread of the conversation and use it to pull himself back to somewhere safe and kind. _Oh please. Please._

But it wouldn't work. Not now he knows. It would be listening and trying not to look at... at everything around him.

Matsuda is whispering, _Ide. Ide, please say something._

He hears himself answer. One word in front of the other. 

_I don't_

_I don't have anything to say to you._

Matsuda starts stammering something like he's sorry. Like he never meant. Like he didn't want. The worst part is that Ide _wants_ to believe him. He is this close to saying _it's all right_. But even if he tries to believe that, sooner or later the reality will rise up from underneath it. 

_I trusted you_ he's saying. Scrambling for the words that will hurt enough to keep Matsuda away from him. _And you lied to me and... and I wish..._ No. Far too much he could actually wish for. _You lied and... you're useless. A pathetic, stupid coward._

That makes Matsuda stop talking to him. Ide knew that it would. It doesn't make him feel any better.


	7. Sense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That’s what really hurts. That’s what’s really got to him. All this time he thought Matsuda was a victim. Like him. They were both paying the price for the side they'd picked and, okay, Matsuda had compromised more, Matsuda perhaps had had fewer doubts to begin with, but they were in this together. They were surviving together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to update earlier but was prevented, partly due to life and partly due to rewriting quite a lot of the next few chapters. I'm done with that now, though, so am hoping for a more regular update schedule. Thank you so much for reviews and kudos, they are lovely!

After a while – Ide’s lost track of time – the door flies open again. Mello strides into the room.

_Right. What we’re going to do is –_

There’s a crash. Breaking glass and footsteps storming towards them. Mello whirls round, sprints for the door again, already drawing his gun. Sirens. Then the shots start.

Ide knows he should care at least a little what happens next but he seems to have worn himself out caring too much about everything else. He slumps back against the wall again like the noise around him is nothing more than someone watching a movie in another room. More shots. Shouting. Too far away to hear what’s being said.

Matsuda says, _Ide._

It should be easy to ignore him but it really isn’t. 

_Look, I know – I know you hate me._ Matsuda's voice wobbles. _But you've got to listen, all right? If we get out of this – if that’s Kira people out there –_

_What makes you think it’s Raito’s lot?_ Ide’s throat is dry. He thinks of water and then tries not to. _I bet Mello’s made a lot of enemies._

_Raito can find us,_ Matsuda says. _I know he can. And he’ll ask me what happened. I’m just saying, if you’re sulking and ignoring me, he’ll want to know why. He’ll know something’s changed._

Ide twists round to look at him properly. Matsuda is glowering at him, hurt and frustration mingling under the bruises and dirt on his face. As if he’s the one who’s been wronged. 

_Are you going to tell him?_

He wants to sound angry, but his voice is thin and scared.

_I’ll have to tell him Mello knows_ , Matsuda says. He’s shaking a little. _So I… I guess Raito will figure out you know. He’ll ask me how you… took it._

As if Ide’s response was so irrational. 

Ide is staring at him and trying to think, kick his brain into making sense of all this, but there’s nothing about it that does make sense. Matsuda is looking at him like he should be answering. Matsuda is waiting for him to answer and he can't work out what the question is.

_Ide_ , Matsuda says, slowly, _are... are you going to be sensible about this?_

How _dare_ Matsuda talk to him like _he's_ the one in the wrong? How dare he? Matsuda lay back and let all this happen and didn't give a damn because Raito loved him. Ide has to fight not to yell as he retorts, _Go ahead. Tell him whatever you want. It’s not like my opinion matters to you, is it?_

Matsuda goes white. He starts to say something else but he's drowned out by more shots, outside, and what sounds like the roar of a helicopter overhead. Footsteps and then the door is slammed open and a figure in police riot gear is staring down at them. 

_Are you both all right? You’re not hurt?_ Ide vaguely recognises the voice. Someone from work. One of the watchers. The man throws something – keys, small and bright – to Matsuda, who fumbles the catch. _Get yourself and him free and come on._

_What – but what about –_

_We took one of them out. The other’s fled. We’re in pursuit. He won’t get far. Come on._

Matsuda is crouching next to Ide now, fumbling with the key. Warm fingers against his wrist. Sometimes that kind of moment, a casual touch, sparks a jolt of different memories, of night, of touching – not that he’d admit to anyone he thinks about things like that – but this time it’s handwriting he thinks of, fingers covered in ink, name after name –

Someone grabbing him by the arm. _On your feet._ The cop keeps a grip on his arm as they walk through the building. No sign of Mello or Matt. Ide wonders which one of them was killed. Faint, bleary sunlight through dusty windows. He is thinking _run_ , he is thinking he missed a chance of escape, even though he knows there never was one.

Matsuda disappears in the crowd outside. Now he's out of sight Ide can think without being blinded by fury. But without the fury there isn't much except a horrible feeling of the ground having vanished from under him. Nothing – nothing makes _sense_ – he thought, he thought that... and all the time... and Matsuda is on Raito's side, not his...

Matsuda is on Raito's side and so he's going to tell Raito everything –

He staggers to a halt, almost trips over his own feet. Matsuda will tell Raito everything and Ide will be revealed as someone who hates Kira and all he stands for and then he will die. Because Matsuda won't help him. Matsuda won't help him because Matsuda _caused_ all this...

He's being pulled forward. _Come on. You don't want to make trouble._ A car nearby. He’s being helped into it like he's somewhere between a criminal and a guest. The door slams and the sound jolts all the other thoughts out of his head. By the time he’s back in his own mind, he's being driven away. The driver – not someone he recognises – doesn’t speak to him, but watches.

Matsuda won't help him. Matsuda's on Raito's side. 

And one of the last things Ide did was call him a stupid coward. Set out to hurt him.

Maybe it'll be quick. No, it likely _will_ be quick. Maybe – maybe Matsuda will at least try and make it up to him that way, maybe there'll be a sentence about _doesn't feel a thing_ or _painless_ or –

He shouldn't have thought that, because now he's thinking about Matsuda being happy to let him die, Matsuda probably going to be the one killing him, and of all the stuff that's happened _this_ is the part that upsets him? But it does, it feels like something scooped out of him, that Matsuda will do that and won't mind and _I thought it was – I thought I was..._

The car stops. They’re back at the house. They’re back at the house far too soon and this is the last hour of his life and how can it be happening and how can it be happening so _fast_ –

It's happening fast but yet every moment is long and heavy. He’s upstairs. Waiting in a room near Raito’s office. It feels like they’ve been there a while. Ide and someone else, one of the Kira hangers-on who’s always at the house. Raito must be talking to Matsuda. Perhaps Ide won’t even see either of them. Why is he just sitting and waiting when he's about to die? Why isn't he –

The door opens. 

He’s in a dimly lit corridor.

He's walking into Raito’s office. Faint glow from a desk lamp. Raito pacing by the window. Matsuda sitting on the couch, resting his arms on his knees, twisting his fingers together. Ryuk a spiky shadow against the wall.

“Come here.” Raito turns, stalks towards him. His eyes are narrowed. Ide can’t remember the last time he saw him actually angry. Raito hasn’t had anything to be angry about for weeks. 

He finds himself sinking into the opposite couch. Stares at the floor, trying to keep Matsuda out of his line of sight.

“Matsuda’s told me what happened,” Raito snaps. “Mello was targeting the two of you. The smoke bomb. The explosives, to erase the evidence and give him time to get more information out of you. Which it sounds like he did. Extremely successfully.” This last slightly over his shoulder. Matsuda slumps a little further. That – is that good? The whole point is that Matsuda is on Raito's side... Matsuda never had anything to be scared of...

“I doubt you can offer much more,” Raito carries on, “but I want to make sure I know exactly what happened. So I can clarify exactly how much the two of you gave away.”

Ide swallows. There's thick silence and he knows he's supposed to be talking but he doesn't know what to say. 

Raito slams a fist down on the coffee table. The crash practically gives Ide a heart attack right there. He is trying to breathe and their faces are inches away and Raito is saying, quietly, fiercely, “I don’t have time to mess about. You know as well as I do how unpredictable Mello is, and he’ll be even more so now we’ve killed his accomplice. So _hurry up_.”

Matsuda says, quietly, “Ide, it's all right. It's all right. Raito knows it was me who messed up. It's all right.”

_It's all right._

If – if it means that Matsuda has – if it means that he's not going to tell –

“Ide,” Raito says, voice low, “stop being ridiculous and start telling me what happened.”

Ide feels the words falling from him before he remembers starting to speak. That Mello talked to him alone first. That Mello was pretty sure Near was dead. That he wanted to know why Ide and Matsuda weren’t. “He said if I didn’t, if I didn’t explain then he’d, he’d start picking on Matsuda and I couldn’t. I mean. I couldn’t. Matsuda was scared. I told him about what had happened to me. I switched sides and Aizawa’s still holding out and Mogi’s dead. That’s all I said. He kept asking about Matsuda –”

“I think that’s when he brought me back into the room,” Matsuda says, voice shaking. 

“I’m talking to Ide, not you.”

Ide swallows again, the fear sticking in his throat like a hook, he doesn’t even know who he’s frightened _of_ now. Matsuda said it was all right. Matsuda said it was all right... “He did. He did, he… said we should ask Matsuda some stuff. I didn’t know anything about what had happened to him. He – I mean, Mello – he wanted to know why Matsuda has more freedom than I do and I didn’t know. Then he…”

Then –

Raito takes a deep breath, straightens up a little, says with weary patience, “He asked why Matsuda has the privileges he does. You said you didn’t know. What did Matsuda say?”

“I think… I think he said that he… he’d given in first and so… and Mello wasn’t buying it. He said he’d expected us to be dead because we knew about things like the notebooks and the Eye deal and… and that’s how he guessed it. That’s… how he guessed… what Matsuda can do.” His voice sounds far away. Everything is far away. “Matsuda knew the others in the explosion were dead.”

Ryuk chuckles.

“You admitted it,” Raito is saying to Matsuda, scornfully. “He proposed it as a gamble and you just told him exactly what you’d been doing.”

Matsuda is stammering something like _he knew it was one of us, he knew it was one of us and he didn’t think it was Aizawa or Mogi, he knew it was one of us and I couldn’t just, I couldn’t…_

“Shut up,” Raito says, teeth gritted, and then, turning back to Ide: “So Matsuda admitted to Mello... what, exactly?”

Now Ide's started speaking it's easier to carry on. Speaking will make Raito less angry than silence will. “He told us that he... that he has the Eyes. He's been doing Kira's killings. He – he killed Near.”

He sounds confused. Like he doesn't quite believe it. Like he made it all up.

Raito just says, “And then?”

Matsuda is staring at them both, wide-eyed, biting his lip.

Ide takes a breath – it feels like he hasn't done so for a long time – and manages to say, “Mello left us alone. He wanted to think. He wanted Matsuda dead but… we were waiting and I, I asked Matsuda to tell me how it happened…”

Raito goes still for a moment. Then he turns back to Matsuda. 

“And you told him?” he says, as if he can’t believe anyone could have been so stupid. “You told him all of it?”

Matsuda shrinks back a little.

“Matsuda,” Raito says, slowly, deliberately. “Answer me.”

Matsuda shudders. Eventually, he nods.

“I don't _believe_ this,” Raito says at last. “How could you be so stupid?”

Matsuda is shaking his head. “No, it wasn't – it wasn't you, I was – it was stuff about me – Ide wanted to know about me – and – and Mello had left –”

“Of course he left!” Raito yells, and Ide can't remember the last time he heard him raise his voice. “He wanted to give you a chance to talk alone! See what you’d say! How could you not have worked that out?”

“I...” Matsuda staggers to his feet. He looks as numb and shocked as if someone's ripped a chunk out of him. “I... I didn't know... Raito, please, I'm sorry...”

Raito turns to face him properly and punches him in the mouth.

Matsuda yelps and stumbles backwards, hands to his face, but the next moment he is speaking again, thickly, through his fingers, “Please, please, Raito, I'm sorry, you have to believe me –”

For a moment Ide's not there, he's just watching, and then suddenly he's too much there, hands curling into fists to find something to keep hold of, he can taste the blood, feel the ooze of it over his lips –

“I don't have to do anything for you,” Raito says, breathing sharply, and Matsuda stops talking. “Get out of my sight. You're worthless. You're pathetic.”

Ide can just see Matsuda's eyes widening behind his fingers. Ryuk has leaned forward, white face bright in the half-light, grinning as he watches the show.

They're standing up. Matsuda has grabbed Ide by the arm, his nails dig in, there are bloody fingerprints on Ide's sleeve. They are out in the corridor. Now it's too bright, it's like screaming. _Worthless._ Ide wants to say something, wants to make things be normal, but he's shaking too much almost to breathe, let alone talk. 

A door opens and closes and they are in the dark now. Matsuda’s room. Matsuda takes a deep breath. His lip is split, blood smearing his chin. He's closing the curtains. He’s trembling so much it takes him a few tries to pull it off. Ide watches and wonders if he’s watching Matsuda or himself. Raito hit Matsuda. Matsuda doesn't get hit. That's the point. He took the easy way out, he took the easy way out from the start... 

Matsuda finally wrenches the curtains shut and they stare at each other. Matsuda looks exhausted and miserable and Ide remembers yelling at him, _I don't have anything to say to you_ , and... and Raito doesn't know about it. Matsuda didn't say anything. He could have but he didn't and so Ide is still alive.

“You don't have to stay,” Matsuda says at last. “If... if you don't want to.”

He can't remember what he's supposed to want. Not to be dead is the main one, followed by not getting hurt for thinking the wrong things. Wishing for more than that would be ludicrous. He was shouting at Matsuda. He was angry. Now he's... now it's that he's just scared? Or that they're being watched?

“I... I don't mind,” he manages to say. “Perhaps you... perhaps you don't want me around right now.” 

He wants – he didn't realise this until now – he wants Matsuda to say, _No, I do, I need you, it was all a mistake, nothing's changed, it's not true, none of it is true_ but of course Matsuda just says: “Well, Rai – Raito doesn't want _me_ around. So I don't...” and suddenly the rage is back as if Ide only left it for a second: _Right, I'm second choice when Raito's too busy doing the killing himself, I'm the person you go to when you want to feel clever because you know **so much more** than me, and you know I'd do anything if you let me touch you and I wouldn't even notice the way every single thing you said was a lie –_

Some of this must be showing on his face because Matsuda hisses at him, “Stop it. Just stop it. It's... it's...” He gulps and then, trying to drag his voice into normality, carries on, “Remember, it isn't you he's angry with. You haven't done anything wrong. Have you? You're just... you're just scared...”

Ide knows exactly why Matsuda is saying this and he should be grateful. He _is_ grateful, because he's weak and frightened and has just had it brought home to him how much he doesn't want to die for his principles. But Matsuda is... what he's saying isn't true and yet he can make it true just by speaking it. It didn't used to be like this. It used to be that you could look at something and make up your own mind about it.

He mumbles, “I can't...” and it's probably _I can't forgive you_ or _I can't stand here and listen to this_ or _I can't believe you're this delusional_ but it will be suicide to say any of those out loud so instead he just says, “I can't think...”

“You don't need to. You don't need to think about stuff, you just need to... to get some rest and then you'll feel better and everything will be okay.”

He's moved closer and put a hand on Ide's arm, squeezed his shoulder, and Ide is slumping against him and it’s still so familiar and then the realisation whips through his mind: _saying what he knows I want to hear – always knew I'd be weak enough to fall for it – desperate and lonely and – I was grateful and Raito told him to do it –_

Yes. That’s what really hurts. That’s what’s really got to him. All this time he thought Matsuda was a victim. Like him. They were both paying the price for the side they'd picked and, okay, Matsuda had compromised more, Matsuda perhaps had had fewer doubts to begin with, but they were in this together. They were surviving together.

When instead –

“Ide, stop it.” Matsuda is shaking. Ide can feel the hum of his words. “You’re… you’re freaked out after what happened, I get that, but… you’ve got to… you’ve got to stay calm. You – you know you’ve got to. I can’t –” He swallows. “You've got to... to be sensible.”

Ide feels like he’s going to start yelling, or lashing out, but he _can’t_ , he can’t, and so he presses his tongue against his teeth to keep all the words back. He does that and then he figures that means he is going to be _sensible_ and so he nods and then it hits him, _I have to be all right with this, I have to say it's all right about all the deaths, I have to say it's all right about him killing the SPK_ and then that he is only saying it because he doesn't want to die, and now who's the coward?

Matsuda holds onto him and whispers over and over again _It's all right_ and Ide tries to clutch hold of all the – the horror, the disgust with himself, the rage at Matsuda and Raito for making him give in like this – grab hold of all of it and choke it down –

Eventually he's got himself under control and, if he doesn't let his mind wander, he doesn't feel much except exhaustion. He pulls himself away from Matsuda – they may as well start acting out the pretence that everything is fine – and Matsuda, eyeing him warily (perhaps he can feel that things aren’t actually all right at all) mumbles something about how they should both get cleaned up, they should get something to eat. So that’s what they do. Silence lies between them but Matsuda doesn’t look like he notices. He stares into space, looking wretched. He keeps licking at his cut lip. Ide wishes he’d stop. He doesn't want to think about Raito being angry with them. Raito could lose his temper and write both their names down right now, if he wanted to.

It’s later. It’s completely dark and they’re in bed together and Ide knows what's going to happen. Matsuda needs to prove that someone doesn’t hate him. And so he's expecting it when Matsuda rolls over to face him, puts a shaky hand on his arm, kisses him, first awkwardly, close-mouthed, and then more firmly, breath and tongue hot, mouth tasting of blood. Ide had not thought about this happening again – he'd had too much else to consider – but now that it is, he is suddenly craving it. It will feel _good_ and feel _right_ and it won’t be thinking about all of this –

Did Matsuda ever think like that? Sleeping with Raito after he found out the truth?

He shouldn't have thought that. He doesn't think about other people together _anyway_ , he's not that kind of person. He shouldn't have thought it but with Matsuda half-on top of him it's hard not to. He knows how Matsuda's mouth feels, knows the sounds he makes and the kinds of things that he ends up doing, and, and Raito knows it too. Or maybe he doesn't. Maybe things are different between them. No reason to think you can generalise...

He pulls himself upright, away from Matsuda. He's glad it's dark because he can feel himself turning red and there's an unpleasant ache of embarrassment in his stomach. Raito is young and handsome and clever and Matsuda worships the ground he walks on. Ide is someone he slept with to win over to the side of righteousness. And all this time Ide was behaving as if was something more.

“Ide? You okay?”

Matsuda can't take a hint, of course. 

“Fine.”

He's not fooling anyone.

“You... you said...” Matsuda begins, and Ide can feel him shaking a little, “We said everything's okay. Nothing's changed.”

For god's _sake_. He's expected to swallow this down, too? Surely even Raito would forgive him for being a little – all right, let's admit it – _jealous_. Good. He can be angry for a moment at least. “Nothing's changed except that you've been – you've been in love with him all this time. I get that you wanted to make sure I – I made the right choice but you can't expect me to be _happy_ about – about being stupid enough to think it –” 

The anger isn't enough. He's just making a fool of himself. And – and what if Matsuda gets up, right now, and says he doesn't need to listen to this – what if he just leaves –

He slumps onto his back and wonders if he can just pretend to fall asleep. 

Matsuda, next to him, sits up a little, arms wrapped round his sheet-covered knees.

“No, I...” he begins, and then, “When I said I thought I'd have the best chance of convincing you, I didn't mean... I didn't know we were going to start... you know.” 

This is a lie, it must be, but Matsuda doesn't _sound_ like he's lying. He sounds tired and nervous and like he has no idea what he’s trying to say.

“I... I mean, I was thinking anyway how you – you didn't know, before, that me and Raito were... And, like, when I said it was my idea to talk to you, you must have thought I was saying I'd only... I'd only said I... cared about you and stuff to keep you on – on our side.”

He swallows.

“That’s why you weren’t very happy, isn’t it?”

Ide wants to shake him, yell at him that the reason he _wasn’t happy_ was because Matsuda has killed hundreds of people and been personally responsible for getting Ide and the other two locked up by Kira fanatics. No. No, he’s not thinking like that any more. _It. It doesn’t matter._ He can hardly believe he’s thinking this but he has to, he made peace with it, and he is going to let Matsuda decide what the facts are…

“Is that why you said it?” he asks, and his throat is dry and he doesn’t even know what answer he’s looking for.

“No!” Matsuda's scrambling round to face him, clutching his shoulder: “No, I didn't, I promise. Look, back then, I said I'd talk to you. I'd never thought of you like... like that. I didn't... when we first... you were scared and...”

Ide doesn't want to think about being scared. He thinks maybe that shows on his face too because Matsuda says, “It's okay,” and then carries on, “I wanted... the stuff I did for you to try and make you feel better, I wanted to do that stuff. I mean, sure, it was what I was meant to be doing but I... I wanted to make things better. I wanted to make you happy.”

This is bound to be another lie and if they could see each other properly Ide wouldn’t be falling for it (even if he played along to stay alive) but in the dark, close enough to hear Matsuda's breathing, he can pretend that none of this really counts. And that no one’s listening.

“Well... why?” he says. “Why me? You... you saw Aizawa and Mogi too, you knew they were just as... that they had it just as bad.” Trying to keep his voice steady, like the _bad_ isn't _that_ bad. 

Matsuda says, more quietly, “I couldn't have helped, with them. Aizawa would always like it better if I _wasn't_ around, and Mogi... I don't think it would have done anything. I think he... like, I mean, I don't think he needs someone else around. Needed.”

Ide would say _And I did?_ but there's no point because of course he did. His stomach tightens. He was desperate and Matsuda could see it and would Ide have turned him away even if he had known what was really going on? When he was alone and barely holding it together and that was a stupid line of thought to go down because now he’s thinking _they could put you back there, any time, you give Raito any reason to think you need closer observation, you nearly got yourself killed tonight because you couldn’t keep your temper, how many more times are you going to screw up like that –_

Matsuda is still nervously watching him, hugging his knees. Matsuda is here and willing to speak to him and that’s enough. Deep breath.

“And – and now,” he says, loud enough to put Matsuda off denying it because he is not going to hope for denial, “Now you're – spending time with me and you – you're intimate with me because Raito wants you to be. Because if you weren't, I might be more... difficult.”

Matsuda says, more quietly, “Yes,” and then, “But it’s not… I… I like it. It’s nice. If Raito told me to stop, then, then – then of course I would, but if he just said it didn't matter, like I could do what I want, then I'd... I'd do... this. Be here.”

Ide can tell he is feeling almost happy about this. Which is also stupid.

“You love Raito,” he says, trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice. 

“I... yeah.”

“So why – why do you want to waste time with me that you could – that you could be spending with him?”

“That’s… not how it works.” Matsuda sounds genuinely puzzled. “I mean, I – yeah, I want to... I like being with... he's... but he couldn't have me around him all the time, I'd annoy him too much. It's like... okay, even you must have things you really loved – you really love doing, but you couldn't do them all the time because life's not like that. Like you can't go on holiday all the time even if you really love it. You have to... you can only do it sometimes.”

He's quiet for a moment. Ide really wants to say, _and you're all right with this? This makes you happy?_ but he doubts he'd get a truthful answer. Perhaps it is what Matsuda wants, perhaps having someone, anyone, say they love him is enough. _But Raito isn't that special_ , a voice at the back of his mind says nastily, _Raito isn't worth this..._

But Matsuda is already carrying on, “Anyway, it isn't wasting time. Being with you. It's just normal. I mean, we've basically spent the last five years in the same room, I'd... I'd miss you if you weren't around going on about why I watch so much TV.”

Ide can imagine Aizawa or Mello rolling their eyes and asking him how he can be so stupid as to even listen to any of this. Matsuda has admitted that he's keeping this... _relationship_ going because Raito wants him to. He's dressed the rest of it up with a bunch of words that mean nothing. 

But what exactly can Ide do about it?

“We need to sleep,” he says.

Matsuda nods. After a few moments, he slides a bit closer to Ide, and they are lying against each other as if, yes, as if nothing's changed. In the dark with just the smell of Matsuda's skin and the sound of his heartbeat, Ide can almost believe it.

He lies awake for what feels like hours, trying to wrap his mind round being _calm_ about all of this. Being _accepting_. It’s exhausting but he doesn’t fall asleep for ages and when he does he dreams of being trapped in smoke and calling for help, calling for Matsuda and then shouting at him _How could you, how could you do it._ And so Matsuda isn’t there. No one’s there, and Ide can’t breathe –

He wrenches himself awake and there's grey light on the other side of the blinds. Good. Now he can give up pretending he’s going to have a relaxing eight hours' sleep.

Matsuda isn't there. 

Probably gone to talk to Raito. Probably telling Raito what was said last night, how well he really thinks Ide took the news. For a few seconds Ide can't breathe but he fights down the panic and slowly the world is normal again: chilly morning air, the sound of traffic outside, a radio somewhere in the distance. It sounds like any number of mornings. It sounds like mornings from a normal life where you get up and go to work and it doesn't occur to you to worry about whether you'll survive to see the evening. 

Footsteps outside the door. 

He's scrambling to sit up even as Raito walks in, Matsuda trailing behind him. Matsuda looks more exhausted than usual but otherwise he doesn’t look that different. If you look at him and try to make yourself think, _he's killed hundreds of people_ , the idea is laughable...

Raito is talking. Ide can't make the words line up into sense. Biting his lip. Nothing is – nothing is fixed down. There's what Raito is saying and what he's not saying and what Ide is scared he might say and it's getting harder and harder to tell the difference –

“ _Ide_ ,” Raito snaps, and is staring coldly at him: “Perhaps you'd be good enough to listen when I'm speaking to you?”

Ide waits for his heart rate to settle. He's okay. It's okay. It isn't as if he doesn't know how he's supposed to behave. “Right. Yes. I'm sorry.”

“I said that you're not going to work today. No doubt you'll be shaken after yesterday's events, and it's not a good idea for you to be talking to other people right now. You can stay in here. Matsuda will report back to me in half an hour but he's not going anywhere else today, either.” This last said with an edge to it. Matsuda's hanging his head. When Raito leaves the two of them alone he doesn't even look at Matsuda, who takes a deep, trembling breath and slumps down on the edge of the bed.

Ide has to wait a while before he can get up the nerve to speak and by the time he has it, Matsuda has got it together, has turned to look at him and managed a sort of smile and a _hey, how are you feeling._ That's not a question that has an appropriate answer so Ide just moves onto the important stuff: “He's – he's still angry with you.”

Matsuda shrugs, fighting to keep the smile in place. “Yeah, well... I did something really stupid. He's not just going to get over that, is he? I'd – I'd hate me if I were him.”

Ide goes cold all over at that and he wants to pretend he never heard it but he asks anyway, maybe in the hope things aren't as bad as they look: “ _Hate_ is... that's quite a strong word, you think he...” _What if he..._

“No! No, no...” Matsuda scrambles to sit opposite him, meets his gaze like that will remove any doubt. “I didn't mean... he's... he just, I really screwed up. So he's angry. And, I mean, it was Mello. He really _does_ hate Mello. But it's fine. Everything's fine. You mustn't worry.”

Which sounds exactly what you say when you're really worried and don't want the other person to know. In the bathroom, shaving and trying not to look his reflection in the eyes, Ide tries not to think too hard about a few key facts. Matsuda has the Eyes, so he's useful, but that's the only thing he has to offer. Anyone can take the Eyes. And literally the only reason Ide and Aizawa are still alive is because Matsuda wants them to be. If Matsuda goes, so do they.

There are bruises smeared across his face from yesterday. He hadn't noticed the ache from them, which means he probably doesn't look half as bad as he did when, before, when he was still trying to hold out. When he thought he was in any position to demand _anything_ of Matsuda. 

When he's dressed and back in the bedroom he makes himself walk over to Matsuda, sit next to him, force a smile. Lets Matsuda lean against him, put an arm round him. It almost feels normal again.


	8. Combat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' “Why are you so frightened?” Raito is saying, mouth close to Matsuda’s face. “You know that I’ll protect you. You know you’re mine, you’ll always be mine, no matter what you do. There’s nothing to be scared of, Matsuda, I promise…” '

Things are – things are actually really bad. 

Matsuda is trying not to think about this head-on. You can consider the situation by sort of walking round it, but if he's not careful he starts thinking about _what if_ and then none of the possibilities look good –

Mello found out about everything and so did Ide and Ide was more angry than Matsuda's ever seen him. So Matsuda's got to, got to make sure they pretend it never happened. But Raito will be furious if he finds out they're doing this. And Raito is furious with Matsuda anyway because of giving away information. And Mello is furious with him for killing Near. It's. It is really bad –

_Stop. Stop it, you've got to stay calm._

He's doing a pretty good job of staying calm in front of Ide. And... and Ide understands now, he understands they've got to be... sensible. He was angry but he isn't angry now. He's – okay, he's pretty tired out and stressed from the whole getting-kidnapped thing – he's slumped to rest his head on his hands and Matsuda can feel his ribs barely moving because his breathing's so shallow – but that makes sense. Anyone would be stressed.

He rubs Ide's back and Ide glances quickly round at him and there's that odd look for a second in his face, that look like Matsuda is a stranger whom he doesn't much like, before he stares at the ground instead and mutters, “Guess he was right. I am pretty shaken up. It's –” and he shudders, grips one hand with the other.

“Sure,” Matsuda says. “Sure, it makes sense you would be.”

“I'm fine really,” Ide says, even though he's still trembling a little. “I'm fine. Just have to... let it pass. I'm sorry about this.” He sounds truculent more than anything else. “I know this is ridiculous.”

“No, it's okay. Really.” Matsuda's about to carry on, _After all, you've been through a lot_ but he can feel the tripwire in that conversation, that Ide will yell at him _And whose fault was that?_ and –

_Look_ , Matsuda answers in his head, _look, what else could I do? I wasn't going to let you die –_

And he hears Ide saying, _Right, you let me get taken prisoner instead and beaten on until I gave in, that's hardly any better –_

Matsuda digs his teeth into his lower lip until he's stopped thinking like that. It's _fine_ now. Ide's okay with it. He – he gets why it had to... the reason he was upset was, it was because Matsuda was with Raito, Ide thought that meant... 

Oh, god, oh _god_ who is he trying to fool, this is crazy, he's not even tricking himself and Raito is way smarter than him –

No. Okay. No. He can't start freaking out as well. He has to keep a cool head. He isn't doing anything wrong, after all. He talked Ide into seeing sense. That's _good_. Why does Raito even need to know about stuff that's not important? 

Except this _is_ important...

_And when Raito already hates you for screwing up so badly yesterday – do something else you know he won't like, that will fix everything – you're such an idiot –_

But he can't not. He _can't_. Ide should – by rights Ide should be dead. Even though he just... lost it because he was surprised, it'll look really bad. They can't risk it.

It's time to go see Raito. He'd much rather go back to bed and sleep and sleep and never wake up but that's childish and it's only going to make him look more stupid. So he gets to his feet and tries to smile at Ide like everything's going to be fine and then he makes his way to the main room. Knocks. Waits. Raito’s _come in_ doesn’t sound any less irritated. 

Matsuda takes a deep breath and walks inside. Raito is on the phone. He glances at Matsuda, nods, goes on with the conversation. It’s kind of like when Matsuda was at school and had to present his dad with evidence of bad grades. Waiting with your hands going all dry and telling yourself you’re fine, you’re calm, you’re taking deep breaths, but feeling sicker and sicker underneath.

Raito hangs up, eventually, and turns to look at him.

“All right,” he says. “I don’t want to hear another round of pointless excuses. I hope you understand why I’m so displeased with the way you handled things yesterday –” Matsuda is already nodding but Raito doesn’t pause, just carries on, “The important thing is work out Mello’s next move. Tell me again what happened and exactly what you told him. And Ide.”

Matsuda nods, starts in on it again. It's actually a relief just to focus on getting every detail in. The Eyes. The judgements. Near. _It's going to be fine._ “And then Mello said he – he wanted to think about what to do next, so he went away. And so…”

_It's fine. You can do this. You're not doing anything bad._ Under his ribs it's a bruise of tension.  


“Ide wanted to… to know how it had happened. Like… you know, he was pretty curious about us being… like that. He wanted to know how long and… and stuff.”

Raito doesn’t answer, he just keeps gazing at Matsuda like it’s so obvious there’s more to be said. Maybe he already knows, has guessed that Matsuda's lying. And if he has, Matsuda will never be able to come back from it. He will lose Raito forever. Oh, god, what is he _doing_...

“I told him about how you and I… uh… how we started being… together.” His voice is croaky. “And how I found out about – about Kira. And why – why I – why we had to, to stop the SPK and Near. Like that if they caught me I'd just give in and tell them everything.”

He remembers to take a breath. “And how with Ide and the others, why we… did it the way we did. Like that I didn't want them to... Then Mello came back in and he was just starting to say something when we heard the Kira people arriving.”

Raito nods. 

“And what did Ide say to all that?” he asks.

Matsuda realises he's clenching his teeth. _I can't tell. I **can't**. _ If he can just get through this last bit then it will be over and he can forget about all the yelling and he can start showing Raito how much he wants to make up for his mistakes.

“He was… he was upset but mostly about us – you and me – you and me being together. I think he was – he was kind of jealous but he didn’t realise that he was, you know?” And that's basically _true_ , Ide even admitted it later. “And then, and he was pretty freaked out about me, you know, using the notebook. ‘Cause it’s me. And he hadn’t known about that, either.”

“You’d think,” Raito says, his eyes narrowing a little, “if he really meant what he said about his support for Kira, he’d be pleased to hear that you’re in such a powerful position.”

Matsuda feels like he's just swallowed an ice cube. His thoughts are whiting out but he hears someone with his voice carrying on, “Well… you know Ide. He doesn’t… think like that. That kind of… networking.” _Don't think about how dumb you sound. Don't think about Raito finding out. Just tell him the stuff you **can** tell._ “And… and I think he felt stupid, that there was all this stuff he hadn’t known about. It wasn’t… it wasn’t about being on sides. It was just he’d… he thought I, you know, liked him, and if I was with you it meant that I’d been lying about it. Last night I tried to tell him it wasn’t like that. I… I said to him that I like… being with him. I mean as long as you're all right with it.”

His heart’s pounding so loudly he can hardly hear his own words. 

“Let’s hope that’s all it is,” Raito says at last. “I’m trusting you, Matsuda.”

Matsuda feels himself nod, say that he understands. The words are a skin-thin layer over the fear. Raito has pretty much just said that he knows Matsuda could be lying. Pretty much said that he'll be really, really angry if that's the case. And Matsuda is just standing here pretending that everything's fine.

But Raito is getting to his feet now. “Don’t go out of the house. I’ve got security on standby in case Mello does try to get to you. Which he might well, now he knows your part in Near’s death. If he does, you are to give him _no_ more information, do you understand? Obviously if you can see his face that would be ideal, though I doubt he’ll let you. Still. Make sure you’re armed at all times, as well. If you're given any opportunity to kill him, take it.”

Matsuda is nodding and nodding and trying not to think of what will likely happen if he and Mello come face to face. 

“Raito...” he begins, and he actually nearly does blurt out something as dumb as _Please don't hate me._ He wants to walk over to Raito, touch his arm or something, make it all feel better, but Raito is already walking to the door, only pausing to hand him a folder: “Here are yesterday’s judgements and some pages. I’ve locked your notebook away with mine. And burn the pages after you’ve used them. If Mello gets his hands on them, we're both dead.”

“Sure,” Matsuda is saying to an empty room. “Right. I’ve got it.” 

Everything’s quiet.

He works through the judgements on autopilot. The dust has settled and he's said what he needed to say and now everything will be fine. He just needs to start actually believing this and then he won't feel so scared. 

He's watching the notebook pages crumbling from flame into brittle blackness in the ashtray when the phone rings. Maybe it’ll be a message to take, or some information to act on. A distraction.

“Yagami’s office,” he’s saying, “Matsuda speaking,” and the person on the other end of the line says, “Great, I wanted to talk to you.”

Matsuda almost drops the phone.

“I thought we should have a chat,” Mello says. He sounds almost bored again. “Pretty interesting day yesterday, wasn’t it?”

_No. No, this can't be happening, he can't – I can't –_

Oh, god, he's got to stay calm –

He manages to take a breath – it feels like he doesn’t have room for any more – and then wrench out one word, another: “I… don’t... I don’t care what you want to say, I –”

“Doesn’t bother me,” Mello says, cutting in easily like everything’s fine, like he’s got all the time in the world. “Some people might say after you’ve got Near _and_ my best mate killed, the least you deserve is an earful from me, you know? It _was_ you they were tracking to find us, wasn't it? They would’ve been keeping tabs on the location of Kira’s Eyes? I should've... well. Doesn't matter now.”

_Best mate –_ right, the other guy who helped kidnap them. Matsuda doesn't think he noticed much about him. Someone quiet in a ski mask who’d said something about video games. 

“I…” he begins, and his voice is drying up already, but, “I don’t care. You all… knew what you were risking...”

“Yeah? Did Ide?”

Matsuda wants to yell at Mello to shut up but he's not so stupid he doesn't know that will only show that this has got to him. _Think –_ the call will be recorded and traced because every call on this line is, and maybe Mello will say something that Raito can make sense of, if Matsuda just lets him talk...

“Yes,” he says, trying to sound calm and cold, like Raito would. “Ide knew – Ide knew it was dangerous. We all did.” Mello sighs, almost a laugh, and Matsuda hastily changes it to, “They all did,” and wishes he could kid himself Mello hasn't noticed.

“Right. He didn't sound that happy about you bringing the danger right to him, though.”

“He was surprised,” Matsuda says, trying to sound like he knows it all, like Mello's misunderstood. “So he freaked out – ” Shit, _shit_ , he shouldn't have said it like that. He can't change it now, though, that'll only make it more obvious –

“That's one way of putting it,” Mello says. “Basically, he reacted instinctively and forgot that you've got his life in your hands, didn't he? He must’ve been kicking himself after. Rookie error. He is still alive, right? ”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Matsuda says, and thinks about Raito listening to this and – it's all lost, isn't it? He tried so hard just now and it's all going to fall apart –  
“Of course you don’t.” Mello sounds bored now. “Oh, well. I’m guessing he’s not dead yet, otherwise you’d be falling to bits even more than you already are. Figures… I reckon even he's smart enough to know the right words to smooth things over. Has he told you he gets it? That he only tried to smash your face in because you weren't his one and only?”

Matsuda's feeling so sick he can't speak. He shouldn't have even attempted this. He should've hung up right away. Except probably Mello would've just called back later and said it all to Raito instead. 

“You _do_ know he hates your guts now?” Mello says. “I mean, I think he's got a reason to. You've ruined his life and, you know, murdered hundreds and hundreds of people. He might have told you something else after Kira found you but most people are pretty cool with saying what they have to when it's keeping them alive.”

_No_ , Matsuda thinks, digging his teeth into his lower lip. _You’re wrong. You don’t know half as much as you think you do._ Ide's not able to lie that much. Ide _was_ angry but he couldn't be just looking at Matsuda and hating him and then acting like he doesn't. He doesn't pretend – he gets grumpy and says the wrong thing – Matsuda couldn't make him change that –

“I reckon Kira knows it too,” Mello says. “Judging by how sure Ide was he was going to be killed once Kira knew he'd talked to me. So everyone's playing along to keep you happy. Lucky you.”

Matsuda can't just stand here and listen. Talking's not going to help but if he just stands and listens like he believes it all then he'll just fall to bits right here.

“Are you trying to get him killed?” he snaps. “Is this, like, you’re angry about – about Near and so you’re going to get someone that I – that’s important to me killed in return?” God, what if Mello just says _Yes_ –

“Oh, please. Like I need to _work_ to get you two killed. You’re both dead men walking, just don’t know it yet.” A snort. “Well. No. I think Ide’s worked it out.”

Matsuda’s pretty sure if he were smarter he’d be able to figure out what the hint here is, but he isn’t, and he’s not going to just – go along with Mello’s stupid sarcastic comments and pretend it’s so clever. 

“Right, so you’re going to kill _me_ ,” he says, trying to sound bored, trying not to notice how his voice is shaking. “Whatever. I get it –”

There’s silence for a moment as if Mello is genuinely surprised, and then: “What… no. God. You really are an idiot, aren’t you? Kira’s going to kill you as soon as you become too much of a liability. Or when he finds another lovesick moron.”

Which is just the kind of thing Mello _would_ say, and Matsuda’s beginning, “Yeah, right –” but Mello is carrying on, “What makes you think he wouldn’t? He kills everyone else if it’ll help make his glorious new world.”

“He doesn't need to kill me,” Matsuda says. Okay, he kind of shouts it. “Why'd he want to kill me? I'm on his side. I'm helping him –”

“You didn't help him much yesterday. And you're hanging around whining and bitching about how he can't kill the task force, who're the only people who know how he gets his power. _I'd_ kill you, if I were him.”

“He –” and Matsuda’s started speaking before he even knows what he’ll say because the words will come to counteract something this ridiculous –

“He loves you?”

And Matsuda doesn’t think he was going to say that, and so he stumbles to a halt, but he doesn’t know what he _should_ say. 

“He doesn't give a shit about you,” Mello says. “Like, most people, when someone they love gets kidnapped by the same psycho who led the Mafia and killed their father, they’d be a little bit worried. You know. Hell, most people when it’s someone they don’t actively loathe, they’d be a little bit worried. Like how you and Ide both folded when you thought I was going to go after the other one of you. Has Kira told you how scared he was for you? Is he grateful you survived and didn’t get your fingernails torn out? He said how he’d die before he lost you?”

Matsuda’s suddenly itching all over with irritation, of all things. Like, why are they even talking like this? Why is it Mello’s business? Why does he get to talk like he knows everything anyway? It’s not – he doesn’t – this is _stupid_ –

Even if it would’ve been nice if someone had said to him, _Wow, it was rough what happened to you, are you all right –_

“Why? Do you want me to – to prove it to you?” he’s snapping into the phone before he can think what else to say. 

“Well, yeah, kind of. I mean, to me – and to Ide as well, judging by what he said – it sounds like you got fucking played from the start.”

That horrible sinking feeling that’s kind of like finding out there's a test where you're hopelessly unprepared and everyone else has known for ages. Matsuda feels like he’s been waiting for this for years, someone pointing out that Raito doesn’t love him because why would he? 

“I mean…” Mello is carrying on, “he feeds you this sob story about how devastated he is over the first L dying. So the two of you can bond over that. He sets you up to be the only one who understands him, who sees the real him, so you’ve kind of committed to being the one who accepts him whatever he turns out to’ve done. When you catch him out as Kira, he starts making it into a choice between killing him there and then, or switching sides. Upping the stakes for you, you know? Oh, and then saying he needs help, he needs someone to be a hero, and waiting for you to take the bait… he’d know you were itching to step into that role.”

A breath like he's shifting position slightly. “And now you’ve changed sides and given half your life away and blah blah blah. Sounds like you got played to me. By the way, if you love someone, generally you don’t encourage them to halve the amount of time they’ll be alive. You sort of want to keep them _not dead_ for as long as possible.”

Matsuda is feeling sick and scraped raw and he doesn’t even know why. That's not – that's not what happened. Mello and Ide, they weren't there, they didn't see. They didn't see that it was real and Raito was as frightened as Matsuda was and Matsuda _offered_ to take the Eyes and – and they think it's so unlikely someone like Raito could give a damn about someone like Matsuda but he does, Matsuda is positive –

Mello laughs in his ear and Matsuda actually wishes they _were_ face to face because he wants to kill him.

“Guess you didn't care much about your best friend, then,” he hisses. “When you invited him to come along on your stupid kidnapping stunt –”

For a moment there is silence on the other end of the phone and Matsuda should feel good about actually scoring a point but he's just terrified. 

“Better hope Kira kills you soon,” Mello says at last, voice dark. “It'll be a quicker way to go than I'll give you.”

And then there's just dial tone.

Matsuda stands there holding the phone and trying to remember how to breathe. It feels like he stands there for hours before the realisation hits him. Never mind the stupid, _stupid_ stuff about Raito having never cared. Never mind about the death threat. Mello has just spelt out exactly how much Matsuda has lied about Ide. As soon as Raito hears the recording, he'll –

He'll –

Matsuda is thinking _maybe I can just erase it_ and then wants to shake himself for being so stupid, like, how is covering up the cover-up going to make things any better? He doesn't even think he could get rid of the evidence without Raito being able to recover it – these are Raito's systems – and then he'd be caught lying and hiding evidence as well and everything would be even worse –

But as soon as Raito hears it –

He thinks of Ide trying to keep it together on his own, trying to pretend everything’s all right, and – _he’d know what was happening. He’d know and he’d know it was because of me and he would hate me so much –_

It wasn’t meant to be like this –

Behind him, the door opens.

“The system just received a call from an unknown number,” Raito says. “And that was rather a long discussion for a cold-caller trying to sell you something. Was it him, Matsuda?”

Matsuda can’t even turn to look at him, but Raito has already crossed the room. Glances back at him. “I’m assuming that it was, given how upset you look. Matsuda, the more you let him get to you, the more power he has. Can you _please_ try and stand up to him, at least a little?”

He’s playing back the recording. Mello’s voice sounds unreal; a nightmare voice. Matsuda’s own sounds wobbly and stupid.

Raito listens and then stands in silence for a few moments.

“I see,” he says, at last, and his voice is quiet and calm and Matsuda tries to tell himself that everything is all right but Raito carries on, “So, you lied to me about Ide’s reactions to the truth yesterday.”

Matsuda feels like he’s been hit in the stomach even though he knew this was coming. He swallows. Tries to say something. Nothing comes to mind.

“Ide _freaked out_ ,” Raito says. “He _reacted instinctively_. And then he remembered the game he’s playing, and said the right words to us to smooth things over. Is that what happened, Matsuda?”

The silence is so taut it feels like it’s about to rip in half. Matsuda swallows again and manages to say, “No,” because what else can he say? “No. No, he… he was upset about us… and about me using the notebook. That’s… that’s all…”

Raito is very close to him and Raito’s hands are gripping his shoulders, nails digging in, and Raito is saying slowly and coldly, “How dare you. How _dare_ you stand there and keep lying to my face? Do you really think I’m that stupid?”

Matsuda is trying to shake his head and he’s trying to speak but the words aren’t lining up properly and his thoughts are all screaming _stupid stupid stupid_. The world jolts as Raito shakes him – his teeth rattle – and then the other man’s voice, closer now, right next to Matsuda’s ear: “Stop it. I don’t want to hear excuses and I _definitely_ don’t want to hear lies. You’re going to tell me the truth and you’re going to do it now.”

When Raito talks like this you know that you’re going to do what he says, because that’s what happens when he gives orders. Which means that Matsuda will tell him everything and Ide will die. _I. I promised._ The floor is lurching and he finds himself sinking to the floor, on his knees. Raito has let him fall, half-kneels with him, holding him by the arms. Stopping complete collapse. Matsuda is clutching him in return like there’s further to fall, his sweaty fingers tangled in Raito’s jacket.

“Why are you so frightened?” Raito is saying, mouth close to Matsuda’s face. “You know that I’ll protect you. You know you’re mine, you’ll always be mine, no matter what you do. There’s nothing to be scared of, Matsuda, I promise…”

Matsuda is scrambling desperately at the words, they’re exactly what he wants to hear, they are _true_ , there is nothing to be frightened of, everything is going to be all right –

Except that he can hear he’s pretending to himself. He’s telling himself all this and underneath it all he knows that he can get Ide killed in seconds if he says the wrong thing. The right thing.

“Is it the other things Mello said?” Raito murmurs. “His pathetic attempts to try and create conflict between us? Don’t tell me you actually believe his… creative take on the facts.”

“But –” Anything not to talk about Ide, and the only thing more frightening than challenging Raito on this is wondering for ever more if Mello was right. “But everything he said, it… it could’ve happened that way. If you were like that. If you didn’t… if you didn’t…”

Raito goes still. Eventually, his hands slide away from Matsuda’s arms.

“Do you think I am?” he says at last.

“I… no, I just…”

“Because it certainly sounds as though you believe I’m that cold-blooded.” Raito’s voice is clipped – he glances away, at the floor. “I’m sorry if you regret our – our involvement. As you pointed out to Mello, you insisted on taking the Eyes. I begged you not to, if you remember. I said I didn’t want you to be the one to make that sacrifice. But if – if you don’t believe me, of course –”

“No. I do. I do believe you,” Matsuda is stammering, and he doesn’t know whether that’s true or not but he does know that he doesn’t want to _hurt_ Raito, he doesn’t want to argue with Raito, he doesn’t want to see everything wrecked because he said the wrong thing in a panic –

“God forbid I’m preoccupied with catching the man who murdered my father and destroyed my sister’s life,” Raito says, and his voice is tighter now. “Yes, I was angry with you, and that was childish of me. If I’d kept control of myself, I would have been able to – to tell you I wasn’t happy with what you’d done while still demonstrating how grateful I was that you were all right. I’m sorry. You know – you know more than anyone else I’m not perfect – I thought you’d forgiven me for it –”

This is the version of Raito that Matsuda’s sure hardly anyone else ever sees. The version who hates so much to fail, who’s so angry at himself for making mistakes, who can’t see that he’s closer to perfect than most humans will get in a lifetime. He’s feeling sick and scared, still terrified that this is it, that everything will fall apart in seconds, but there’s an odd, sad gratitude there too, that he understands this, that it proves Mello was just messing with his head…

“I have, I… I mean I… I mean there’s nothing to forgive. I mean… I’m the one who should be sorry, Raito, you know that. I just, he just said, and I always knew no one would understand why you’d want to be with me of all people…” His voice is shaking a little but Raito has pulled him into a hug, is holding him close and whispering, “It’s all right, it’s all right, Matsuda, let’s stop thinking about it… there’s nothing either of us need to be sorry for…”

His mouth is on Matsuda’s and Matsuda feels the fear tip over into want. He’s kissing back, probably too much, too messily, but Raito just smiles under his mouth and lets him, bites at his lip, his throat, and then they’re half-lying on the floor instead of kneeling facing each other and Matsuda has pretty much forgotten where they even _are_ when Raito pulls back a little, breathing quickly: “Matsuda… Matsuda, I don’t want to… to ask this but… you have to tell me what Ide said. You can’t… you can’t keep something that important back…”

Matsuda has never felt so desperate to keep making out rather than answer questions. He even half-leans in again like he thinks Raito will just let it drop, but Raito pulls back again, stares at him clear-eyed and calm: “Matsuda. Tell me.”

Matsuda closes his eyes a second. _I can do this._ Raito and Ide have both forgiven him so if he can only convince each of them that the other doesn’t mean them harm… 

Yeah, _only_ , like it’s that easy.

Maybe if he starts with the things that are kind-of covered up but not really so bad, that’ll be enough. Maybe – maybe he’s being crazy. Raito won’t just kill Ide just like that. He knows Matsuda would be – would be really unhappy.

“He was. He was upset. About the… the killing. He was really… he hated that it was me doing it.”

Raito nods. “What else?”

“He was angry I’d lied. He was angry, he… he thought I’d had it like him, getting… getting it bad until I… until I said I’d… support Kira. He thought it was… and then he found out I’d helped… helped you and… also I told him I’d thought I could convince him. He didn’t… he thought that meant I’d… I’d only pretended… like I’d only started doing stuff with him to change his mind. I tried to tell him, last night, I tried to tell him it wasn’t like that.”

He’s trying to think of stuff that he can safely admit but all he can think of suddenly is Ide yelling at him _How could you be so stupid_ and _you fell for that_ and _it’s still killing_. He tries to keep his gaze on Raito’s, to look like he’s got nothing else to hide, but he can feel the blood draining from his face at the thought of Raito not buying it – Raito pushing him to tell everything – and Raito _can_ , that’s the worst bit, Raito can do anything and Matsuda can’t even beg him not to without giving Ide away just by that…

“Mostly he just... he was just angry I’d lied to him. He said it. He said _I trusted you and you lied._ ”

Raito sits back on his heels. Nods. Matsuda tries to keep his breathing steady and waits for the next question.

“Mostly?” Raito says.

Matsuda’s stomach twists and he so nearly blurts it all out, _no, he hates you, he hates the killing, he said he’s one of the ones who’s against Kira, he couldn’t understand why I’d done any of it_. He tells himself that’s just as much a lie, that Mello would put it that way but there’s no reason for Matsuda to. That it wasn’t like he said straight out _Ide, are you just putting this on so as not to die?_ and got a _Yes_ in response and so – and so –

“He doesn’t… he doesn’t like the killing. I mean, he… he understands about… he understands why it has to happen but it still feels bad. To him. I mean, he’s pretty set in his ways and he’s spent his whole life believing in… in something different.”

Raito nods again and keeps looking at him like there’s more to say. Matsuda bites his tongue. There is nothing more to say. Raito might think there is but… but he just admitted he’s not perfect, he just admitted Matsuda’s opinion is important to him, and so Matsuda’s not doing anything wrong by – by just describing things from his own perspective. 

“I knew you wouldn’t like it,” he says, as if it doesn’t even occur to him that there’s more information to offer. “He knew, too. So… so he didn’t want me to tell and… and I didn’t want to let him down.”

“You’re right, I don’t like it,” Raito says, and he is reaching out, taking Matsuda’s hand, entwining their fingers. “It makes him dangerous. Perhaps it is all you’ve said – jealousy and habit – but it still means that when he’s under pressure, he reverts to his old beliefs. He knows that you and I control the judgements. He knows how we do it. He knows about shinigami and the Eyes and who we are as people, our families, our lives… If he decides he wants to turn against Kira, he’s incredibly well-placed to do so. And that’s a problem.”

A gentle tug at Matsuda’s hand. “I don’t want to see my new world suffering because of him, and I don’t want to see you suffering, either. I worry about how emotionally invested the two of you seem to be in each other. I’d thought you were simply colleagues, nothing more. I mean, his bond has always been with Aizawa, who’s never – been particularly patient with you, has he?”

Matsuda waits to see if he’s finished talking. He always tries really hard not to leap in and blurt out something dumb in the middle of Raito laying out some amazing theory: Raito looks at him almost in disbelief when that happens. But now the other man is staring at him, expectant, curious, and so Matsuda says, “He understands. I know he understands. If, if you said that to him, he’d get it, too. I mean, I mean…” Ide will kill him for saying this but if it’s that or death – “I mean he’s staying in the house right now, you could keep him doing that, he’s not going to go looking for the notebooks so if he doesn’t see other people much then, then it’s fine, right?” 

His voice sounds shrill and desperate even to his own ears, and Raito looks pityingly at him.

“I’m not going to kill him, Matsuda,” he says. “I can see he’s important to you, so he’s important to me as well. But I will have to discuss this with him, perhaps ask him to make some difficult choices. I can’t take the risk, do you understand?”

_I’m not going to kill him._

Matsuda is nodding and shaking so much he can hardly say, “Thank you, thank you, I understand, yes, but he’ll be sensible, he understands too, thank you…” and Raito smiles, amused, like Matsuda puzzles him but in a good way. Squeezes his hand. “It’s all right. Now, stop worrying about it and think about something else. Perhaps go and let Ide know that we’ve had this conversation. I’ll get on with some work here. If Mello calls, he can talk to me.”

Matsuda nods and scrambles to his feet. He wants to run, like a child – he’s not sure if he’s scared or ecstatic but it’s difficult to just walk down the corridor like a normal person. He bursts into the room without knocking and there’s a clatter as Ide scrambles backwards and knocks the bedside lamp onto the floor. He stares at Matsuda, breathing quickly, and then seems actually to see him. 

“Sorry,” he mutters. “You – made me jump. That’s all.”

He ducks down to pick up the lamp and Matsuda sees him take a deep, shuddering breath, grit his teeth, like you do when you’re angry with yourself, or upset. 

“I’m sorry, Ide, I forgot you –”

“I _said_ you just made me jump, all right?” Ide almost yells it. “Nothing to – it’s fine. What did you want? What… what’s Raito doing?”

Matsuda forces himself to speak quietly. “He’s working. Look, earlier… earlier Mello called.” Ide’s eyes widen, and Matsuda carries on, trying to sound calm, “I spoke to him. He was trying to… mess with my head, but it wasn’t… it wasn’t a big deal. But he did talk about how you were… pretty upset yesterday.”

Ide goes so white it’s like he’s bleeding to death there and then. Matsuda has hurried across to him, clutched his hands before he can think.

“It’s okay,” he says. “Listen, it’s all okay. I told Raito what you told me, about feeling weird about, you know, me and him being together. And I said that you didn’t like the killing just ‘cause it’s killing and you’re a good person and it’s hard for you to –” Ide’s fingers are digging into his hands and so he hastily finishes, “He said he understood and he wasn’t angry. He wasn’t going to kill you.”

“Oh.” Ide’s voice cracks a little, like he’s about to laugh. “Oh. _Good._ ”

“I’m serious. He said it to me, he said he knew how important you – you are to me. I mean, he said he was going to talk to you about it –” He feels Ide tense up again – “But just, just so he can understand. You’re all right. You’re safe. It’s all right.”

Ide doesn’t look like he even hears, but Matsuda knows he is listening. Before, when he was getting better after he changed sides, often Matsuda thought he wasn’t listening at all and then he’d come back to something later like it had been a perfectly normal conversation.

“Raito said I could stay with you now, if you wanted,” he says. “I mean, if you don’t…” He’s going to say _don’t prefer to be alone_ , but that’s stupid: these days Ide hates being alone in a room waiting. That’s probably why he’s so nervy as well. Matsuda wants to kick himself for forgetting. 

After a few moments, Ide swallows, and asks, “What did Mello say to you?” The words rattled out as if he had to nerve himself up to them.

Matsuda doesn't want to remember the conversation. He shrugs. “Stupid stuff. Doesn't matter.”

“Of course it damn well matters,” Ide snaps, and Matsuda jumps at the anger in his voice – “If he's up to something there's no way it won't come back to bite us – that's the way it's always been, let's face it – we'll get caught in the crossfire – we'll –” He has to stop to take a breath and Matsuda jumps on the chance to interrupt. This isn't good. Ide's almost as – as stressed out as he was before, when he was still being kept downstairs, when –

“He asked if you were still alive. He thought maybe I'd told Raito that you were upset, or that you'd still been mad and... and got yourself killed...” Ide tenses, Matsuda feels his hands trying to curl into fists, but he pretends he hasn't noticed. “He said you were... you were angry about... about what I'd done. That you... that you hated me.” His voice is getting louder. He hadn't realised how much he didn't want to say it out loud. “Even though you don't.” 

“No,” Ide says, and Matsuda wished he sounds more like he meant it. “I don't.” There's other stuff being said underneath but Matsuda's not going to try and work it out. He lets go of Ide's hands so he can shrug, run his hands through his hair like all of this is no big deal.

“He said that and he went on about how Raito hated me too. You know. Like he's so _evil_ and totally tricked me into – into taking the Eyes and I was an idiot. It was... it was all pretty obvious, really. Then he basically said he was going to kill me and hung up on me.”

Ide glances at him, then down at the floor.

“Right,” is all he says.

“It's... it doesn't matter. I mean he hates my guts because I... because I got some of his friends killed. That's... it's not like I care what he thinks of me.”

“You think he's going to target you? Or – or me?” 

“Doesn't matter if he tries to. It's not like he can do much, not now there's just him.” 

Matsuda thinks that's not a particularly dumb thing to say but Ide doesn't answer and this silence opens up between them like Matsuda's done something wrong. 

“I...” he says at last, and swallows, “Look, if you want me to leave you alone, I can do that. I mean you're probably tired out from all that's happened, and I know you didn't sleep so well. I can come back later if you want.”

“You’ve had a better offer?” Ide says, and it's just about one of the most spiteful things Matsuda's ever heard him say, and he just _says_ it like he doesn't _know_ how careful he has to be. Matsuda stares at him and he's this close to losing it and yelling and door-slamming: _you don't know how hard I just had to work to keep you safe – you don't know – I could have got you killed but I didn't and you could stop acting like I'm happy to let you die –_

Ide is already slumping, rubbing a hand across his face: “Forget it. That was stupid. I'm... you're right. I'm exhausted. No, I... I don't want you to leave. Just... forget I said anything. Just... please...” He's shaking again and Matsuda is thinking again of how ill he looks but also kind of grateful that at least he himself isn't the one falling to pieces.


	9. Drowned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If there’s one thing I think all of us learned yesterday, it’s that people will generally tell us what they think we want to hear, even if it’s not the truth."

Minute by minute by minute. 

Like being underwater. Real life is still happening but far above him, echoing down. 

Matsuda is with him. He put the TV on, some stupid sitcom. He’s explaining who everyone is and why this or that joke is funny. Ide is nodding and pretending to listen and that’s all far away, too. They’re still sitting on the bed. Half-lying on the bed. Matsuda warm, sprawled against him, feet and hands, and his voice with just an edge of nerves to it. Ide never sat like this, lay around like this, with someone, in his old life. Even years ago, in college, when you could afford to relax, even then it wasn’t _with_ someone. 

It feels lazy, and scruffy, and worse, _decadent_ , or _amoral_ , or something. Matsuda has literally killed hundreds of people with his bare hands. Dozens, hundreds more die every day. Ide has picked this time to start… _cuddling_ with him.

_Not going to think about it._

He pulls his mind away and underneath is the knowledge that Raito is going to _talk_ to him. About what he said. About what Mello said that he said. He remembers this and he doesn’t even need to try and pull away from it, _No, I can’t, I can’t, he’ll kill me, I’ll say the wrong thing and he’ll kill me –_

He is trying to keep the fear in check but Matsuda is looking at him now, pausing in what he was saying, squeezing his shoulder, and Ide manages to take a breath and the terror does nothing, it just sticks around, but he knows if he waits it will subside eventually. Matsuda’s here and that helps, Matsuda’s like a reminder that things are all right. Even though he shouldn’t be and they’re not. There’s an edge of frustration in Matsuda’s face, like Ide is being unreasonable. Ide would love to shout at him that it’s hardly _unreasonable_ to fear the threat of your own death, but he’s hardly helping himself by being barely able to keep things together…

If he turned his head just a little, he could kiss Matsuda, and it would fall into more and that might help. Like it helped before. But it would look like he’s… thanking Matsuda. Giving himself to him as payment for silence. And he feels sick to think of that and he’s deep enough underwater he can sense this on the horizon and decide to back away from it. Keep things as they are. 

The sitcom finishes and then it’s some dumb game show and then ad breaks and then they mention the news coming up and Matsuda’s flicked the TV off so fast Ide can’t quite process it. Matsuda shrugs, grins like this is just him being his typical easily-bored self. Says something. Ide doesn’t hear what. He’s stuck on another thought. This is all Matsuda’s fault. Mello spelt out the truth to Matsuda’s face and Matsuda didn’t hear it. Which is just as dangerous to think. It makes possible the idea of shouting at him how the hell he can be happy with any of this, whether the desperate hero-worship thing he’s got going on with a murderer who thinks he’s a fool and split his lip last night was worth any of what’s happened –

_It’s all right,_ Matsuda is saying to him. _It’s all right. Like you said, you’re exhausted. It’s all right._

They wait. At some point Matsuda goes downstairs and comes back up with food for them both and Ide pretends he’s going to eat it. His thoughts continue between the three points. Disgust at himself. Fury at Matsuda. Terror. In the spaces between that, he knows this is most likely deliberate. Raito wants him to take the time to think about what he’s done.

_He said to Matsuda that he wouldn’t kill me. He **said** \- _

Raito has said a lot to Matsuda. Very little of it is true.

The sky is darkening by the time they hear footsteps. The door opens. Matsuda’s scrambling to his feet, trying to tidy himself up. Ide stays sitting. There’s no point trying to convince Raito of his competency or professionalism.

Raito smiles at them both and you would believe he’s genuinely pleased to see them. 

“Matsuda,” he says. “I’ve been working on procuring security footage from around the areas Mello might be present in. I imagine it’s very unlikely we’ll have caught him unmasked on camera, but, on the other hand, he can’t walk around in public with his face covered, so… I think it’s worth you viewing the footage. See if his name shows up.”

Matsuda is nodding, stammering about how that’s a really good idea and he’ll get right on it and wouldn’t it be great if? Yes, he’s nervous too. Probably had time to think about it and realise how unlikely it is that Ide’s going to get away scot-free with voicing negativity towards Kira. 

“Good,” Raito says. “Everything’s set up in the main room; you know how to view the different segments, don’t you? I just want to have a talk with Ide.”

Matsuda swallows and forces a grin onto his face. He’s saying, _Right. No problem. See you guys in a bit._

Ide still feels like he’s underwater but he’s realising the water is actually fear and he is breathing it in. Matsuda has left and Raito goes to close the door behind him.

“Did Matsuda tell you what happened this morning?” he says, and there’s a cool edge to his voice.

_Yes._ Ide doesn’t think he actually manages to say it, but perhaps he nods, because Raito carries on, “Mello took precautions against being traced but we’ve got a rough fix on his location when he made the call. Hence my request to Matsuda. It’s not impossible that Mello has been caught on camera somewhere. That’s good news. But…”

It feels as if they are still both on the task force, as if the Chief has just died and they’re in Los Angeles. Ide can taste hotel rooms at the back of his throat, feel aggressive air-con and American sunlight. He’s trying to disconnect from the now. Bad sign. Bites the inside of his lip. 

“But,” Raito says again, watching him, impatient – “It’s also concerning. Mello took a risk in order to – what, taunt Matsuda?”

A pause, and Ide realises he’s being expected to speak. Prove that he’s still listening. “He… he didn’t know, before, that Matsuda killed Near –”

“No,” Raito says, and it’s impressive how he can make interrupting sound so smooth and correct. “He didn’t, but I don’t think he’s as upset about that as perhaps he wants us to think. If he had been, I suspect he’d have killed Matsuda when they were still face to face. I think that he believes he’s spotted a weakness in Kira’s rule.”

Ide can feel his mind trying to believe that they’re not going to discuss his own sins: Raito has decided he doesn’t care or that he’s too preoccupied with Mello and already his own thoughts are going _thank you, thank you_. Which is ridiculous. If he thinks he’s safe that will only make it worse when –

_But if it’s true, if there’s nothing to worry about –_

“Therefore,” Raito carries on, “I need to tie up loose ends and prepare for an attack. You'll appreciate that with the current threat, I can't afford to waste time on things that will clearly not succeed.”

_Waste_. Ide tries to swallow. It feels like something’s stuck in his throat. 

“You were given the job of getting Aizawa to see sense,” Raito says. “To be quite honest, I'm not seeing any signs that you're going to succeed in this task, and I’m not going to persist in… well, in a charade, when it’s serving no purpose.” He is watching Ide now as he says, quite calmly, “I will give Aizawa until six a.m. tomorrow to consider his situation and switch his loyalties to me. If he hasn't by that point, he will die.”

Silence. It feels like someone’s sucked all the air out of the room. Ide tries to breathe, tries to think, but he – he can’t – he can’t get his head round what Raito just said – 

“Do you understand me?” Raito says.

Of course Ide manages to choke out _Yes_.

“I’d recommend you tell him,” Raito says. “He might take the news better coming from you.” He steps closer, looking down on Ide, hands in pockets. “I think it’s only fair to warn you that he is going to have to work very hard to convince me of his loyalty, given his earlier behaviour. If there’s one thing I think all of us learned yesterday, it’s that people will generally tell us what they think we want to hear, even if it’s not the truth. Won’t they, Ide?”

There’s still the silence – there’s too much silence, his head is muffled with it – but through it Ide can hear what’s really being said. 

“No,” he’s saying, and his voice sounds worn out. “No. No, I… not like this. You… I can… something else…”

“That won’t be possible, I’m afraid.”

“But it’s not…” The words are falling to pieces. “It’s nothing to do with him, he… it was me, it… you don’t have to – to –”

Raito smiles. A mocking smile, the face that he usually tries to keep hidden.

“Are you saying that you’d offer yourself to die in his place?” he says. “Really? When you’ve put on such a show of acceptance of what Matsuda told you yesterday? When you weren’t willing to risk your life to work with the first L even if it meant stopping Kira? Don’t be stupid.”

He’s walking to the door as he continues, “And besides, I’m giving you the opportunity to _convince_ Aizawa. Perhaps he’ll come to the right decision, perhaps he’ll even be able to prove it to me.” Looks round. A warm smile. “And it’s only fair to give you the chance to try. I’ll enjoy watching you attempting to argue the point with him.

“Now come along, please.”

They are walking down the corridor. They are heading down the stairs and then too fast, too suddenly, they are in the basement, under low ceilings, passing locked doors, and Ide wants to kick himself for not trying to delay it _somehow_ – think of a way out of this – what the hell is he going to say to Aizawa that he hasn't said already? 

_It's change or die. Tell him it really is this time._ The knowledge sinking through him. _Maybe that'll be enough. Maybe that – if he sees that there's no way out –_

Except that Aizawa has stuck with the case since the beginning, after law enforcement officials started dying, after L basically manipulated him out of the task force, even after all _this_ , so he must have already come to the conclusion that there’s no way out – he must have made his choice long ago –

The door is being unlocked. Ide has barely taken a step inside the cell before it slams shut again behind him. Aizawa is slumped on the bed, arm over his eyes, but he struggles to sit up as he hears the door close. He struggles to sit up and he's already scrambling to keep his back to the wall, even as he sees who it is and rolls his eyes. “Come – come to try the inspiring speech again?”

They stare at each other and Aizawa frowns: “You look like hell –” and Ide shudders and it chokes the words out of him: “He said he's wasting time with you. He's going to kill you tomorrow morning if you don't stop holding out on him.”

Aizawa keeps looking at him and for a horrible moment Ide thinks the man didn't understand, that he'll have to say it again and again. But Aizawa breathes out and he doesn’t move but Ide can see him working out what this means. 

“Right,” he mutters. “Right. Okay. Took... took him long enough.” 

“He let me talk to you. It's not a done deal. Listen, all you have to do is say it – just – just tell me now that you accept him and –”

“No.”

Aizawa has gone dead white and he swallows as he speaks but his voice is almost steady.

“Tell him I told you no. See, now he doesn't have to wait til tomorrow.”

Ide is waiting for the words to resolve into something else but they don't and then he's halfway across the cell and he's practically shouting, “Don't be so stupid – didn't you hear me? This isn't an empty threat, he means it –”

“Of course he _means_ it,” Aizawa says over him, “he's killed how many now? To be honest, I'm surprised I made it this long.” Swallows again. “What happened? Matsuda decided he can live without me? You should – you should watch your back...”

Ide begins, “Matsuda...” and _god_ , the number of times he sat here arguing with Aizawa, refusing to believe that Matsuda could ever have turned to Kira of his own accord –

He can’t talk about Matsuda. He manages to wrench out, instead, “It's Mello. Mello's getting active. Raito wants to... wants to cut off loose ends.” A line drawn through a mistake. Names on a page. That's all it is and it's so _normal_ , so _simple_ , and he's standing there talking about it like it's fine –

“You... you'd really better watch your back, then.” Aizawa glances away. “Look, this... I hope you're not expecting a touching goodbye, you know me better than –”

“Why aren't you listening to me?” Ide wants to shake him. “This isn't – you can take the hint, no one's asking you to explain your reasoning – just _say_ it and then – then we –” _You don’t understand_ , he’s trying not to say, _it’s my fault, it’s all my fault, he’s not scared of Mello, he just wants to teach me a lesson –_

“Then what? Try and pretend I actually meant it? I'm sure he'll buy that for about five seconds.”

Ide's shaking his head but he knows already that Aizawa's right. Even if the man does say it, Raito will make him do something to prove it. _Write my name down, maybe. Punish the one who’s really screwed up._ But – but they could – they could think of – somehow they could –

“It's over,” Aizawa says, a little more gently. “You know it's over. I don't get why you didn't work it out before. If you could tell Eriko that I'm – that I didn't make it, I'd... that'd be appreciated. So she doesn't... have to keep wondering if... if... And – seriously, watch your back. You're a liability to him, you know that.”

Ide stares at him and blinding fury surges up in his chest that Aizawa can be so reasonable about this. It isn’t like he wanted a huge argument but – if Aizawa’s just accepting it, if he’s just letting it happen, then there’s no way that it’s not _going_ to happen.

“Ide,” Aizawa says. “It’s what he does. You picked his side. I’m… I’m sorry, okay?”

Ide grits his teeth and, attempting to keep his voice below a yell, chokes out, “Why are you being so fucking _calm_ about this?”

“What, you’d rather I – I spent… spent the last night punching the walls?” Aizawa scowls at him. “You _want_ me to lose it? Because I’m – I’m not – there’s no point in thinking about… like I said. It’s over. You need to get that.”

Silence, but Ide can’t hear it because his heartbeat’s still roaring, damp blood sounds. Not. This isn’t. This isn’t happening. Must be _something_ –

“What’s wrong with you?” Aizawa says, lowering his voice a bit. “This can’t be a big surprise to you. Why are you looking so cut up about it? What’s going on up there?”

Ide has to turn away, scowl at the wall and try to empty his mind of any feelings before he can reply, “Exactly what you thought was going on.” He wants to sound angry but he sounds… hollowed out. As if he can’t breathe properly.

Aizawa starts to say, “You… you mean that –” and Ide is thinking _don’t make me spell it out, I can’t_ and _I’m sorry_ , he should say, _I’m sorry, you were right, and you told me about it days ago but I wouldn’t listen and now I’ve got you killed –_

And the door is being unlocked. 

Out of time. Something –

But all he can say is, “Please – please just…” and Aizawa is already shaking his head even as Raito, from the door, says, “I don’t think there’s much point in continuing this conversation, is there?”

Ide turns to stare at him and he knows he doesn’t even need to say anything, his desperation is written across his face. Raito gives him a pitying look, then, raising his voice a little, says to Aizawa, “You have until six a.m. tomorrow, Aizawa. If you decide there’s something that you’d like to say, you can just call out. You’ll be monitored.”

Aizawa has gone pale but he snaps back, voice barely shaking, “Don’t waste your time. I’ve got nothing more to say to you.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Raito says, but he doesn’t sound sorry. He sounds like he’s laughing at them. And why the hell wouldn’t he? He’s won and they’re dead men walking, like Mello said, they don’t have the sense just to give up –

“Ide,” Raito says. “Come on. You don’t want to stay in here, do you?”

That gets him moving, of course – practically fleeing to make sure he’s on the right side of the door as it’s closed – Aizawa will despise him but he doesn’t care –

“You don’t look well,” Raito is saying as they walk back to the stairs. “Go to your room and rest.”

The last thing Ide wants to do is _rest_. Of course he isn’t going to say _No_ , but he does dare to begin, “Can Matsuda –”

“Not this time,” Raito says, smoothly. “He’s busy, remember? And you need to learn to manage without him. I’ve already told him that I’m concerned by the level of emotional investment the two of you seem to have in each other.”

Which means that Matsuda will be kept somewhere else, will be told to stay away from Ide, and that in itself is a nightmare but Ide isn't even surprised by it by now.

“I hope you're not thinking of trying to circumnavigate any of this,” Raito says, and the warning in his voice is so slight most people probably wouldn't even hear it. “I don't want to have to place restrictions on you. Freedom to go where you want in the house is a privilege, you know.”

Ide is shaking his head and stammering words that don't even make sense. It’s not until he’s back above ground, in his room, fighting the urge to check again and again the door's not been locked behind him, that he comes up with what he wished he’d thought, or wanted to say: _Of course you're concerned – you don’t have any emotional investment in anyone –_

There’s that thought. A bit later there’s the realisation that he’s lost the chance to apologise to Aizawa. Between those, there’s the sound of his own breathing. He follows it as though it’s a rope in the dark and he’ll fall otherwise.


	10. Sacrifice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryuk isn’t threatening or creepy (well, not that creepy) but it’s a weird little reminder that someone knows every move Raito makes, someone probably knows Raito as well as he knows himself by now. Has watched him fall in love with Matsuda too, all this time.

Matsuda’s eyes feel like they’re covered in sand, and when he closes them, faces and numbers float behind them in red. He blinks a few times and then he’s yawning like he’s never going to stop as he realises how tired he is. 

They’re still sending over camera footage but he figures he’ll take a break. Just a little break. He’s practically forgetting how to read at the moment.

When he comes back, cup of coffee in hand, the main room is still empty. The house is very quiet – he didn’t notice until now. Makes sense, because most of the regular staff have gone home, there's just a few guys still on duty. But Matsuda's pretty much always with someone else in the evenings, he hadn't taken in how silent the place is when you're on your own.

He sinks down into the chair and blows on the coffee and when he looks up again, Ryuk is standing just beyond the desk. Matsuda’s got used to him by now but he still nearly spills the coffee all over his lap.

“You could have an apple as well,” Ryuk says, his grin widening.

“You mean _you_ could have an apple. And no way, I’m not going to go hunting through the kitchen now. There’s too much to do.”

“C'mon, it's not like you're going to get loads done now,” Ryuk says. “You’ll get sleepy. Humans always do.”

On more than one occasion, Matsuda has woken up in Raito’s bed to find Ryuk in the room watching them both. It’s not like he minds – Ryuk isn’t threatening or creepy (well, not that creepy) but it’s a weird little reminder that someone knows every move Raito makes, someone probably knows Raito as well as he knows himself by now. Has watched him fall in love with Matsuda too, all this time.

“That’s why I got the coffee,” he says. “Where’s Raito? He hasn’t gone to sleep, has he?”

Ryuk pulled a face at the mention of coffee. Now he starts looking distractedly round the room as if some apples might have appeared while they’ve been talking. “Gone to see Takada. Said he wants her to talk about Mello on TV.”

“Right.” The information tastes sour. Matsuda’s not jealous of Takada, just like he wasn’t jealous of Misa. Just that... Takada’s smart and good-looking and a girl and Raito’s age, and Matsuda sometimes can’t help imagining the two of them talking about him and laughing. Even though Raito would never be mean like that. It’s just he’s kind of used to the clever, popular people talking about him and laughing. “She hasn’t seen him in a while. She probably misses him.”

Ryuk shrugs. Matsuda knows he should be getting back to the camera footage but the tiredness is still sunk into his bones and it isn’t like anyone else will see him goofing off a little longer. “I guess he was done talking to Ide, then.”

Ryuk shrugs again but he doesn’t say anything and the last sentence hangs in the air. Matsuda wishes he hadn't said it; he'd been trying to avoid thinking about Raito talking to Ide. Of course it would have been fine, but… Ide was stressed enough already and Matsuda would really kind of like it if they could all just forget most of what's happened in the last forty-eight hours. And Ide's been so twitchy. He might've said the wrong thing. He... yeah, he might have... now Matsuda's thought it he can't get it out of his mind. Ide's said the wrong thing and triggered another set of... of lies and hidden meanings and Matsuda will have to try and fix it all...

This really isn't helping with the tiredness. Plus he can't sit down and stare at more footage with this – okay, this _panic_ going round in his head. Ide – if Ide's asleep then it'll mean everything's fine because Ide doesn't tend to sleep much if he's scared, and if he's awake then they can talk and Matsuda can just check everything's all right.

Which it will be.

The house really is quiet. His footsteps sound too loud, as if he's not meant to be here, as if he's the noise someone else is frightened of. The corridor to Ide's room is dark, only lit by the glow of the hallway at the end. Matsuda reaches the right door and finds himself just standing there, unable to make himself raise a hand and knock, because – because what if it's not all right – what if it – 

His face is hot and he's scared enough he feels like he might cry, which is pathetic and weird, and if anyone comes down the corridor and sees him standing here like he's lost they'll think he's going nuts. He bites down on his lip and hammers on the door too hard because his hand is shaking. “Ide? It's me.” He wants to carry on talking, he doesn't want to wait in the silence...

There's silence anyway for a few seconds before he hears movement on the other side of the door, and wrenches it open before he can start freaking himself out even more.

Ide stares at him. He looks – he looks pale and numb and he definitely doesn't look like everything is _all right_ – 

Matsuda swallows and he can't make himself say _what's happened_ but Ide says, slowly, like someone's put him back under sedation, “Why... why are you... he said you weren't supposed to be here...”

“I – yeah, I guess, I mean, I'm in the middle of checking that footage, but I couldn't... and he's out at the moment so I wanted to see how you were...”

“I'm.” Ide says the one word and then seems to forget what should come next, and Matsuda's really scared now, he grabs him by the arm and whispers, “Ide, what happened?”

“He. He... it was about what... it was about what I said...”

Ide is shaking and Matsuda thinks _he'd hate being seen like this, if someone else comes along, he'd hate people thinking he can't cope –_

“You should sit down,” he says, “I can come in and we can talk… you should...”

They're back in the bedroom, in the dark. Ide has slumped onto the end of the bed, head in his hands. Matsuda can't think where to sit. Or stand. He's saying again, “What's happened?” and Ide swallows and starts to speak but he only says, “I’ve…” and then his voice trails off.

Matsuda can feel dread creeping down his back but he bites his lip and waits and eventually Ide swallows again, pinches the bridge of his nose, and says, voice numb, “I’ve got Aizawa killed. That’s what’s happened.”

“You... Aizawa's _dead_?” _He can't be_ , Matsuda nearly says. Aizawa hasn’t done anything he wasn’t already doing. 

“Not... not yet.” Ide shivers. “He has to... he has to switch sides by six o'clock. Tomorrow morning. Or... or today, I guess.”

So there’s hope after all. “Well, that’s all right, then, if he just has to –”

“He won’t,” Ide says. “He said he won’t. Said he’s got nothing more to say…”

“So he knows? He knows he's supposed to...”

“I had to… I had to tell him.” Ide addresses his words to the floor. “He wouldn’t listen. I didn’t know how to – to get it through to him and… and I…” Another breath, this one husky. “I couldn’t even tell him it was – it was because of me –”

“Because of…” Matsuda echoes it because it doesn’t make any sense.

Except that it does...

“Because of what I said,” Ide says. “Because of how badly I reacted to your… your confessions. Because it wasn’t what I was supposed to have said and we both knew it and he wanted to make me sorry. I let Aizawa think it was because of Mello, because Raito’s got paranoid… I should’ve told him he was right... this would've have happened if I'd listened to him but I didn't and… and now I…”

He forces another breath.

“You… you should go,” he says at last. “He said he… he wanted us to stop… to stop depending on each other. You…” 

Matsuda can’t stand up. He slumps down onto the bed and he’s saying on autopilot _It’s all right. He's not here right now, I'll stay, it's all right_ and Ide doesn’t argue, he doesn’t even answer, he just slumps against Matsuda but he’s still shaking. Or Matsuda is. 

Ide was barely holding it together anyway. If – if Aizawa is actually killed, if Ide’s right, then there’s no way he’ll –

_What am I… what am I meant to do now…_

He doesn’t know. He. He picked a side. He picked Kira’s side and that’s _fine_ , he gets that, he knows that Kira’s good and righteous and everything, but Raito promised not to… he promised not to… 

Aizawa doesn’t need to die, he’s not doing anything, he _can’t_ , Raito can’t just kill him like it’s, like it’s tidying up leftover paperwork… 

_Aizawa could’ve played along_. Anger behind his eyes. _It’s not like he didn’t know what the risk was. He could’ve said what Raito wants him to. If he wants to die, that’s – that’s not my fault –_

But that's stupid, Aizawa doesn't do _playing along_ and Raito would know that, Raito's asking him to do something he knows won't happen and... it's not like Matsuda _likes_ Aizawa much but that doesn’t mean he wants him dead. Not for no reason. With – with Near and the SPK it was different, they were on the trail, _it was them or us_ , but you can’t just kill someone to – to prove a point –

_And Ide wasn’t even really against Kira… he was just… he was just shocked, because it was me, because we’d worked together, because he’d thought I’d had all the same stuff as him happening…_

Matsuda shouldn’t have told Raito the rest of that stuff about Ide. He should’ve… he should’ve just hung up on Mello, he shouldn’t have tried to be clever. Or he should have tried harder and told Raito the truth in a way that didn’t make it sound bad. He just blurted a bunch of stuff out because Raito kissed him. If Ide finds that out, he’ll start hating Matsuda all over again. 

Ide’s breath is shaking. Matsuda puts his arms round him, rests his head against Ide’s, and they sit like that for a while. Ide doesn’t say anything or shove him away but he doesn’t move to kiss or touch him either. Still. He doesn’t push him away. That’s good, right? That means Matsuda’s helping, somehow, sort of. Ide’s not – if he were going to be angry, he’d have lost it with Matsuda as soon as they came face to face…

At last, Ide shifts, and pulls himself free. 

“You said he’s out right now,” he says, his voice flat.

“Ye – yeah. Visiting Takada. He’ll probably be back soon, though, if he – if he said –” 

Ide nods. He’s leaning forward, resting his arms on his knees, staring ahead. 

“Okay,” he says at last. “So… so when he… when he gets here, I’ll go to him and… and I’ll say… I’ll…”

Matsuda wants to clutch him by the arm, cut him off.

“It’s because of me he’s doing this,” Ide carries on. “Aizawa wasn’t a problem to him before. If I say he might as well kill me, then maybe… maybe he’ll…”

He sounds far away still, as if he hasn’t woken up. Matsuda waits for him to take it back, or for the words to start meaning something else, but it sits there between them and –

“Don’t be stupid,” he hears himself say.

“Excuse me?” 

Matsuda can hear that a line’s been crossed, somehow, somewhere, but he can’t think of anything to do but carry on talking even if it's all nonsense: “Raito wouldn’t, he wouldn’t kill someone else just because of you, that’s pointless, so… so he’d just think you were – you were confessing to something, or, or you wanted to die, and… and it’s ridiculous to throw away your own life just because… just because…”

“Just because what?” Ide sounds a little more like his usual self but that’s no comfort because Matsuda knows they’re about to start saying a bunch of things they probably shouldn’t talk about. “Because I give a damn about my friend dying as punishment for something I did? Because this is never going to stop and it’s only a matter of time before I say something else Kira doesn’t approve of and I’m already a goddamn basket case as it is? What exactly about me is worth preserving?”

Matsuda feels like he’s being shaken as the words rattle out: “It’s not like that. You’ll be fine if you’re –”

“Sensible?” Ide says with scorn.

“Well – yeah –”

“No,” Ide says. “No, I don’t think I will. I think Raito’s just waiting for an excuse to write my name down. I think Mello’s right and I’m a security risk. I think the only reason I’m still alive is you asked him not to kill me, and, you know what, I think he’ll be able to talk you round sooner or later –”

There’s an edge of disgust in his voice. Like Matsuda’s – like Matsuda doesn’t even make any of his own decisions, like Matsuda is just some – some lovesick idiot doing whatever Raito tells him –

“I won’t let him.”

“Like you weren’t going to let him kill Aizawa.”

“I won’t…” Matsuda says again, and suddenly he can see exactly where this is going, the path spilling out ahead of him, and he is so frightened he can hardly breathe. “I won’t – let him – I’ll go to him and – and make sure he doesn’t –”

Ide snorts and Matsuda is so furious it’s like cold water poured over him.

“I will,” he says, just managing to keep his voice below a yell. “I will. You come with me. You’ll see.”

“I doubt that,” Ide says, warily like he didn’t expect this either. “He’ll do what he wants, like he always has. He doesn’t give a damn about your thoughts on the matter, you're as powerless as I am here –”

Matsuda hears himself say through gritted teeth, “Just shut up. Just shut up and let me sort this out.”

There’s the sound of a car pulling up in the drive. 

Ide is dead white and he swallows and starts to say, “Don’t – don’t be stupid –”

“Come on,” Matsuda says, even as his thoughts scream at him to back down. “Let’s go find him.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Ide says again, “I’m supposed to stay here, you’re not meant to be talking to me, you can’t just –”

“ _You_ can’t just go up to him and say he should kill you. So come on.”

They’re in the corridor. Matsuda can barely feel his feet on the floor. His ears are ringing. _Stop it_ he's trying to tell himself. _No need to be scared. Raito won't hurt me. He won't do anything to me. He loves me, we're on the same side, he said I'm his and... and all that stuff._ And this isn’t fair, Raito must know that… Matsuda can explain and... Raito's just stressed about Mello and he doesn't need to be... they can fix this...

“You can’t seriously think this will work,” Ide says when they’re near the main office. He’s muttering, talking like he feels sick. “You… it’s pointless you trying. Just let me… let me say my piece and…”

Matsuda wants to shake him or shove him off his feet or something, does he not get once he says anything like that to Raito then that will be it? “ _No._ You don’t need to say anything to him, all right? Just – just go and wait in that room with the books. I’ll come and find you when everything’s okay.” 

He sounds like someone who actually has a plan. Maybe Ide buys into it, or maybe Ide is just used by this time to going where he’s told, because he stumbles back, and down the corridor, glancing round at Matsuda every so often.

And then Matsuda’s on his own, standing in front of the main office door. There’s a thin line of light at the bottom. He's going to knock and then he wonders what he'll do if Raito tells him to go away so he's just wrenching the door open like this is his house too. It clatters back against the wall. 

Raito, at the desk, stops typing and scowls at him. “Matsuda, I'm a little busy right now –”

Already Matsuda wants to run and so he just blurts out, louder than he needs to, “Ide said you're going to kill Aizawa.”

Raito blinks.

“Yes,” he says. “Unless he comes round to Kira in the next few hours, although to be honest I doubt I'd believe him if he did –”

Matsuda had all sorts of arguments in his head but they are rushing away and so he just interrupts, “You can’t,” like he’s not even listening.

Raito's eyes narrow and he says, an edge of annoyance in his voice, “I don't recall asking for your opinion, Matsuda. I assume Ide put you up to this, which is disappointing as I had already explained my reasoning to him –”

The air's getting too thin. Matsuda tries to take a breath anyway, to explain, “No, he – he hasn't done anything, it's not his fault, he just told me and –”

“And you thought you’d come and give me your badly-thought-out opinions on the matter.”

He glances back at the computer screen like that’s it, like that’s really all they’re going to say. Matsuda knows he is being stupid and pathetic and he should just go, but he promised. He promised. 

“I… I mean it,” he says. “You can’t do it. I’m not… it’s not going to… to happen.”

Raito looks up at him and Matsuda actually does find himself taking a couple of steps back.

“Do you know what?” Raito says at last, and his voice is quiet and cold but Matsuda knows exactly how furious he is. “I am getting quite tired of you constantly telling me that Ide and Aizawa have done nothing wrong, that I should be granting them special privileges for no other reason than... well, to be honest, Matsuda, I don't know what your reason _is_. This is not open for discussion. I'm attempting to limit the damage you've already caused by taking the necessary steps and that's the end of it. Now, can you please let me get on?”

Each breath is an effort now. Matsuda can taste nausea at the back of his throat. What he's supposed to do now is apologise and then walk away. He's an idiot but he doesn't just... do things that no sane person would do. This is going to ruin everything and he's persisting in doing it.

“Ide – Ide thinks it’s to punish him. For saying the wrong stuff when… when he found out about me.”

Wearily, Raito pushes the keyboard aside and gets to his feet. “As I told him, it’s because I can’t afford to keep taking unnecessary risks when Mello is active. We lost a significant amount of information to Mello because Ide is still alive. I don’t want that to happen twice. Yes, Ide also needs to learn that when you are caught in a lie, there are consequences. This will be an excellent lesson for him. Is this simple enough, Matsuda, or do you need me to explain it again?”

Matsuda hadn't realised how much he was hoping there'd be a mistake in what Ide had told him. Some obvious solution. There's actually still a bit of hope floating around in his thoughts, _maybe, maybe_ , like he hasn't caught up with what he's hearing. There isn't any _maybe_. Matsuda's promise to Ide to fix things is kind of like he's promised to solve some age-old really complicated maths theorem. He hasn't a hope in hell.

“I understand,” he hears himself say and Raito nods, already turning to sit down: “Then please stop disturbing me.” Like there’s nothing more to say. It feels like there’s nothing more to say. Raito has said it will happen, so it will. Raito is talking about it like there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. And Ide will be furious and he’ll probably get himself killed too and – 

If he keeps talking – if he just keeps talking –

“But it’s not fair.” He's shaking so much he can hardly speak. “Aizawa isn’t causing any problems, he doesn’t need to…” No, Raito will shoot that down by mentioning Mello. “They just… they just picked the wrong side – they’re not bad people –”

Raito turns back towards him.

“They just wanted to see us both executed,” he says, coming towards Matsuda, voice as slow and calm as his footsteps. “They just wanted to pretend Kira isn’t saving the world because they can’t face admitting they were wrong. Aizawa has stated – very clearly – that he’ll die rather than change his thinking. Ide has lied to both of us in order to save his own skin and he’ll keep doing it. Not to mention the knowledge that they have could get us both killed.”

The thing about arguing with Raito is that everything he says sounds correct, everything joins up in logical order, and even if you _had_ any counter-arguments they start sounding stupid. Certainly there’s no point in trying to convince Raito that any of what he’s said isn’t true. 

“I… I know,” he manages to say. “I know all that but… but I don’t… I don’t want you to. Please. You can’t just… you can’t just kill people because it… it makes stuff easier…”

Raito smiles, sympathetically. He’s right next to Matsuda, now, and gently strokes his face.

“Matsuda,” he says. “You don’t know what you want.” His fingers are soft and warm and Matsuda is hot suddenly, as if none of this matters, as if the only important thing is Raito’s skin, Raito’s mouth.

“You’re confused,” Raito is saying, hand caressing the back of Matsuda’s neck, pulling him closer. “It’s been a stressful couple of days and you’re tired and so you’re being irrational. Stop thinking about this. Just trust me. Trust that I know what I’m doing.”

“I…” Their mouths are very close. “I do trust you, I just…”

“Then why are you behaving as though you don’t?”

 _Because…_ But there isn’t an answer and Raito is so calm, the earlier frustration already vanished, and Matsuda can feel the warmth from him as he continues, “I’ll tell you what you’re going to do. You’re going to go to bed, and rest, and when you wake up this will all make much more sense. In the meantime, I’ll talk to Ide and Aizawa. You don’t have to see either of them any more. They’re only upsetting you.”

Matsuda feels tears sting his eyes because that sounds like heaven. Everything is all right. He doesn’t need to worry. He can stop trying to be perfect and just go and sleep and sleep forever. Raito can always offer him things he didn't even know until that moment that he wanted. _And you're going to keep on arguing about this and ruin everything..._ He could... he could stop. He could... Ide would understand eventually, Ide isn't exactly _surprised_ about this, and he wants to live, they all know it... he wouldn't actually go and offer himself up as a sacrifice, you can talk and talk about being willing to die but it doesn't mean you are...

_He sounded pretty sure of it._

_And even if he doesn’t go through with that, he's still not going to forgive me for this._

The way Ide's been looking at him like Matsuda's turned into someone else. How there’s all this stuff he’s not saying, just on the edge of Matsuda’s hearing. _Raito even said it, Aizawa was always the person he actually wanted to work with. Ide will figure it was basically I let Aizawa die._ And it's not _fair_ , none of it is fair, Raito could fix all of this if he wanted...

He takes a step back and his voice comes out shaky and loud: “I’m not going to let you kill them.”

Raito tenses.

“I don’t recall you _letting_ , or not letting, me do anything,” he says, and now his voice is cold. “You’re not my superior, Matsuda.”

“I know, but… but it doesn’t mean I can’t… it doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to just – do whatever you want.” He’s so terrified he feels like he’s going to faint. This is such a stupid, risky thing to be doing that it's like a dream. “And so I don't... want you to kill Aizawa. Or Ide. I want... I want them to be alive. Like we agreed. They don’t… they don’t deserve to die.”

“I'm not interested in what you _want_ ,” Raito says. “I'm interested in what's best for the new world. I thought that you were, as well.”

“I'm... I am. I am, but...” _Back down_ , everything is screaming, but he _can't_ , there is nothing to do but – but go through this –

“I'm... I'm Kira, too,” he says, but his voice is shaking like crazy. “I'm... on your side but that doesn't mean... that doesn't mean you get to make all the – the decisions. You mostly get to – to have everything your way, well, I – I want this. Okay?” _Please_ , he wants to say, _please let it stop –_

Raito's hands curl into fists. 

“I don't believe this,” he says. “You're standing here telling me that you've contributed equally to the new world? You're equivalent to Kira?” Disgust in his voice. “You're telling me I have _everything my way_ as if this was all _fun_ for me? You've decided that writing down a few names makes you in _any way_ able to decide who gets to live and who doesn't?”

“I didn't – I didn't say that –” _I take it back, I didn't mean it, I'm sorry –_ “Please. Please just... listen to me. I... I need this. I need them not to die and –”

“And _I_ need as few avenues of attack as possible for Mello to use. This is _vital_ , Matsuda. Creating the new world requires sacrifices, in case you'd forgotten. I see you feel that doesn't apply to you –”

“That's not what I said –”

“Yes, it's exactly what you said –”

“No, it's not, stop _doing this_!” His voice is rising. He sounds so dumb. “Stop taking everything and making it bad, stop talking like I'm –”

“Like you're letting your own selfishness blind you to what has to be done? Like you feel you're _owed_ something?” Raito has gone pale; he snaps off each word, and Matsuda wants to back away but he knows if he starts he'll just flee – “Like you think your needs are more important than the fate of the world?” 

They stand face to face and Raito carries on, “How many names have you written down by now?”

Everything waits and of course Matsuda doesn't have an answer, he's not had an answer for weeks. Raito shakes his head. “You were happy to see every one of those people die for the sake of the new world. Every single one. And have any of those deaths led to anything but good? Can you even remember most of them? I doubt it. And throughout the world everyone is happy and safe and you're really telling me that one or two more names are so important to you that you'll risk all of that? ”

 _Two_. 

“No,” he’s saying, or maybe only thinking, and Raito is continuing, “You don't seem to realise the stakes we're playing for, you don't seem to realise that it isn't about individuals – I can't believe you're being so blind – I should never have let them live –”

His thoughts aren't making sense any more, it's like someone else is talking nonsense in his head. _He can't mean it. He doesn't understand. He wouldn't just. I was trying to **help** and –_

“Anyone who poses a problem for the new world needs to have their name written down.” Raito sounds calmer again now. “We can't afford to let our own likes and dislikes come into it. I thought you understood but you clearly didn't make the connection. That's all right. This incident will solve that –”

“No,” Matsuda is saying, over and over, “No, no,” he can't let this happen, he _can't let this happen_ , he promised Ide he'd make it all right, he promised him he'd be safe – “Please, _please_ Raito, I know you're right and I know it's best but _please_ , not like this, I said I'd sort it out, please don't, please...”

“Matsuda, that's enough,” Raito snaps. “Stop shouting and listen to me. I’m not doing this because I want to see you miserable, or to prove a point. I’m doing it because it’s the right thing to do, for the world and for Kira’s rule.”

His eyes narrow, but his voice is still perfectly steady as he says:

“So I suggest that you think about where your loyalties lie. If you’re going to become a threat to Kira, then I’ll have to deal with that accordingly. You’re extremely close to crossing that line.”

And everything is silent. 

Like the world’s exploded but every piece of glass and speck of dust is just hanging in the air. 

“You...” Matsuda swallows, tries to get some air into his lungs, tries to say something like _you wouldn't_. Like Raito is a bad guy. Someone to be scared of.

Raito is turning away to the safe on the wall where he keeps his notebook.

“Please.”

_Please make this not be happening._

He doesn’t know what to do. If he keeps this going then Raito will – only Raito won’t, not really, but Matsuda has clearly made him angry enough to make such a threat – so if Matsuda doesn’t shut up then Raito will hate him forever and – _where am I meant to go if –_

Beep as Raito types in each digit of the codes. As if Matsuda's not in the room. 

“Matsuda,” he says at last. “I have told you that the answer is no. Clearly you need this emphasised.” The safe door swings open. Raito turns round, notebook in his hands. “I'm going to write down their names now and you are going to get control of yourself. If you don't, I'm going to take that as a challenge to Kira's rule. I hope you understand what I'm saying.”

He's placing the notebook on the desk. Opening it to a blank page. Matsuda is watching and everything is still so quiet and he can't move, he can't speak, it's like he's been turned to stone. _I hope you understand._ This is the worst anything could be and he doesn’t know how to fix it except by staying silent, and –

Raito is reaching for a pen.

If he stays silent then Raito will kill Ide and Aizawa right in front of him –

Raito is about to put pen to paper. Matsuda’s dived forward and grabbed at his arm before he can think. Raito wrenches himself free and lashes out, catching Matsuda in the face. He stumbles and grabs at the desk to keep his balance and then they're staring at each other across it. Raito's eyes are narrowed, his breathing faster now. He hadn't expected that either. He'd thought Matsuda was just going to stand there. 

_And so he'll –_

_He'll –_

“All right,” he's saying now. Still so calm. “If that’s the way you want it, Matsuda.”

He’s starting to write something and Matsuda is yelling “ _Stop,_ ” and suddenly his gun is in his hands, he's shaking so much he can see the barrel trace out a figure eight in front of Raito’s eyes.

The pen goes still.

“Matsuda,” Raito says at last. “What the _hell_ do you think you're doing?”

Matsuda has no idea any more. Just that as soon as he stops doing _something_ , the entire situation will fall apart – he has to hold things together – 

“You're not...” His voice sounds far away, unsteady. “You're not going to kill them.”

“Are you seriously telling me that you're going to kill _me_ if I don't listen to you?” Raito says. He sounds like he doesn't know quite _how_ to sound. As if he wants to laugh even though he knows it's stupid. Matsuda thought he was the only person who felt like that in awkward situations. He'd like to keep thinking about that, remember some embarrassing moments, chatter about how they're the same, anything to avoid actually answering the question...

“You... you were going to write my name down,” he says. Like that's the most important thing. It's not, but it's something that makes sense... it's a reason that would let you back down...

“And holding me at gunpoint is meant to reassure me that you're still on my side?” 

“I don't... I don't want to... I don't want to...” His voice is wavering. Oh, god, he’s destroyed everything –

“Then put down the gun,” Raito says. “Matsuda, this is all completely unnecessary. You’re the one making a scene about nothing. You’re the one who’s threatened Kira. You’re the one who started this conversation to begin with. You can still make things right. If you want to.” 

“You were going to _write my name down_.” Saying it again is making the shock hit, a wave of dizziness washing over him. He can't make it make sense. He can barely feel the floor under his feet. 

“I said twice that I would do that if you didn’t stop defying me.”

“I… I know, but…” He can’t think, he can’t hear past his own panicked breathing. Raito warned him and – he warned himself, he knew something awful was going to happen if he kept pushing this but – 

In his head he’s hearing Mello say over and over, _Kira’s going to kill you_ , jeering, like he saw this coming the whole time. It still sounds crazy even now. Kira doesn’t kill the people on his side. Raito could’ve killed Matsuda straight off when he found out, but he didn’t, because –

“I told you,” Raito continues. “The new world is what's important to us. You're threatening to destroy all that and I will not let it happen. Being a hero requires sacrifices. I thought you knew that.”

Matsuda swallows and manages to choke out, “So you'd, so you'd sacrifice me.” He wants to sound as cool and calm as Raito does, or at the very least angry, but he just sounds like he's about to cry. He thinks he _is_ about to cry. “That's... that's what you're saying. If you had to, you'd kill me to... to protect Kira.”

“Matsuda...” Raito is leaning forward now, voice soft and warm. “You're not thinking straight. I love you. You know that. But I care about the whole world. Of course I don't want to see you dead. I'd be devastated to lose you. But... you can't ask me to choose you – or anyone else – over the rest of humanity.”

Like it makes so much _sense._

“No,” he’s yelling. “No. No, that’s not how it works, it – if you love someone you – you want them to be alive – you can’t do this to me, you can’t, you promised –” He’s making everything worse, he knows it, but how _dare_ Raito expect him to be, to be _happy_ about his own death? “You said, all that stuff, all those things about how you were glad I was here and – all those things about how you’d never hurt me and –” Mello again, laughing, _if you love someone, you want to keep them not dead – if you love someone – if you –_

Raito is supposed to be shouting too, by this point. He’s supposed to be yelling _I meant every word_ or _How could you think that about me?_ or _Don’t make me do this_ or – something that’s at least kind of like what Matsuda’s going on about. Instead he’s as calm as he always is, like that it’s just _fine_ that they’re basically holding each other at gunpoint, like he prefers it this way, like he’s – _like he’s got bored of pretending_ –

_Dead man walking –_

In his head, in his thoughts, there’s just –

“Put down the gun,” Raito says, and there’s genuine warmth in his voice, like he knows Matsuda will listen to him, like he knows he’s got nothing to be frightened of. “It’s all right, Matsuda, I promise. It’s all right.”

Matsuda imagines letting his arms drop, his fingers uncurl. He would lie the gun on the table and then he’d probably collapse to his knees – he’s pretty sure it’s only adrenaline and fury keeping him upright – and Raito would walk round and stroke his hair and hold him and –

And –

_He might say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realise, I didn’t know they were important to you, I’ll let them live, I’ll let you live –”_

But Matsuda’s not that dumb. This is the worst thing he’s ever done. Raito can tell him it will be all right and maybe it will but there’ll be a reckoning first, and Aizawa and Ide will have to die because Matsuda’s just proved he’s no more loyal than they are –

And if Ide can be killed just for not being happy enough about Matsuda turning out to be helping Kira, then what the hell is Raito going to do to someone who's pulled a gun on him? 

_It's over, I wrecked everything, so stupid, so stupid, what do I do, what the hell do I do..._

“Matsuda,” Raito says again. “Put down the gun.” 

“I. I can't.” His hands are still shaking. “Soon as... as soon as... you'll kill them and...”

His mind is trying to add _and you’ll kill me_.

“Why are you trying to throw your life away for them?” Raito says. “What have either of them done for you? You don't have to protect them. No one will mind.” His gaze fixed on Matsuda. “You're Kira's Eyes. You help judge the wicked. You don't have to make an exception for them.”

_You're Kira's Eyes. You're mine. No matter what you do._

_He was going to write my name down..._

Misa-Misa died and Raito didn't let it touch him –

_He told me he needed me..._

And all that time. All that time Matsuda's been going along acting so sure of himself, so proud that someone like Raito loves him, and everyone else could see the truth – Ide and Aizawa and Mello and perhaps even Mogi, they could all see what was really happening and Matsuda shot them all down –

All that time, all those names, Raito told him everything would be all right, Raito said it was the two of them together, and Matsuda never questioned it, never once considered – and Raito can shout at him and punch him and threaten him and know Matsuda will take it all because Matsuda is just that much of a fool –

Raito is reaching out. Placing his hand over Matsuda's. Whispering, _It's all right. It's all right._ Thumb against Matsuda's palm. About to slide the gun out of his hands. About to let everything carry on the way it was before and Matsuda will just let him because what can he do, he was outclassed from the start –

And he just wants to see Raito as shocked as him, he just wants to see everything fall apart for Raito as much as it just has for him, and _**how dare Raito do this to him –**_

_You deserve this_

The gun jolts in his hand and he's thinking, _**Good –**_

Raito jerks backwards, hands flying off his.

There's blood all over the screens. 

Not much else. Silence. Lots of silence, his ears ringing. He's waiting for. He's waiting to find out he's screwed up again and Raito will get up and say, _Matsuda, calm down_ and everything will fall back into place.

He's waiting and waiting and –

“Raito?” he's saying.

“Raito, I didn't...”

Someone is laughing.

No. Something. Ryuk, silhouetted against the screens and the blood, laughing and saying, “You humans are _amazing_. Just when I think I've got it all worked out you go and do something completely different.”

The sight of Ryuk should prove this is definitely a dream but that stopped working years ago.

Matsuda's teeth are chattering. Which makes no sense because it's not cold in here. Ryuk is still chuckling and says something like, “I thought you were in love with him?” and Matsuda's thoughts echo back _Yeah, I thought I was too_ and then –

_What have I –_

_What did he –_

“Get out,” he is hissing. He can barely get enough air to speak. “Get _out_ , get out...” Ryuk just snorts with more laughter and Matsuda thinks _he'll never go, he’ll just keep following and laughing and **he knew all along**_ and he's grabbed the notebook from the desk and is throwing it at Ryuk, “Take it, take it away and get out, just leave us alone –” 

“Geez, okay.” Ryuk doesn't sound too bothered. He caught the notebook. Now he closes it. “He's dead, anyway, so I guess the show's over. What about yours?”

There's still a notebook in the safe.

_Mine…_

“’Cause,” Ryuk's saying, “you can give it up if you want, but maybe you want to hang on to it? You might need it, they're gonna be really mad if they think you shot Kira –”

There are footsteps outside. _They’ll see –_

He can’t let them see any of it – he stumbles over to the safe, grabs the other notebook, but – he can’t just drop the gun and there’s no way he can hide Raito – he doesn’t know what to do –

The door is flung open and he’s out of time but it’s Ide, already halfway across the room, dead white, “Matsuda, are you all right, did –” and then staring from the gun still in Matsuda's hand to the blood to – to –

Matsuda can’t just stay silent, and so he swallows and starts to say, “He was going to,” but the words won't come out. Whatever they would've been.

A door slams below them. Voices calling. 

Ide curses and then: “Give me your gun,” he’s saying, wrenching it out of Matsuda's grip with his hand wrapped in a fold of shirt. Holding it by the barrel, drops it into Raito’s palm. Clutching Raito's hand. Clutching the fingers round the gun. Matsuda watches, finds his mouth twitching. He doesn’t know exactly what’s funny.

More footsteps. Ide turns back to him, grabs him by the shoulders. 

“Matsuda, listen. _Listen to me._ He asked you for your gun and he shot himself with it.”

Ryuk is laughing and Matsuda wants to laugh too, it’s such a ridiculous idea –

“Matsuda!” Ide snaps, and actually shakes him a little. That jolts some words free. “No,” he begins, and he’s going to explain, _he was going to kill you, and I wanted him not to, and he wouldn’t listen, and…_

_And so I…_

Ide talks over him, though: “ _Yes_. If they think you did this, I’ll be dead too. Do you get it? If you say you did it, you will get me killed. He asked for your gun and shot himself with it. Matsuda, _say it_.” 

Matsuda hears himself echoing back, “He… asked for my gun and… shot himself with it…” He sounds far away. He sounds shaky and scared. He’s someone else that he is only listening to. Ide scowls at him like he doesn’t trust him not to screw up. Matsuda wants to say, _It’s okay, I’ve got it, he asked for my gun and shot himself with it, see, I remember_ but Ide is already speaking again, voice rough and fierce like none of the last several weeks have happened. “Hide that notebook. Put it under your shirt or something.” He stares round the room, hands trembling. Footsteps getting closer. Dives across to slam the safe door shut. “Oh, hell… do other people look at the camera feeds? Or just him?” 

Matsuda can't remember, but before he can admit this, the room is full of people. Someone swears and someone else is yelling and then the next moment two of the men have grabbed Ide, twisting his arms behind his back, and they're shouting at him _What the hell did you do –_

Matsuda manages to stutter out, “No, it wasn't... Ide wasn't there.” Everyone looking at him and now he’s not sure he can do this but Ide is staring at him, desperate, and Matsuda can’t screw this up too and he focuses on the line burnt across his mind’s eye and then he is saying it, “I was talking to Raito, and then he... he asked for my gun and... he just...”

Words all around him. _Why were you even armed_ , and he manages to explain, _He told me to, he said after Mello…_

_You two, he always cut you too much slack –_

_Well, hang on a minute,_ someone else is saying. _Yagami’s the one with the weapon in his hand –_

_Oh come on, he just killed himself?_

_Yeah, he’s… he always acted like he was well in with Kira…_

_Hang on, you think…_

_We should call the police._

They're letting go of Ide, or, at least, they're letting him straighten up, and someone's guiding him away like he doesn't know the location rather than that he's being arrested. He glances back at Matsuda for a moment and it's like he's yelled across the room _Just don't get me killed. Just don't get me killed._ Then the door closes behind him. Matsuda wishes they'd let him stay, even if he wasn't allowed to talk. People are looking. He can feel them. And he can't stop shaking. They’re going to want him to say all the right things and, and he doesn’t think that he can…

 _Matsuda_ , someone is saying to him, annoyed, like they've been trying to get his attention. _Matsuda, listen_ but then he doesn't hear what they say. It tastes like blood in his mouth. Blood on the screens, so sudden, like the world burst into flower with it.

_Okay, look, he's clearly in shock._

_Yeah, I wonder why –_

_Hey. If Yagami did just off himself right in front of his eyes, of course he's in shock –_

_Well, just make sure he can't happen to wander off before the cops get here._

_Don't be silly. If he did... if he's lying, Kira will sort things out._

White. 

White walls.

There was blood all over the screens and when he closes his eyes it's still there but when he opens them there's just white.

 _I'm sorry about this_ , someone is saying to him. _You understand it doesn't mean that you've necessarily done anything wrong. But we have to be cautious. We have to be seen to be taking the necessary steps. I think, personally, that if you're alive after tonight then that’ll be enough... just stay here and get some sleep, okay?_

He's standing in the cell and the other man is walking away, giving a reassuring glance as he does, name and lifespan hanging above his head like blood spatters in the air.

Matsuda had thought he wanted to be left alone but all at once he nearly starts yelling _Please don’t leave me_ , like something in the cell will come and find him as soon as he’s on his own. He doesn’t actually think this is what will happen but everything is… everything is waiting. 

But the door is locked and there's nothing but silence again. For a few moments, the silence actually helps. Nothing happened. Nothing’s going to happen. _If you can’t see it, it isn’t real._

( _He’s holding the pen in his hand but his fingers are so sweaty he thinks he’ll lose his grip on it if he actually tries to write anything. The notebook open in front of him. Blank page. Writing a story. It’s dumb to get this freaked out about just writing some stuff down. It’s just names on a page. It’s just…_

_“I’m…”_

_He doesn’t know what he was going to say but hearing his own voice, slightly unsteady, brings him back to himself, and he’s starting to panic, what the hell does someone like him think they’re doing getting involved with all of this?_

_”Scared?” Raito says, gently, and leans over his shoulder so that they’re both watching the notebook. Soft breath on Matsuda’s neck._

_”I know, it’s stupid, but…” **What if people find out it’s me?** he wants to say, like he’s a kid. **What if I write down the wrong name? What if – and you can’t take it back, it’d be so easy to screw up –** And under that his heart pounding and a voice going on and on in the back of his mind, **you’re a police officer, you can’t kill people, you can’t kill someone just like that, you’ll get caught, you’ll be in so much trouble, you promised you’d stop Kira, you promised you’d do the right thing –**_

_Raito puts a hand over his, squeezes his fingers._

_“It’s all right. I was scared as well, you know. When I first started I barely slept for a week. Doing important things always feels frightening. But it’s all right, Matsuda. I promise.”_

_Matsuda is looking round at him and whispering “Promise?” and Raito is whispering back, “I promise. We’re going to make everything right, we’re going to make people so happy… you’ve seen it already and now you can help… heroes get scared too, you know, Matsuda…” And Matsuda is laughing and saying, “Yeah, but I can’t believe **you** do,” his voice all shaky, and Raito is kissing his throat and murmuring, “Trust me, I’ve been scared. That’s why I’m… I’m glad you found out… I wanted to tell you, I wanted you to be part of it… I knew I could trust you, I knew you’d never let me down…” and then he whispers, “It’s fine once you get used to it. You can do this, Matsuda, I know you can…”_

_And Matsuda is marking the page with one line, two, one character, another, and it feels like nothing, and perhaps everyone is wrong, perhaps this isn’t what kills people at all, and Raito whispers, “Thank you… I’m so glad you’re here…” and he sounds young and scared and like really he’s no braver than Matsuda himself is. Matsuda writes one name, and another, and another, feeling like he’s watching someone else’s hand holding the pen, and Raito is kissing his jaw, his throat, and between kisses is telling him what some of these people have done, how many innocents they’ve killed or tortured or cheated, and Matsuda is thinking someone like that would think of him as nothing more than a victim, or an idiot, or an easily fooled, helpless cop, and he’s just – he’s just – and they’ll never have seen it coming –_

_Raito is warm against him and it’s distracting him from the writing, or maybe it’s accentuating it, maybe some of the heat and the blood pumping through him is because of what he’s doing. He writes the last name and then he is turning to kiss Raito, greedy, half-sitting on the desk, and Raito gasping **I love you – I love you so much –**_ )

Someone who can make you feel like that, someone who change everything like that, can't be dead. Matsuda's closing his eyes and he's seeing Raito's empty, blank face – blood trickling down between the eyebrows, along the nose, and Raito not even noticing it, not even blinking, and, but, it, that memory is one thing and _Raito is dead_ is quite another.

 _He asked for my gun and shot himself with it_ , he mouths, to check he still knows the words. It takes him a while to be sure he's got them right but that's okay because no one is coming to talk to him. After a bit he stops. It feels like a hand's clutching his throat from the inside.

 _Get some sleep_ , the man said, but Matsuda isn't going to close his eyes. The blank face is back. It makes his own skin itch, and he's putting a hand up to rub away blood that isn't there. 

Raito's fingers on his –

 _I can't_ , he's saying now, over and over, _I can't, I can't,_ and his voice is getting louder and more shaky, he feels like a landslide, he's going to start punching the walls or tearing his hair out or just screaming –

The sound bounces off the walls and back into his face and it, it's not his voice suddenly, it's Ide's, Ide in a cell just like this one shouting at him _you have to get me out, please – please –_ and Matsuda is shuddering, hugging himself as if he's the one who's about to get beaten up. 

Someone else inside his head is thinking, _I hope they don't shut Ide up down here like they've done with me_ , and, _I hope he's okay_ , and to him these thoughts are just words but it's like they're written on the walls in front of him. _I hope he's okay._

_If they think you did this, I'll be dead too,_ Ide said.

Matsuda can feel the notebook against his stomach now but as soon as he thinks of it he wants to be sick. He's staggering over to the bed – a bare mattress, a blanket, a pillow spotted with marks – and he's sitting down, hugging the blanket to himself, something to hold on to. Hold on. _I hope he's okay._

_Asked for my gun..._

Clutching the blanket to his chest. Rubbing at his forehead every so often when the blood itches his skin. Waiting.


	11. Undercurrents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Everything has fallen apart but now it's happened, he doesn't know why he was working so hard to stop it."

Raito is dead. _Raito is **dead**_. 

They're walking down the corridor and Ide knows full well that if he doesn't stay calm he'll probably be dead as well but he can't keep a grip on his thoughts, there's nothing to hold on to because the central fact is so unbelievable that he can't stay focused on it. Raito is dead. Kira is dead. One bullet. One second. As if it was always that easy. It's _not_ easy. That's what he has to remember, that just because Raito is dead doesn't mean everything is fixed. Raito's hardly the only one willing to see him killed. But Raito is dead and his absence is a hole cut in the world –

Ide's heart is hammering and he feels like he might burst out laughing, or lose his temper, or even just panic. They've reached one of the empty offices. The man in front of him opens the door. _Go in. Take a seat. We want to ask you some questions._ There's an edge to that, like _we know what you did._ Or maybe there isn't, maybe Ide is just paranoid. He's got a good reason to be paranoid. Raito is dead and Matsuda killed him and Ide's immediate reaction was to try and cover it up. He can feel it, all around him, people or thoughts or something demanding _what the hell did you think you were doing –_

He hasn't sat down – he forgot he was supposed to – but one of them grabs him by the shoulder, shoves him into the chair. Suddenly he's not thinking about Raito's death. It will be like _that_ and they can do whatever they want to him and he's already so scared he can't breathe.

They stand round him. Look down at him.

_Well?_ one of them says at last.

Ide can't think how to answer, but it doesn't matter, the other man carries on almost immediately: _Don't play dumb. Suicide? How stupid do you think we are?_

If he stays silent, that will basically be admitting the truth. Only he doesn't want to talk because they'll laugh at him for trying to get out of this with words, they'll laugh at him for thinking he has any control over any of this –

His throat is dry. _I'm only telling you what I saw._

_Like hell. Why would he shoot himself? He was at the top of his game, never put a foot wrong. Whereas you're an enemy of Kira, you're only still alive because Matsuda wanted a **pet** , you'd jump at the chance to screw up Kira's rule –_

Ide is biting at the inside of his lip to make himself say, _No_ , keep his voice steady, stick to the story, don't let them think he's hiding anything. Of course they interrupt: _What was it, Yagami told you it was the end of the line for you? Or you just snapped and couldn't face that you've lost? Come on, clue me in here, why did you do it?_

Steady. _I didn't. I heard the shot. I ran in and found him dead._

_Liar._

_I didn't see him die. I asked Matsuda what happened and he said it was suicide._

_Are you deaf?_ The man's face close to his, like he knows Ide is fighting not to meet anyone's eyes. Breath, warm. _You think anyone believes that?_

_I'm telling you what happened –_

The guy hits him. It's a slap, not a punch, and the sting of it isn't important except that it's underlining _you know what we're going to do to you – you know you can't do anything to stop us – you know –_

_You think Kira doesn't know a liar when he sees one?_ One of the others, speaking low and calm. And then, someone else: _You've committed the crime. We all know it. You think lying's going to help? It's just going to make it worse. You want to know how much worse it can get?_

You can't think about how much worse it's going to get. All you can think of is to keep stating the facts, as if they're all you know, as if you don't have another option –

(But he does have another option, doesn't he – if he told them the truth perhaps they'd see that as an expression of good faith, perhaps they'd let him live, perhaps –)

(He shouldn't have thought that because now he can't stop – now it feels like it's the only way out –)

(They want him to think there's no way out –)

He can hear his own voice, tired, resigned, _You can do what you want, it won't change what happened._ That's so stupid he could laugh at it if he were someone else. Do what you want and you can change everything, hasn't Raito proved that?

They're going to start on him in earnest now, they'll have to because otherwise they'll just loop this same conversation again. It's all right. It's all right. It's nothing he hasn't already faced and it's still better than death and it is _ridiculous_ to be so scared –

He doesn't hear the door open. Just a new voice, calling across, authoritative, _My apologies for interrupting, but I'd like to talk to Ide one-to-one. I'm sure that won't be a problem._

The people surrounding him step back and Ide sees the newcomer is someone he knows, slightly. Someone from work, one of the new guys. One of the pro-Kira guys. Clearly a relatively important pro-Kira guy, because the others start to leave immediately, no bluster. 

As the door closes behind them, the man comes to sit down, scooting the chair over as if they really are nothing more than colleagues and this is an informal meeting. 

_Sorry about that._ Warmth. Regret. _Sometimes people let their faith overwhelm them, don't they?_

Perhaps he's not a higher-up. Perhaps he was always going to come in and play the nice guy. Ide can still barely breathe for fear but a very small part of his mind wonders scornfully if they really think he's stupid enough to fall for it. 

_Can you tell me what happened?_ his questioner says, as if he's not a suspect at all, as if he's a victim, someone who deserves sympathy, and Ide feels desperation crashing through him like a wave, his mind seizing on a possible escape, _help me_ , it wants to beg, _I didn't do anything wrong, don't let them hurt me –_

Which is exactly why this trick works, isn't it. It's exactly the same scam Matsuda pulled on him before, _you can trust me, I'm a friend, I'm not like the others, I won't do anything bad –_ This time it's fury that takes him by surprise. You would have thought by now he would have gotten over being angry about this.

He takes a breath and hears himself answer. That he was waiting nearby and he heard the shot. That he ran down the corridor and found Matsuda staring in shock at a corpse. _I asked him what had happened and he said Raito had... had asked for his gun and... that's all he said. He – Matsuda, I mean – he was pretty shaken up. I was trying to get him to calm down and explain but he didn't say much before everyone else got there._ It sounds more of a lie every time he tells it. 

_Why were you waiting for Matsuda?_ the other man asks, calmly, as if he's just making conversation. Ide has to stop and mentally walk round the question a few times before it makes sense. Then he can't remember what the right answer is. Do they know about what was going to happen to Aizawa? Can't do. Someone would've brought that up already, thrown it at him as the perfect motive.

_Most evenings, we... spend time together,_ he says, instead. The words stick in his throat but he carries on, _I don't like... I don't like him not being there._ He can see the other man's contempt as he smiles and says _Right, I get it_ , but that's fine, that's _fine_ , contempt and mocking pity is much better than accusation...

_How's Yagami been, lately? I mean, behaviour-wise._

Keep it together. Keep it together. Of course they're going to ask about Raito. He tries to think his mind blank. Let the right answer show up provided by whichever part of him snapped into action and took the gun off Matsuda, it was warm under the shirt fold he was holding it in –

The memory is so vivid that he thinks for a moment that he's said it out loud and he nearly blacks out. But nothing happens. Kind, questioning face opposite him. 

Raito is dead. Ide's outlived him, surely he can survive a little longer now.

_He's seemed a little stressed, maybe. By the recent incident._

A nod. _Like he'd bitten off more than he could chew?_ There's a – a hint? An assumption? Ide can't work it out. Polite blankness. _I don't know. Maybe._

_You think he’s the type to suicide like that?_

This is probably _how stupid do you think we are_ all over again, but it's phrased like a genuine question, like the man is really interested in Ide's opinion, so Ide joins in and pretends to be genuinely considering his answer.

_I don’t know,_ he says, and it's like he's choking, he nearly blurts it all out: of course Raito isn't the type to suicide. Raito killed other people, not himself. Raito never knew a moment's doubt or guilt and why the hell did Ide think anyone would believe the lie –

But his questioner smiles warmly and says, _Come on, you worked with him, didn’t you? It’s a simple enough question._ Gently. Encouraging an answer. Ide wishes he wasn't still so scared. The fear is drowning out whatever the answer is meant to be. 

_I wouldn’t have expected it of him. But I’d never seen him this on edge before,_ he says, all of which is true.

Another nod. The room feels warm. The smell of pages in the air. Paper. Notebooks. 

The cop says, _And his relationship with Kira?_

Ide’s jumped before he can stop himself, clutches at the arm of the chair. They – 

They don’t _know_? 

They must know. Maybe it's a test, another way to catch – 

But wouldn’t it make sense for Raito to keep his own identity discreet? Stop his followers passing the information into the wrong hands? He’d – he'd even said, hadn’t he, that Ide had better not entertain any thoughts of spreading the word of who Kira was… 

His questioner says, shrugging, _You understand we’ve got to consider that angle. You know as well as I do how Kira works. So… anything you think I should know?_

It's a definite hint but Ide has no way in hell of working it out. They – they want dirt on Raito? Well, telling them the truth won’t help anything. And it's hard enough keeping one lie going without adding another. And maybe he's wrong, maybe there isn't a hint at all, maybe Ide is just desperate to give the right answer –

The cop leans forwards, resting his arms on his knees, and says, _It’s all right. Kira won’t punish you if you tell the truth. Yagami rather fancied himself as Kira’s equal, didn’t he? I mean… we all knew it. Any chance he could’ve been, I don’t know, taking advantage a little? Making things easier for himself?_

Hmm. Sounds like Ide isn't the only one who had reason to want Raito out of their life.

_I wouldn’t know about that,_ he says. It – it could still be a trick. Get the main suspect to a chance to reveal how much he disliked the deceased, get him talking, flatter him into thinking he's being so clever – _He wouldn’t have told me about anything like that, would he? Given our – our history_ , and the other man nods and smiles, _Sure._   
It could be a trick, but equally Ide hardly wants to give the impression he's _shielding_ Raito. 

_But… you’re… you’re right that he did always see himself as – as Kira’s equal. He believed he was doing Kira’s work. He never had any doubts._ Again, not even a lie.

Another nod. _Matsuda’s always with him, they say._

Like someone stepping too close again. It's easy to deny committing murder when you genuinely didn't do it. It might be more difficult when you're covering up for the person you know is guilty. When they got you into all this. When you're angry enough with them about that – and about them trying to save your friend's life like that will undo all their mistakes, like they think that will fool you into believing they’re on your side, just like they fooled you last time –

He says, cautiously, _Yes, generally. He. He was… fond of him. Raito. He…_ and his throat is closing up, how stupid, how stupid is he to think he can get away with this, any moment now, they can really make it hurt if they want to, he has to get out, he has to _get out –_

No. No. Don't think like that. His thoughts aren't pinned down. He can't fall apart now. Deep breath. _Sorry. I’m not… I don’t do so well with… unexpected situations, these days._ His questioner nods, looks like this is just what he expected, says, _That’s all right. Take your time._ A pitying edge to his voice, like he’s humouring Ide. Trying to make him feel useful. Probably thinking what a sad case he is. Ide's grateful for it anyway and then he's mentally kicking himself, it's another way to make him think someone's on his side, get him to trust –

They were talking about Matsuda.

_Matsuda was… very fond of Raito. They’ve worked together for several years._ He wonders if the cop knows there was more to it than that. Probably won’t help if he does, it will only put Matsuda into a box marked _homicidal jealous lover_ or something. And besides, it doesn't matter if Ide claims not to know. 

He shouldn't have thought about what he is and isn't supposed to know. It's making him feel dizzy.

_Right. He certainly seems devastated… we’re going to have a chat with him when he’s calmed down._ Pause. _Pretty impressive surveillance system Yagami has set up in that room._ Ide is suddenly so cold he feels like he's going to pass out. The cop carries on, _Know what kind of work he did? When he was based there?_

All Ide can do is stammer, _No. What?_

_I don’t know._ The man grins. _Was wondering if you did. It’s not covered by the cameras, you see… seems odd. And we can’t access most of the surveillance footage, either… no sound, and only cameras from the corridors. So we’ve seen the footage of you waiting for Matsuda, running out when you heard the shot. Some of the others heard it too, they back up your statement that you weren’t on the scene when it was fired. But what happened in there… that’s up for grabs. Still, I’m sure Matsuda will be able to shed some light on it._

Is it true? Is it actually true, can they have been that lucky? Another trick, maybe, convince them they've got away with it... get them to relax their guard...

The cop shrugs, gets to his feet. _If you think of anything else that might be relevant, let us know, okay? We just want to find out more about what kind of person Yagami was. It’s pretty tragic, someone taking their own life so young._

_It's such a waste_ , Ide says, meeting the lie with another one.

***  
Matsuda is dreaming that he’s standing by Raito and Raito is lying on the ground and there is blood oozing down his face. Blood, and flies crawling around on his skin. It will itch. Matsuda’s face is itching in sympathy. He’s saying to Raito, _I’ll help, let me help_ and reaching down and he can’t wipe the blood off. He’s trying but it’s just getting all over his fingers, all over Raito’s face, in his hair, and they’re both covered in it and Matsuda is saying he didn’t mean to but he knows that he did –

He wakes up on the cell bed clutching the blanket and his stomach lurches and he buries his face in the blanket, telling himself he’s not going to be sick. It smells musty but that’s okay, the smell blocks out the thought of blood. But then the wool of it scratches his face and he’s back to thinking about a line of blood running down skin –

_Matsuda_ , someone says.

He almost stops breathing. He’s almost too scared to look up. When he does, it’s a police officer, one of the Kira supporter ones, and one of the information network coordinators. Shinichi Uehara and Matsuo Tsuneki, their names above their heads. Uehara he’s only ever said the odd word to, but Tsuneki they greet each other in the corridors, they’ve made coffee for each other a few times. Tsuneki’s always acted, though, like he didn’t quite get what Matsuda was doing here. Polite bafflement. Raito said _he’s ambitious, and he likes to understand how things work. He knows that you’re important to me, but he doesn’t know how, and that annoys him…_

_Good morning_ , Tsuneki says, not sounding like he particularly cares. _I hope you’re feeling a little more responsive. We wanted to talk about last night._

Matsuda sits up and knows he should probably get to his feet, at least stop hugging the blanket, but he’s too tired, like he didn’t sleep at all. Plus there’s the notebook tucked into his belt. 

He nods, anyway, and Uehara says to him, _Tell me again what happened._

Matsuda swallows – his throat is dry and his mouth tastes sour – and manages to say again, _He asked for my gun and shot himself with it._

_All right, can you talk me through it with a little more detail?_

Matsuda’s not at all sure he can but he can hardly just say _No_. He closes his eyes a moment, trying to think. Opens them and everything’s the same. Names and lifespans and blood in the air. Ide glaring at him. _If they think you did this, I’ll be dead too. **I’ll be dead too**_

_Ide,_ he’s stammering, _Ide’s okay, right? I mean he’s still alive? He didn’t do anything… I said, he wasn’t there…_

They both look at him like he’s being this stupid on purpose but then Uehara says, _Your… colleague is fine. Footage from the corridor camera places him as outside the room when Yagami died. But you were right there. So. Why don’t you tell us what happened? Yagami was at NHN. He came back here. Why did you go and see him?_

He promised Ide not to get him killed. 

_I was looking for Mello,_ he says. _On the footage. I… he’d want to know… he’d want to know how I got on._

_How did you get on?_ Tsuneki says.

Matsuda can’t remember the answer to that question. He can’t really remember what he was saying, but then he’s clenching his fists and, and Ide is counting on him, he’s going to be brave and smart and say the right things, _I didn’t find anything but… I went to see Raito, I…_ No. No, that’s not right, he went to talk to Ide first. _No, sorry, I… Raito wasn’t back yet. I wanted a break._ Getting coffee. Joking with Ryuk about apples. _I went to see Ide._

Tsuneki snorts. _You do that a lot._

_Raito wants me to_ , Matsuda says, like everything’s still fine, and then he can’t believe he’s said it like he’s already forgotten what happened. Chop to the throat. He clenches his fists again. Stupid. Pathetic. Worthless. Just get a grip, just be normal, why can’t he do things right –

Tsuneki is explaining to Uehara. _He’s right about that. Matsuda keeps tabs on Ide. You’ll understand we can’t guarantee Ide’s loyalty to Kira, for obvious reasons…_

_Really? I’m surprised to see he’s still alive, if that’s the case…_

_Well,_ Tsuneki says, like this means something, and turns back to Matsuda. _You… spent time with Ide. We saw the two of you come out of his room later, just after Yagami arrived back at the house. Why?_

_I… I said. I was going to go and see Raito._

_Why was Ide going with you?_ Tsuneki says, voice colder. _He’s meant to stay where he’s sent and keep his head down. Not bother people who’ve got better things to do._

They haven’t mentioned Aizawa. Makes sense. The camera footage for the cells is all sealed off. Aizawa and Ide talked about the notebook, about Raito as Kira, enough times. Matsuda knows as soon as someone does find out about Aizawa, what was going to happen to him, they’ll work everything else out and that will be it. 

_He… he didn’t want me to leave him on his own_ , he says. Ide won’t thank him for making it sound like this but Matsuda doesn’t know what else to say.

_Really?_ Uehara.

_Not as odd as it might sound._ Tsuneki. _No one else in this organisation has much time for him, given the crimes he’s committed. He knows full well if it wasn't for his connection with Matsuda, he'd have things a lot worse._

_Okay, so, he waited for you in the little library, and you went in to talk to Raito. How did he seem?_

Matsuda tries to think. He doesn’t want to think, not about Raito. Raito calm and smiling and saying _everything will be all right_ and Matsuda kept _believing_ him –

_For goodness sake_ Tsuneki is beginning, but Uehara says, more kindly, _It's all right, Matsuda. We understand it must have been a shock. You didn't see this coming at all?_

Matsuda manages to shake his head. Then he thinks that that's another lie, that really the signs were there from the start. The bed creaks. Uehara's come to sit next to him. 

_If Yagami did suicide,_ he says, _no one's going to blame you. We just want to know why. So tell me, did he seem stressed at all? Or acting out of character?_

Matsuda digs his nails into his arms, tries to say something. Something that won't get him killed. He can do this. He can do this, he'll be brave, he'll do the right thing for once and –

_Stressed_ , he says, quickly, before the thoughts can crash down on him again. _Yeah. A bit. About Mello. Mello killed his dad. Raito hates him. He was... he was angry with me. Because..._ His mind is blank for a few moments. Uehara says, _Because?_ and Matsuda manages to say _Because I told Mello some stuff I shouldn't have. And then I couldn't find him. On the footage. Raito didn't want me to bother him. He wanted me to find Mello._

He feels the other two glance at each other. 

Uehara says at last, _There's a lot of stuff Yagami was clearly keeping to himself. The search of the system has shown us that. If it was suicide..._

_Oh, I think Yagami had a hidden agenda, all right,_ Tsuneki says. _On the other hand, how do I know that didn't involve Matsuda?_ His voice moves closer. Matsuda can see his feet. _You see, Matsuda, you've got to look at it from our perspective. He was found dead. Shot with your gun. No other witnesses. You're saying it was suicide, but you can't give a convincing reason why. You'd have had time to put the weapon in his hands –_

Uehara breaks in, _Matsuda would have been judged by Kira if he's murdered someone in cold blood. There's no way Kira wouldn't know about this._ He doesn't sound like he's on Matsuda's side, though. He sounds like he's giving the other side of the argument because that's what's in his script. 

_Judgement might take a few days. In the meantime, we need the truth about what happened. It's important to establish who's really helping Kira and who's only looking to help themselves. We wouldn't want to end up allying with the wrong person._

_I don't think alliances will be a problem._ Uehara sounds warm, calm, like he knows everything's going to be fine. _Yagami is dead. If Matsuda had any information about how he ended up that way, I'm sure he'd tell us. He wants to assist Kira as much as we do. Don't you, Matsuda?_

Matsuda's heart jolts. He manages to nod.

_I don't see Matsuda trying to exploit the situation_ , Uehara carries on. _Or doing anything that might make us think he's a threat. I think that if he'd... done something stupid for his own personal gain, he'd be working harder to actively discredit Yagami. I think he also knows that he can't expect to, say, step into Yagami's shoes. I think he's well aware that an incident like this is going to follow him around, that he's just going to have to accept that, going forward, he won't be able to play much of a part in Kira's government._

He is leaning a little closer as he says, _I think he knows that if he did make any moves like that, we'd become a lot more curious about what exactly happened last night._

_But we're trusting in Kira, as we always have done. Kira may know something we don't. Matsuda knows that he won't be able to outrun Kira._

Tsuneki sounds like he's shrugging. _Right. We'll see what tonight's judgements bring._

Uehara's getting to his feet. They're walking away. _Someone will bring you something to eat, Matsuda. Don't worry. We just think it's safer for you to remain here for now. Once we're sure that your freedom is what Kira wants, we'll be happy to grant it to you._

Matsuda feels like about ten different conversations have been going on at once and he heard about two of them, but it's obvious they're pretty much daring him to make a fuss about any of this. He's not sure why they think he would. He's so tired he feels he can barely stand, let alone start yelling about things. He thinks they were hinting to him what story they want him to tell, but he didn't pick up on it, he doesn't know what he's supposed to do except stay here and keep quiet. They're at the door now, and then Tsuneki is saying, _Why did Yagami take Ide to see the other one last night? Aizawa?_

Matsuda feels like he just walked straight off a ledge.

The silence stretches and stretches and he whispers the only answer he can give: _Ide often goes to talk to him. Tries... tries to get him to... to understand about Kira._

_**Ide** does?_ Uehara says, disbelievingly, and Tsuneki is saying, _If you're going to propose that enemies of Kira can be reformed, then you may as well try whatever you wish to convince them... personally, I've always thought Yagami uses it as an excuse to pretend to Kira that the two of them are worth keeping alive. He used to work with them. It can be hard to believe someone you probably trusted is... well. Sometimes people's emotions get the better of them._

It feels like he knows everything already. Perhaps he does. Perhaps they're just asking these questions to trip Matsuda up, catch him lying. Matsuda swallows again. Hears himself say, dull, tired, _Aizawa is... is Ide's friend. Raito... he... he thought Aizawa might listen to Ide..._

_Not that he has so far_ Tsuneki says. _All right, Matsuda, thank you for your time –_

They’re going to go. Matsuda had thought he wanted them to leave him alone but suddenly he realises what it's going to be like once no one is there to distract him from the memories of last night.

_Please_ , he says, and he sounds too scared. He swallows. Tries to make his voice dull. _Please, if… if it’s possible, I… I’d like to… could Ide maybe come to see me?_

Tsuneki snorts and looks scornfully round like he knows full well Matsuda is only asking because he doesn’t know who else can fix any of this. _A little late to try and get your stories straight._

_Now, that's not fair._ Uehara looking at him, pitying. He knows, too. _I doubt it will do any harm. We'll see what we can do, Matsuda, all right?_

And the door is swinging closed behind them. Just before it clangs shut Matsuda hears someone say, _... he's like **that** , nothing more..._

And then silence. 

It’s all right. Everything is all right. All he has to do is sit and wait and remember that Raito _asked for my gun and shot himself_ and everything will be fine –

_It's stupid_ , Raito is saying – this is Raito from five years ago, sitting in an empty room in the old headquarters, hunched over, fingers digging into his arms as if he's angry with himself – _It's so stupid, Matsuda. He died in my arms. Why does it feel so... so unfinished? I keep feeling as though I..._ He swallows. _As though I missed something. Like there must be another explanation for him not being here. You... do you know what I mean?_

_Kind of_ , Matsuda said then. Now: _Yes. I know exactly what you mean. Some people, you feel they're too... too alive to die. Some people, they wouldn't just disappear like that._

Only Raito hadn’t meant it, had he, because he had killed Ryuzaki himself. 

So that’s another time Matsuda answered like he thought Raito really cared about his opinion.

Now it’s not the blood, it’s bits of memory. All the times Raito smiled at him or touched his hand or put an arm round him or blushed a little or said, _I love you_. They rise up in Matsuda’s throat, behind his eyes, and he’s looking for the mistakes, the cracks in the mask, the moments when he could have seen the truth, except he’s not, he’s thinking of how kind Raito was to him, how many times he came to find Matsuda and said, _I missed you_. Surely one of those must have been real. _Surely_. Even if it means he’s shot someone who loved him, it’s better than it all being nothing but lies…

He doesn’t want to cry. No. That’s not right. He thinks if he starts he’ll never stop and the people watching him already think he’s pathetic, not to mention if he loosens the grip on his thoughts he might spill the truth without meaning to. 

_You can’t hold out for ever._

Soon the disbelief, the numbing, will wear off. Raito will be dead and everything he ever said will have been a lie and Matsuda’s going to go to pieces live on camera.

(Thinking of Ide now, kneeling on the floor, gasping for breath, hands pressed to his face, blood running down his fingers, shouting through them _go to hell_ , voice cracking, and they’d laughed at him, and why wouldn’t you, you could see he was scared –)

He can’t breathe. 

Because Ide was right, everything Ide said was right, and Ide knows and has always known that Matsuda sold him out to keep something that wasn’t even real. Matsuda destroyed Ide and Aizawa’s lives and got Mogi killed for _nothing_. 

_All – it was all a waste – it was all –_

He can’t _breathe_. From far away something’s reminding him it wasn’t just that, it was that he would’ve been caught as Kira, that he’d already killed the SPK by that point, but it doesn’t – it doesn’t matter, he became Kira to help Raito, he became Kira because Raito needed him and wanted him and saw something useful in him and – because _he thought_ Raito wanted him –

No. Not this. Not now. Not seeing it all laid out in front of him –

_Can't_

_I can't_

Of course Ide hated him when he found out the truth –

He manages a gasp of air as if his head is breaking the surface of water for a moment. _It’s fine it’s fine you’re not suffocating you’re all right it’s **fine**_ maybe someone’s written his name down, maybe he’s dying _you’re such an attention-seeker you’re behaving as if something terrible happened to you **it was you it was all you**_ he is so scared _stop it, stop looking so pathetic, they’ll work it all out, they’ll think you’re crazy_ he wrote down so many names –

_you can never come back from this_

_you could have stopped and you didn’t_

Name after name after name. He can _see_ them, he can watch himself writing them down. It, it should've felt difficult. More frightening. It shouldn't have been so _simple_. It never felt like the names were names of real people. He wrote them down because he thought Raito loved him. It shouldn’t have been so simple – something should have stopped him –

_You should have stopped yourself_

_But you didn’t_

_Because you were **in love**_

Anyone hearing that will tell him a quick death is too good for him, and he is going to be that person for the rest of his life –

He’s stopped. No. Started. Started breathing again. He’s sitting on the bed. His fingers are knitted together. Separating his hands is exhausting. His face itches a little and he rubs at it, expecting to see blood, but it’s not, it’s just that he’s been crying. He should be embarrassed about it but it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a fact. 

He’s too tired to keep sitting upright. He’s curled up on the bed. Those are facts, too.

Everything has fallen apart but now it's happened, he doesn't know why he was working so hard to stop it. It's as though this was always going to happen. He just never realised until now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did not intend it to be so long before I updated. Life and rewriting got in the way... the next chapter should be along much more promptly, I promise!


	12. Resolutions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It’s an argument for protecting Matsuda as well as himself. It’s not the real reason but it will do as well as anything."

Ide didn’t sleep at all last night – what was left of last night – just lay there staring at the ceiling and trying to convince himself there was no chance someone was going to burst in and drag him off to another interrogation. It didn’t work – the convincing – and now it’s like his thoughts and his eyes are both coated in grit. 

Plus whoever’s calling the shots now has decided he needs to be kept under observation, so he’s spent the day sitting in his room trying to read and ignore the person assigned to watch him, because that’s really not helping, he’s just waiting for a group of them to come together and then start saying, start saying it’s only going to get worse –

Every so often they’ll swap one guy out with another and Ide will catch the end of whispered conversations which tell him very little. No one knows anything more. No one’s decided anything more. Everyone’s just waiting.

Towards the evening, they relocate him, he's sitting in one of the meeting rooms on the ground floor. The man with him, reading a newspaper, doesn’t look like he’s particularly enthralled by either task, and when they hear the front door slam he’s scrambling up at once to go listen to what’s going on. Ide stares at the shiny wood of the desk he’s sitting at, then, once his watcher is out of his eyeline, at the newspaper left on the table. If the man looks round he can pretend he was staring at the walls or something –

Something about the paper looks odd. Or, not odd, but – foreign, or dated. Ide studies it for a few moments before he gets it. There are people’s faces. L – Raito – stopped all that, stopped criminals’ photos appearing, and then people just got less enthusiastic in general about having their photographs widely distributed, but this paper is just like one from before Kira appeared. Photos of politicians and then, on the second page, one long column of names and faces, like an honours list or a government reshuffle from before all this. Ide squints at it. Black-and-white faces staring out, like passport photos, and then the names. _Sosuke Funabashi. Embezzlement. Ibuki Harada. Burglary. Ryuki Karube. Anti-Kira propaganda. Toma Motoyoshi_ – and then it’s cut off. 

Of course if he'd thought about it he'd have known the judgements couldn't just be those photos from the police. 

And these people will know what’s coming. Unless this is a list of the dead. Ide's not sure which is worse. Knowing your name's out there must be hell – the number of times he's thought about how he'd been so _casual_ with his name and face once – but an exhaustive list of every Kira victim means that's the identity you take to the grave, and your family with no chance to deny it...

He should stop looking. But he's leaning forward like if he sees more then it will make things less horrible. It doesn't. A stray line of text, _We offer them to Kira_ and he feels like he’s fallen. So you know that you’ve been marked – 

There are voices outside.

Ide hastily slumps back in the chair and makes himself listen. What if they say Matsuda's confessed. Or that he's dead. Or what if they say, _Ide knows the truth, he’s just got to be persuaded to tell it –_

“… day’s judgements…”

“Well, I don’t know. That was Yagami’s department, remember?”

Yagami. 

_Judgements._

Names and faces. Newspaper lists. Folders of photographs. Raito dead and his notebook back in the shinigami world. Matsuda’s notebook locked up with him.

Matsuda has _killed Kira_.

Ide makes himself breathe out. It hurts his throat. The voices outside are growing more irritated. “Someone better figure it out, I’m not going to be accused of protecting evildoers here, you need to get these to Kira…” And then someone close by, “Kira will contact us, he’ll find a way…” 

“Ridiculous. You’re not telling me Yagami and Matsuda have a direct line to Kira and no one else does? What about Takada and her lot… someone has to have been briefing her…”

“Let’s not get NHN involved, they’ll walk all over us…”

“Besides, Yagami was her main contact. Old To-Oh friend, you know?”

“Just because Matsuda’s cooling his heels doesn’t mean he can’t…”

“If he’s playing an angle, I’m not going to start getting key information from him. Kira will contact us… for all we know, Kira’s one of us, knows the situation already… Let’s not assume we’ve got to depend on an idiot who might also be a murderous lunatic…”

The voices fade away. Ide’s observer makes like he’s studying the pictures on the walls, like it matters to him that Ide didn’t think he was eavesdropping. Ide keeps his head down, keeps his gaze on the desk, trying to act like that conversation was unimportant, like it meant nothing to him…

In a few hours – maybe a couple of days at the very most – they’ll notice Kira has disappeared. Shortly after the very dramatic so-called suicide. 

And then –

He's telling himself not to think about _and then_ and it's almost working because if he puts into words what's going to happen then he thinks he might actually pass out.

_Stop – stop it – you were fine with dying before, to help Aizawa, death is death_ –

No – he was fine with telling Raito what to do with his stupid mind games, and fine with pretending he wasn't scared any more, but he never wanted to die – that was why he let Matsuda talk him into an alternative, that was why he kidded himself it had a chance in hell of working out without someone being killed –

And now – a heart attack would have been a clean death, as clean as death ever is – if they work out that someone's killed Kira they'll want to make an example of the culprit, they'll, they – 

He's sitting perfectly still and his thoughts are screaming and he's this close to – falling apart somehow – for some moments he basically is because he's not even noticing that he's terrified, he is just terror –

And then as if the fear is too much, it short-circuits and he's saying to himself, _No –_

_No, not after all of that – not after outliving him – I'm not letting him take me down like that – I'm not – I'm **not going to die here** – _

He sounds angry enough he can believe that he's stating an objective truth. Fine. Go with it. _If things are that hopeless then I should jump off the roof right now, and I'm not going to, so that means there's a way out –_ There's a faction here who don’t think Raito’s above suspicion, are in this to benefit themselves. Enough to keep it quiet if they did think Raito had been Kira? They wouldn’t want him to be a martyr. Or would they? Turn him into a saint and make themselves the cult leaders… and they’d still want to make sure Matsuda, one of Raito’s key allies, couldn’t ruin things…

No one will think that Matsuda has Kira's power, that's for sure. And even if they did it wouldn't help. They'd only want to take it off him and then make him disappear. 

Takada. Ide had forgotten, if he ever knew, that she was at university with Raito. But she must have heard about the death by now. If she knew the truth about Raito, she’d have spoken up. _And Matsuda and I would already be dead, most likely._

_It's not going to happen._

The world stays whole: the light glinting in the surface of the desk, the tick of a clock, his palms sweaty, the sun setting.

If Raito had died through some other means, something that didn’t place Matsuda right at the scene, then they could wait it out. Raito was the only one who knew just how much the task force know about Kira. But Matsuda was too close to the death and Ide is a known enemy of Kira. Once they figure out who Raito was –

He feels like he's on the edge of a breakthrough but he suspects that's just because he wants to be. The door opens, sending his thoughts flying. It's one of the higher-ups. Tsunoda. No. Tsuneki. Matsuo Tsuneki. One of the ones sounding off outside just now, Ide's pretty sure. Still, right now he’s looking at Ide as if Ide is slightly more than dirt, which is an improvement on normal. He nods to him and only says, _Matsuda’s been asking for you. He’s been quite… upset._

Ide can’t think of what else to say but, _Right._

_Do you want to see him?_

Ide tries not to dive on the suggestion. Act like there's nothing to warn Matsuda about, like he has no reason to think Matsuda won't soon be back in normal life. _If that's all right,_ he says, keeping his voice flat, letting his gaze drop.

No making him wait, no vague promise, not even questions as to why. Tsuneki just says, _Of course. Let's go down there now._

Ide had thought before, when he was being taken to see Aizawa, that it was probably good he'd been unconscious when they'd first locked him up. If he had to remember arriving here (and probably being angry, probably confident he'd be free within days, stupid and arrogant and embarrassing to remember) he thinks they'd never have got him to go down there again. But this time, as they walk, he can clutch onto _I'm not going to die here_. Nothing's as important as that, not any more.

The cell door is being unlocked and Tsuneki's saying, _No hurry. Take some time to talk._ Doubtless hoping they'll let some useful information drop. The light in the cell is too bright; black at the edges. Ide finds himself clenching his fists. He's still scared, he's just ignoring it.

Matsuda is curled up on the bare mattress, clutching the blanket to his chest. He looks _grey_. Like he's given up on life already. Like he knows they're both on a hiding to nothing. Ide wants to grab him by the shoulders and shake him. _Don't you dare. Don't you dare give up. We're not dying here –_

The door slams behind him and he still _hates_ that sound, it's like screaming. He must have twitched a little because Matsuda actually glances at him. Doesn’t say anything, though. Doesn’t speak and doesn’t move and Ide hadn’t realised, until now, how frequently Matsuda had been saying to him _are you all right?_ or _it’s going to be okay_ or just talking too much, distracting, insisting that everything was fine…

_So what? Nothing's fine. It's good that he's worked that out._ And it will stamp out any lingering beliefs that Matsuda can help, that Matsuda can be trusted to fix things. _I was always on my own, I just didn't know about it before._

Matsuda is still watching him, warily as if he expects to be shouted at. Or maybe he's just picked up on Ide's frustration with him. Which is bad, because that can’t be made obvious to Tsuneki and whoever else is watching. Not dying means keeping the lie going...

He makes himself breathe out, and takes a few steps closer. Staying standing feels like he's about to, at the very least, start lecturing (when he was here and someone walked in he would always sit up, even if he'd been asleep, he wasn't going to lie there and behave as if he _knew_ he was a victim –)

But if he sits down then it will look as though he's trying to help, trying to make Matsuda feel better somehow, and – what on earth is he supposed to say? Does he even want Matsuda to feel better? Matsuda's done some terrible things, you could argue that some guilt and despair is entirely deserved. But he –

_Looks like death –_

“Come on,” he says, and he almost snaps it. “Sit up. You can't stay like that forever.”

Matsuda does slowly pull himself into a sitting position. Once he has, Ide feels like he can sit down on the edge of the bed without it being uncomfortably intimate. They are sitting like this because there's nowhere else to sit and he has to warn Matsuda about what's coming. No way will the man have figured it out, he looks like he barely knows where he is right now. 

“Are you all right?” he says, and Matsuda looks at him like it doesn't make sense. All right, it probably doesn't. Matsuda is clearly not _all right_. “Have you been given food?” At last, a nod. “Has anyone been in to talk to you?”

Matsuda nods again, swallows. “Tsu – Tsuneki. And Uehara.”

“No one else?”

Shake of the head.

“What did they say?”

Matsuda swallows again. Closes his eyes for a few moments – they're reddened, shadowed – and, at last, says, “I... I don't remember. They... I don't remember. I can't...” 

Silence. 

“Well... you must be very tired. And you... had a shock.”

No answer.

Ide takes a slow, careful breath.

“I think they’re waiting for – for Kira to make a decision,” he says, trying to keep his voice calm. “You know, the day’s judgements haven’t happened yet. I don’t think.” Like it’s not important enough to know for sure. “Maybe when they have, that will give them some direction.”

Matsuda's eyes widen, just a little, just for a moment.

“Right,” he says, at last. “Watching to… to see who dies. Or if anything… or if anything’s different.” He’s worked it out, too. Ide can hear it in his voice.

“Exactly. It might... they hope it might tell them more about who Raito really was. Perhaps – perhaps it might.”

Can't make it any clearer than that.

They sit in silence for a few more moments. Matsuda smells of sweat and hair and – not of blood, exactly, it's just that it's difficult not to think about the blood all over the screens, about the smell of the shot. There's probably not much else to say. Sitting like this in the small cell with the outside so far away, Ide is starting to realise how dumb it is to think he can survive just by wishing it. _They'll figure it out and put me back here and make it hurt and make it hurt and –_

“It's all right,” Matsuda says, suddenly, glancing at him. “They... they told me. They said they know you didn't do it. And... and so Kira won't... judge you. He'll... he'll judge someone else and that will... that will sort everything out.”

Ide turns to look at him properly. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Assuming that it has a meaning and isn't just a more pitiful version of Matsuda's usual chatter. Kira’s not going to be judging anyone – doesn’t Matsuda get it? And once Raito is known to be Kira, they’re hardly going to spare Ide out of the kindness of their hearts –

Unless – Matsuda's got a notebook, still, presumably, hugged to his chest under that blanket. Matsuda _could_ – but surely not, surely not with people watching – and whose name – Matsuda and Ide are the only suspects anyone _has_ – 

The realisation is like being punched in the stomach.

“I hope,” he says, trying to get air around the words, “I hope Kira won't judge anyone. If someone else ends up dead, then they'll likely try and prove that I was connected to them. I think that Kira judged Raito. I know it's terrible –” Which is probably the biggest lie he's told so far, but never mind – “but I think we have to face the truth.”

“But... but it would prove –” Matsuda stops. Takes a deep breath. “I don't see how you'd get in trouble. They know you didn't kill him. If they thought you had, they'd have... but they didn't, you're all right, it's all right. And... and when Kira judges the real murderer, it'll be, everything will be fine. Justice and...” He takes another breath. “Justice will be done and... they'll know Kira's still out there, protecting us, and... and the guy should want it, really, if he's at all sorry about what he's done then he should want to die, to make it up, show that, that...” 

He's trembling and it actually sounds as though he can't breathe and Ide has grabbed him, pulled him so they're facing each other – Matsuda warm under his hands, already it feels like it's been years since they've touched –

“Matsuda,” he says. “Look at me. Look at me.”

Matsuda does. Ide hadn't realised, until now, quite how devastated he looked. Matsuda has never looked this – this hollowed-out, this hopeless. And they've blown it. Matsuda has basically confessed, just now. He knows it and he doesn't even care.

_We're not dying here. I don’t care if it’s what you want, it’s not happening –_

“Breathe. Just breathe. Now _listen_ , all right? You told me that Raito killed himself in front of you.” He stares at Matsuda, trying not to glare. _Don’t you dare go back on it. Don’t even –_

At last Matsuda says, dully, “Yes. That's what happened.”

“Well, only Kira can judge someone in that way.” It feels so stupid keeping the lie going but there's – there's no way that – all right, perhaps he misunderstood, but if he didn't – “If that's what happened, then no one else _should_ be judged for it.” If he didn't misunderstand, then there's no way Matsuda is going to write his own name down and take the blame – that's not going to happen –

(Why isn't it?)

Matsuda says, “But if Kira did it, then... then that means Raito was... that means he was a – a sinner, and that Kira's still out there.”

“I know.”

“And... and like you said, the judgements would have to... have to...”

“Yes, I know.”

He feels Matsuda sigh, slump a little. He wants to say, _It's going to be all right,_ but he doesn't – he doesn't know how to –

(Matsuda has killed hundreds of people and they both know it –)

But they're not going to use his death as the solution – they're just not –

And then Matsuda's hands are clutching his wrists, loosening his grip, and Matsuda is saying, “It's all right, I’m all right. Sorry. I'm sorry, I just lost it for a moment –” and he is pushing something, a small scrap of paper, against Ide's palm –

Ide has frozen and he can't think what to do but Matsuda is squeezing his hand, curling it into a fist, saying, “It was nice of you to come and see me, I know you hate it down here, I wanted you to know it means a lot –” and Ide is going along with the act, scowling, pulling his hand away as he's embarrassed, muttering, “It was nothing. You came to see me enough times,” and shoving his hands awkwardly into his pockets, pushing the paper as far down as he can – “They’ll probably come and fetch me back in a minute. But I’m – I’m happy to come and see you again. If they’ll let me.”

“And like you said,” Matsuda says, voice flat, addressing his words to the floor, “maybe Kira will tell us what he wants to happen.”

It’s like a needle, or a burn. 

Matsuda has given him a piece of the notebook.

_So that means I’ll –_

He can’t speak, he can’t breathe for a second.

If Matsuda’s death isn’t going to solve this, then who’s is?

It doesn’t have to be – to be _that_ , it could be another scrap of paper, an old receipt, a message, it, except why would Matsuda risk writing something down, they’d have seen him do it, why wouldn’t he have tried to say it out loud –

The door is being unlocked. Tsuneki nods to him, says something about how Matsuda probably could use some rest. Ide is walking towards him and out of the cell and wondering what he’ll do if Tsuneki says, _What did he give you_ , or makes someone check his pockets, or –

But they’re walking back up the stairs now and Tsuneki is just saying something about the weather, about it being chilly down in the basement today. Up above ground again. But Tsuneki’s stopped walking now. _I’d like to talk to you, if you’ve got a moment._

Ide is nodding and saying that that would be fine and the fear is almost _still_ this time because it’s all he can feel.

They’re back in the room where he was waiting before. The man with the newspaper has left. Names and faces. _I could kill them. If it is – if he has given me –_ The names are running in his head like a song. _Sosuke Funabashi. Ibuki Harada. Ryuki Karube. Toma Motoyoshi._ The names and the faces –

Tsuneki is putting a boxed meal, convenience store food, on the table. _Here. It’s getting late… thought you could use something to eat._

Ide feels like he can’t spare the mental energy, but he’s hardly going to turn food down when they could starve him if they wanted to. He mumbles, _thank you very much_ , focuses on opening the container. The smell of cold pre-prepared food rises up and makes his stomach roll, but that, and the plastic lid, and the chopsticks, real things, things you can touch, are bringing his heartrate back down, almost letting him pretend that killer notebooks don’t exist.

And the last thing he needs is to look like he’s obviously haunted by some horrific secret. He just needs to stay calm. Tsuneki wasn’t one of the ones who knocked him around, last night or before. Too much of a corporate type. That helps. Ide can kid himself things aren’t going to escalate to that, now or ever.

_Matsuda’s really taking this badly_ , Tsuneki says.

Well, of course they were going to talk about Matsuda. Ide nods, hopes that he looks like a concerned onlooker, nothing more. 

_He was very fond of Raito_ , he says.

_It certainly seems like it. How well do you know him?_

Ide pretends he’s focusing on choosing what to eat next. Breathe in. Breathe out. He doesn’t think he can make himself swallow anything. _Well enough, I suppose. We’ve been colleagues for quite a while._ It sounds dismissive, so he adds, _Matsuda joined the NPA right after college, and I was there when he started, so…_

_Ah, I see. And Yagami’s father was already heading up the department, right?_

Ide nods and he’s about to say _Yes_ and he’s remembering Matsuda from back then: too loud, voice constantly shaking with nerves. The Chief had stopped by his desk once, told him _good job_ , and Matsuda turned red and spent the next hour trying to maintain a professional demeanour and not just smile from ear to ear. It had made Ide like him a little more; he could remember being that desperate to prove himself competent, and the Chief deserved the respect, it was good that the new guy could see that –

_Director Yagami was a good man_ , Tsuneki says, softly. _Misguided, of course, but all my contacts in the NPA spoke very highly of him. Tragic that Kira has not yet avenged his loss._

It doesn’t matter. Damn it. The Chief died thinking Raito was innocent and never dreaming that Matsuda would betray them. He never knew. He never will know. Nothing else is important.

_Matsuda knew the family well?_

_I… yes. I guess so. He’d spent a little more time with them than I had. And worked with Raito more, too._ Where is this going, where the hell is this going…

_It sounds like there was a bit of hero worship going on_ , Tsuneki says, smiling like it’s a private joke.

Ide keeps his voice blank again as he says, _Chief Yagami and Raito were both talented leaders. Matsuda had a lot of respect for them._

_He mentioned Raito was angry with him. In the last few days, this is._

_I… I suppose._ How much has Matsuda said? _Raito was concerned about the threat Mello posed. It was putting him under pressure._

Tsuneki nods. Leans forward a little.

_You know_ , he says, _one of the key tenets of Kira’s rule is that he does spare those who are sorry for their sins._

Their eyes meet. 

_Those who are sorry, and who demonstrate their commitment to being good citizens thereafter. Kira’s help doesn’t depend on **alliances** , on one person vouching for another. It depends on someone’s actions. On honesty. On faith._

He shifts position, leans forward a little.

_You know Matsuda well. You knew Yagami relatively well, despite your… ideological differences. Perhaps you should reflect on that. Perhaps you might be able to identify why a **talented leader** might take his own life. Or how a friendship might disintegrate enough that someone might… well, I’m not sure. People can react very badly to being disillusioned._

Ide’s heart is pounding. He manages to say, _Of course I’m as keen as you are to find out what could have happened. But I’ve told you all I know –_

_You should have more faith in yourself_ , Tsuneki is saying. _You might surprise yourself… and perhaps it would help you, as well. You must be aware that your current status is contingent on quite a lot. Matsuda and Yagami were the only ones vouching for you, weren’t they? You should think about making some more connections._

Ide wants to nod or say _thank you_ or something, anything, but he can’t move.

_I don’t think,_ Tsuneki says, sounding sympathetic now, like he knows just how angry Ide was with Matsuda the other day, _I don’t think you necessarily owe Matsuda anything. Of course, it was kind of him to take time for you. But I’m sure he’d understand that at some point you have to start thinking about your own future._

He knows. Or he suspects. He knows at least part of the truth and – he’s only chosen to tell Ide ( _warn me_ ) because – why _has_ he –

_Well_ , Tsuneki says. _Think about it a little._

Ide finds himself back in his room. It’s dark. He doesn’t want to put the light on. He can feel people’s eyes on him. He can feel the piece of paper crumpled in his pocket. After a while, he risks getting it out again, keeping it tucked under his fingers, letting his gaze fall on it naturally as if there's nothing there. Leans over to switch on the bedside lamp and sees, under his palm, ruled lines. If it’s not a piece of the notebook, it certainly looks exactly like it. And it’s blank. If it’s not the notebook, it’s useless.

Tsuneki could have tried to spook him to see what he’ll do, whether he’ll make a move to hide further secrets. Or because he wants to have proof that Matsuda’s guilty before he does anything (which is understandable when you believe Kira’s watching your every move). Or doesn’t even believe that Matsuda _is_ guilty, just wants him out of the way and figures Ide’s the route to doing that. Or, _or to say he’s given me a chance, and then I don’t take it, and that’s an excuse to get rid of me as well, he basically told me no one here gives a damn about what happens to me_ and _no_. No, he is not – he is not going to fall to pieces – _be scared later – if there is a later_ –

There’s fear and it is almost like he is stepping away from it, most of him left behind with its teeth in his chest but through that, behind that, he can follow one other thought: 

_You said you weren’t going to die here. So work out how to survive._

Tsuneki has told him the answer to that question is to give Matsuda up. Which is ridiculous. Ide’s life is nothing to these people. They were happy to see him shut away and they’d have been happy to see him collapse from a heart attack. They have no incentive to protect him now. (And if he does whatever they want and begs for his life and throws himself on their mercy they might kill him anyway, it’s not the solution, it’s not –)

_All right. If I’m not going to do that, then I have to convince them Kira’s still out there –_

He thinks, _I can’t just write down the name of some small-time criminal like it’s nothing_ but the thought doesn’t feel real. He could. _If it’s kill or be killed._ He can’t. Murdering a stranger to give yourself an alibi. Doing Kira’s work for him. 

_You’d hate yourself for it. Wouldn’t be worth living._

He doesn’t believe this. You can live through quite a bit, if you have to.

His hands are shaking. He’s sat alone trying not to go to pieces enough times that this won’t be an unusual sight to anyone watching, but he hardly wants someone to ask him what the matter is. Stands up. He’ll get changed, pretend to everyone he’s going to get a good night’s sleep. He’s reaching for pyjamas, and the piece of paper is out of his hand and under the pillow. 

All right. If he isn’t going to – to use the paper the way he just thought, then how is he going to?

There’s another very easy answer.

_If anyone deserves to die, it’s –_

_Matsuda even suggested it –_

Matsuda might even be expecting his name to be written down. Figuring Ide is still furious with him, wants revenge for his betrayal, or is just happy to use him that way. _I… I could. If – if that’s how –_

That probably isn’t true. Probably. He pictures writing down a stranger’s name, one of those people from the paper, and he feels cold but he doesn’t feel as horrified as he should be. He pictures writing down Matsuda’s name and he thinks he’ll be sick. He can actually believe he might not be able to live with himself. _Because you know Matsuda, because you’ve talked to him, because you slept with him and you thought for a while he was the only person you could trust, because him dying would be real and you’d know he was gone._ Nothing to do with whether it’s the right thing or not.

And all right, maybe he could live with killing a stranger in order to save himself, but kill a stranger in order to save the life of someone who has killed hundreds? That could be pretty damn difficult to live with (and if it’s not, it should be). It’s no different to Raito killing those FBI agents, Matsuda killing the SPK. _Just murder whoever you need to in order to get away with what you’ve done._ Perhaps Matsuda wants it to work out this way, is counting on Ide’s loyalty as though he has nothing to feel guilty about…

He’s lying down, switching off the bedside lamp, pretending he’s going to sleep. He isn’t going to fall asleep. Will he blink and see a shinigami standing in front of him? Stupid, childish fear, and yet… it’s like the power of the notebook is audible, like it hums in the air…

He breathes out again - it’s hard to catch his breath, as if he’s been running. He has to keep thinking his way through this. But he can’t stop noticing the sound of his own breathing. As if he’s waiting for it to stop. He is going to think his way through this –

The police and the Kira fanatics are looking for a killer. If he does nothing, that’s ultimately the same as turning Matsuda in. Actually, it’s probably worse: it gives Matsuda, when his back's to the wall, the opportunity to explain how Ide thought up the suicide story, and Ide doesn’t get a chance to show atonement by coming clean right away. Not to mention the thing that will give them both away will be the loss of Kira, and that’s what they’ll be punished for.

No one is going to help them.

So he has to do something.

_And if, if I did – if I did pin it on Matsuda –_ either by writing down his name or telling Tsuneki the truth – _it gets me nowhere._ He’ll prove himself a liar, and show he’s happy to throw a former ally under the bus, and he'll know a little too much about various aspects of the Kira regime, and it’ll look for a way to get rid of him. Or not even that. He turns Matsuda in, they make a pretense of offering him immunity to get him to spill every gory detail, and then once Matsuda’s out of the way they tell Ide they can’t forgive his part in the death, or his past anti-Kira alliance, _we have to make an example…_

And even if none of that happens, if Matsuda is, is executed and the faithful keep believing Kira is watching, just expecting humanity to do his work for him, then Ide gets to live by that rule, follow orders, keep his head down, behave like someone who believes Kira is righteous. With others watching him for signs of dissent. Tsuneki’s right that his connections to Raito and Matsuda won’t help him. God, if this power struggle is anything to go by, there’ll be someone else along to try and get what they can out of the new regime in a month or two, and Ide will be in exactly the same position as he is now. Takada and her group, maybe, Takada probably feeling if anyone’s going to be entrusted with Kira’s legacy it will be her, or someone else, several someones… 

It’s an argument for protecting Matsuda as well as himself. It’s not the real reason but it will do as well as anything.

Which means.

Which means –

Aizawa wouldn’t have let it cross his mind. Aizawa would have destroyed the paper, or thrown it back in Matsuda’s face. Aizawa didn’t give in to start with, he always said what he believed rather than what other people wanted to hear, _and Aizawa’s got the guts to die for what he thinks is right, we’ve been through this, I’ve given in once already..._

Exactly. He might as well as that he’s complicit in a bunch of deaths. He’s taken witness statements and sourced photographs and listed names and handed all of it over to Matsuda every night knowing what’s going to happen. Every image he chose not to hide he has sent that person to their death. Writing down a name now would only be one more person. And… and at least it would be... it would be self-defense, not devotion to a cause he's never believed in.

Which is just a way of dressing up the decision to kill someone else to protect himself. And now he’s imagining Raito smiling at him, saying something like _that sounds a lot like what you accuse me of doing – self-defense and being true to your own ideals – it’s just that you believe you’re in the right – you’re deciding who lives and who dies – you were only angry with Matsuda because that let you pretend you hadn’t really changed sides –_

Becoming Kira to save his own skin. Or because he cares about someone who doesn’t deserve it. Just like Matsuda. Would it be different if one of those photos in the paper had been of a genocidal dictator or a child-killer? It would still be murder but the pre-Kira world would have wanted someone like that to be punished harshly, it would be better than having to kill someone you know full well doesn’t deserve it. 

He would probably have written Raito’s name down in a heartbeat, given the chance. 

The horror of the notebook is that you can kill literally virtually anyone.

He’s got the power to kill virtually anyone and he feels as trapped as he did before and he hates them all for it. 

He rolls over, slides a hand under the pillow. Paper brushes his fingers. He lies still, trying to breathe slowly, clutching the piece of Note in one hand.


	13. Walking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He's trying to pretend that he's absolutely fine surrounded by people but too many times he knows someone must be watching and that by now his mistakes are uncountable."

This is the first time Ide has been in the main office since Raito’s death. The screens are gone. So is the blood. There's the faint dust of a new coat of paint on the wall. 

Someone with a warm voice and a confident handshake hopes he's keeping well after the difficult events of the recent weeks. Would like to explain a few things. 

Ide will appreciate the concerns in Kira’s administration at present. Yagami’s death, combined with the veil of secrecy surrounding his day-to-day activities, has left little doubt in everyone’s mind that he was taking advantage of Kira’s rule for his own ends. _Even now we’re unable to access most of the systems he set up. Much of the data has actually been lost due to his stringent security measures. But it clearly demonstrates he had a lot to hide. Only Kira knows the full story, I imagine._

Ide nods and says that’s very likely.

_You'll appreciate the need for good leadership during times like these. Kira is clearly displeased by how things have played out thus far, and we need to show Him we recognise that. Plus, the public eye… it's extremely important that Kira is not associated with corruption, with anyone scheming to take power for themselves at His expense, or trying to set themselves up as able to make His decisions. Recent events have made that very clear. Currently, I am taking on management responsibilities in the interim, but that’s pending further commands from Kira._

_Matsuda's still extremely upset by... what happened, and I'm sorry to say that I don't think he has a role to play. My understanding is that you lived here primarily at his request? While Kira will offer shelter to anyone who needs it, I think we can all agree that both of you would be better off elsewhere. Think of it as a new start._

Ide understands. He understands completely, and quite agrees that Matsuda especially would be served by taking some time away from… all of this. However, there's –

_My... my other colleague. Aizawa. He – is he –_

_He's still alive, yes._

_I'm... I'm concerned for his... I doubt it would benefit you to keep him here, and... I think it would make it easier for Matsuda to... to depart if both Aizawa and I were with him. After all... after all, he – if Kira wanted to – to judge him, then it would be easy. He doesn't need to be here for..._

He is desperately trying to keep his voice steady, picking out word after word like digging for splinters, but his listener is nodding: _in the early days of a new organisation, one has to draw a line. Afterwards, perhaps there can be mercy. Of course –_ eyes meet his, narrowing – _Mercy can only be shown if no reason is given to suspect it would be foolish to do so. People should be aware of their good fortune. People should show the appropriate gratitude._

Ide thinks over and over again of the way that he said, _I quite understand. You won't have anything to worry about on that front. Certainly, I’m extremely grateful for all that you’re doing._ He thinks of that and how he didn't even think of being angry at how he was expected to thank them for their hospitality and for not murdering him. The moment sits in his thoughts like a pebble and he knows why he said it and he knows that he had to say it but he can’t stop thinking about it.

_You're welcome to take the personal effects you've been provided with. Perhaps if you begin packing, I'll inform your colleagues that they'll be departing._ Ide is nodding and letting himself be walked back to his room and the door shuts behind him. 

This isn’t actually happening. This isn’t real. 

It’s a sunny day and the light is crisp and clear and it makes everything feel new.

He is watching himself. He is thinking that he’s probably going to die, that there is no way that he’ll be allowed to walk out of here alive, as if he could have done that any time. He is probably going to die and he should reconcile himself to that. 

Simultaneously the sunlight is too beautiful and bright for him to believe the world isn’t fundamentally a good place. As if that’s all it takes.

He watches these thoughts rise and fall and remembers that he’s supposed to be packing.

He doesn’t want to bring anything from here away with him. Some of the clothes and things brought from his apartment were his to begin with but they don’t feel like that now. If he’s leaving this place, he wants to be different once he’s away from it. 

They told him to pack and so he probably should. 

Plus he has no idea what's happened to said apartment by now: whether he's been assumed missing, or whether Raito told the landlord he was moving out or what. The things in this room that he is allowed to take might be the only possessions he's got left.

It doesn’t take long to put the stuff in a couple of carrier bags. He sits on the bed and waits. The house is quiet. It’s been quiet a lot, lately, as if without Raito no one else is really here.

Aizawa had better say the right things. Or, at the very least, not make overt threats. Perhaps he’ll have been beaten down enough to keep his mouth shut. Or to make any stubbornness seem pathetic. 

There's a knock on the door. _Time to go. There's a taxi waiting._

Aizawa and Matsuda are waiting in the hallway. Ide hasn't seen Aizawa since before Raito died and he hasn't seen Matsuda since that last time in the cell and it’s as though he’s forgotten what they both looked like. Or like he's approaching two strangers. Both of them have clearly been allowed to shave and take a shower, been given clean clothes, not recently been on the wrong end of someone's fists, but they both... Ide can't make the people's he's seeing now match up with the people in his head. 

Both of them look... hollowed-out. And like they aren't bothered by appearing like that, which makes it even worse. Matsuda is huddled over, arms folded tightly across his chest, gazing at the floor. Aizawa is staring fixedly at the opposite wall as if he's alone. 

When Ide comes into view they both look at him like – well, perhaps it's only relief that he's alive. A moment later, Aizawa is glancing away, scowling. Perhaps he thought he was being pitied. Ide isn't pitying him. Ide is just thinking how much Aizawa would hate him if he knew exactly what had happened here over the last couple of weeks. Matsuda is staring down at his feet again like he's ashamed to meet anyone's eyes.

“There's a taxi outside, they said.” He sounds awkward, like he's desperately trying to pretend everything is normal. After a few moments, the other two get to their feet. 

Outside. Ide feels like he hasn't been outside the house for ages (and surely they aren't just going to let him leave). Matsuda doesn't look up, trails out with his eyes fixed on the ground. Aizawa _flinches_ , as if it's too hot or too bright, and Ide sees him stumble, dead white.

“It's... it's all right,” he says, and he sounds patronizing just because he doesn't know what to say ( _I get it, you feel like the walls should be there_ ) and so he probably deserves Aizawa almost shouting at him, “I'm _fine_ , all right, I'm fine –” His voice cracks and he shoves past Ide, down towards the taxi. 

“Where are we going?” he demands as they catch up with him.

Ide has no idea where they're going. 

“You should probably see a doctor,” he begins, “after what –”

“No.”

“Aizawa –”

“Don't,” Aizawa says through gritted teeth, “don't start telling me what to do. As if you know it all –” 

“All right. Fine. We... you should...” 

Oh, god, does Aizawa's family think he's _dead_?

“Matsuda,” he says, trying to keep his voice low and calm like that will fix everything, “what did you – what did the Kira lot tell his wife?”

Matsuda doesn't move for a few seconds. Looks up at them. Blank, resigned.

“We. We didn't tell them anything,” he says after a few more seconds. “She came and... and asked. At the NPA. I think they just said they had nothing to say to her.”

“You mean – you mean all this time she's had no clue where he is? Whether he's alive or not? You didn't even tell her he was, I don't know, being held for questioning?”

Matsuda shakes his head, not looking at them and Ide hears Aizawa snarl, “You –” and can read him well enough to grab him before he can actually throw a punch. “Stop it. Stop it.” Aizawa feels bony, brittle. _You left him there and let him starve –_ “It won't help. We'll take you home, you can explain –”

Aizawa, shaking with fury, spits out, “Explain _what_ , that he – that I've –” He wrenches himself free, or tries to, snarls, “Let go of me, why are you standing up for him –”

“I'm not. But starting a fight here won’t help.” He indicates the taxi, the driver not watching with bafflement or suspicion or amusement like you would expect but just staring straight ahead, waiting. “We need to go –” 

Aizawa glares at him for a moment, then, all at once, turns away from Matsuda. “Fine. Whatever.” Pulls the taxi door open, climbs into the back. He’s still shaking. Matsuda looks at him and then back at the ground.

“Matsuda. Come on. You’re the one who knows the most about what’s happened.” 

He didn’t mean it to sound like he’s justifying why Matsuda should come with them, like he's considering leaving him behind.

“We’re not… we’re not going to mine,” Aizawa says when Ide gets into the taxi. “Not now. Not…”

_Not with me like this_ , Ide guesses. 

“Well… all right. I suppose…” 

He doesn’t know what he supposes. He doesn’t know why doing something as simple as thinking of a destination is so difficult. Well, all right, he _does_ know, it has been weeks since he’s had a choice about where to go or when, but it still shouldn’t be this hard –

Matsuda, huddled in the front passenger seat, still doesn’t look at them, but says, dully, “There’s your apartment.”

“It’s still mine, then?” 

“Yes,” Matsuda says, even more quietly. “Nothing’s changed. The lease is… is still… so we could go there. You could go there.”

Aizawa is silent, as if no one's spoken. 

The apartment doesn’t feel like home, although Ide doesn’t think he expected it to. It smells of closed doors and empty rooms and someone has thrown out whatever food there was in the fridge, opened the post and piled it up on the table, searched through the clothes. 

Neither of his companions look any happier, but Matsuda’s the only one with any cash on him – a fat pile of bills, _paid off to keep quiet_ , so Ide sends him out with a shopping list, ordering him not to talk to anyone and wondering when the real Matsuda, the one who’s eager to be helpful and will suggest they get doughnuts or booze, is going to come back. As the door closes behind him Ide turns to Aizawa and steels himself to suggest again just _possibly_ considering seeing a doctor but Aizawa cuts in first: “Why the _hell_ is he with us?”

Ide stares at him and Aizawa snarls, “Don’t look at me like that. You know who I mean.”

Ide is suddenly so tired it feels like he’s bleeding out. “They wanted all three of us gone. Raito’s dead. So is –” His throat feels like it’s closing up but he hears himself say, quite calmly, “So is another of the higher-ups who tried to take leadership too obviously. People are looking for opportunities. No one’s going to see Matsuda as an asset when… when he was so…” 

He shouldn’t have started saying that.

“When he was so loyal to Raito,” Aizawa says. “Right?”

It’s strange how much it hurts to hear it when it’s exactly what Ide was expecting, when he knows it’s true.

It feels like much later that he swallows and is saying, “Well, Raito gave the impression of trusting him. And Matsuda’s devastated –”

“He’s devastated,” Aizawa says, flatly. “That’s what your concern is? He betrayed us, he sold us out to Kira, he got Mogi killed, he’s a coward and a liar and you’re worrying about _his_ feelings?”

Aizawa isn’t even asking about what happened to Raito, or how he himself wasn’t killed. Ide had known – of course – that Aizawa would hate Matsuda for what he’d done but this is the first time he’s seen his friend so distracted by loathing of one person. _If you knew everything that had happened –_

“I’m not worrying about him,” he says, wishing he sounded like he isn’t lying. “But he knows a lot more than us about what’s been going on in the world. What the Kira supporters have been up to. Not to mention he’s the only one with any money on him. And we hardly want to ditch him and find out he told all his troubles to the first sympathetic ear, do we?”

Aizawa glowers at him and then turns away, fists clenched. Ide pretends he has to check the kitchen cupboards for something. Eventually he hears Aizawa say, almost miserably, “I don’t understand how you can be so calm around him. I, I swear to God I… every time I look at him I want to kill him, and… you had it as bad as me, and you know what he did, so how –”

“I’ve been around him more than you since… since things changed.” He sounds like he’s lying. “You can get used to a lot. You know that.”

Silence for a few moments. Ide is still just looking at the wall, at the cupboards, at anywhere but Aizawa. At last his friend says, “No, I don’t.”

“Aizawa…”

“I don’t _get used_ to someone who – god, how long was I – no, never mind, I don’t want to know –”

“He kept us alive, all right?”

“Yeah, because he hadn’t even got the guts to commit properly to Kira’s side – oh, state-sanctioned murder is fine but it makes you feel bad if it’s people you _know_ –”

“I know!” Ide yells it and then wishes he hadn’t, it jangles his thoughts as if someone else had shouted, or as if he’s just blurted out everything – deep breath. Another. “I know. I said all this too, okay? I said it to his face. And he knew I was right. He just –” _He just got in too deep_ or _He just didn’t think_ – or, or _he just cared a lot about someone else and he just wanted to keep them safe..._

Fortunately Aizawa is already talking over him: “He was just too much of a coward to face up to it. Fine. Make all the excuses for him you want.” As if that’s all Ide’s been saying. 

“By the way,” Aizawa continues, “why wasn't I killed? Didn't think Raito had it in him to be the merciful type. Unless he just wanted to screw with my head by keeping me... keeping me guessing...” Ide hears him swallow, and tries not to think about what a nightmare is must be to be told you're going to die within a few hours and then be kept waiting for it for days...

“Didn't you listen? Raito's dead,” he says, instead. He sounds irritated, like he hasn't spent weeks having Aizawa only half-listen to him. The irritation is just defensiveness. He should have tried to see Aizawa, to let him know, but he was too preoccupied with – with everything else –

(And he couldn't face him –)

“Is he really? Or is this another elaborate scheme?”

Ide is about to explain what happened and he actually starts, “Matsuda –” before it hits him that they might still be listening. They might have the apartment bugged. They – they'd figure he'd come back here and – sure, they've given the impression that they don't care whether he lives or dies but – if they heard the truth –

“Matsuda said that Raito took his gun from him and shot himself in the head. Right in front of him.”

Aizawa stares at him. “That's ridiculous. Raito wouldn't do that.”

“He would if Kira wanted him to,” Ide says, and turns to glare at him, tap his ear, mouth _bugs_. Aizawa blinks, looks incredulously round, but he doesn’t say anything, so Ide has to continue: “Then – then this other guy, this Tsuneki, he started throwing his weight around, acting like he was Raito's successor. Kira's right-hand man. He died –” It's fine, he can say it, just saying it is nothing – “He died the next night. Heart attack. He left a... a note.”

“Saying?”

Ide can remember carefully noting down each character, by lamplight, pretending he can't sleep, pretending he's making notes in the margin of one of the books Matsuda brought him. He took the time to actually write notes, trying to think what might catch him out, except that it stopped being about that and became just that he was trying to put off the moment of putting pen to notepaper. In the end he realised he had to do it because he was getting sleepy and the whole thing was starting to feel like a dream. 

“It said, _No more. I'm watching._ ”

Aizawa is frowning and Ide can see what he's thinking. That Raito was already dead by that point. That he hadn't expected to die, was unlikely to have set this other person’s death in advance. That that kind of moralising had never been Kira's style, and that very few people would know how Kira kills and how to make use of it that way –

“They thought Matsuda might have killed Raito,” he says, hastily, throwing words into the silence before Aizawa can speak. “Tsuneki was pushing for that, I think. It would have suited his agenda. He was trying to talk me into saying I thought that might have happened. But it didn't. Tsuneki died so everyone figures Kira knows the truth. And Matsuda’s still alive. So he clearly didn’t do anything.”

Aizawa is looking at him like he's a stranger.

Ide makes himself stare back. As if he's got nothing to be ashamed of.

“You need to eat something,” he says. “Eat, and get your head together, and then you can go home.”

Aizawa doesn’t answer.

“Aizawa, for god’s sake –”

“You know what?” Aizawa’s voice is quiet but Ide can tell he is still furious. “I reckon I’ll go now. After all, you’ve told me all I need to know. So there’s not much point in me staying.” He gets to his feet, so suddenly that he nearly knocks over the chair. “Matsuda will be back soon and actually I don’t want to be around him more than I can help.”

“He’s not –”

“And give it a rest with the excuses for him!” Aizawa yells, shoving the chair away from him so that it does fall over this time. “Is that why you’re giving him a pass now? He shot Raito and killed someone else to cover it up and that fixes everything? For all you know he shot Raito because he decided he didn’t want to be the one taking the orders any more!” He’s striding forward and Ide knows that he isn’t dangerous and they’re on the same side (maybe, once) but he is backing away anyway, his hands clammy, and he’s saying, “Stop it. Stop it.” A voice that doesn’t sound like his is carrying on, “It was Kira. It was all Kira. It wasn’t Matsuda. It was Kira,” and that dreadful feeling of being outside your own head, of having nothing to stand on, is back, as if he’s just run out of energy to pretend things are all right. “It was all Kira –” _His fingers ache, he’s gripping the pen too hard, he’s still got one character left to write, he could back out of this –_

Back in the kitchen. He can feel the floor under his feet and his ears are ringing but he doesn’t think he’s actually going to black out. _It was Kira. It was all Kira._ Aizawa has stepped back a little.

“Right,” he says at last, voice tight. “Good to know where you stand.”

Ide doesn’t have the strength to reply to that.

“How are you going to get home?” he asks, instead. This is a valid question or this is asking something he knows will destabilise Aizawa and stop the conversation deteriorating further. _If they heard – if anyone heard –_ “Walk for miles? Hitch a lift? You don’t look any more normal than me, you know. Hope someone’s home and can pay the fare? Do you even have a key any more?”

“I’m fine, all right? I’ll be fine – I’ll –” Aizawa swallows, licks his lips. “I’ll, I’ll…”

“Or you can call your wife from here, ask her to come pick you up, explain over the phone where the hell you’ve been all this time –” The anger’s back, now. Aizawa can be so superior when it’s only thanks to what Ide and Matsuda did that he’s here now – _Matsuda didn’t have to save you – could have let you die – you talk like it was so easy to know what to do –_

Aizawa turns away from him and for a moment he looks like he’s going to kick the chair across the room. But he doesn’t. Only says, through gritted teeth, “All right. I’ll wait here. Do me a favour and shut up about – about all of this.”

“I’ll be glad to.”

He turns away, starts looking through the kitchen cupboards again, like he’s trying to spot changes, see what they moved around. After a few moments he hears Aizawa pick up the fallen chair, pace back and forth a little: towards the balcony, then away. His breathing is rougher. Ide isn’t going to apologise and he isn’t expecting an apology either but, when he goes to sit down at the table and start looking through the post, he does say, “I was a mess when they let me out. Worse than… But it… things improved. I went back to work and… things improved.” He’s not sure that’s entirely true but he owes Aizawa something.

When Matsuda comes back, Aizawa, slumped on the couch now, arms resting on his knees, doesn’t look at him. Matsuda doesn’t seem to notice. He lets Ide tell him where to put the shopping and what to do with it as if he’s thinking about something else. While Ide and Aizawa eat at the table, he goes to sit on the couch, wrapping his arms round himself as if he's cold. Ide keeps glancing over at him to see if he's all right and then remembering that that's only going to make Aizawa angrier. 

***

They take Aizawa back home in the early evening. He looks greyer and sicker the closer they get to the house and when the taxi stops he doesn’t move for a few moments. 

“I’ll come with you, if you want,” Ide says.

Aizawa doesn’t answer, but he wrenches the door open and slams it hard enough to make the vehicle shake. Walks up the path to the front door. Rings the bell and waits. When Eriko opens the door Ide sees her go dead white and then she has her arms round Aizawa, and she’s crying as hard as if she’s just been told he’s never coming back after all. Aizawa doesn’t move to hug her back, he doesn’t move at all.

Ide asks the taxi to stop a few blocks from his apartment. The sun’s still out, cold orange light. Matsuda stands on the pavement, still silent, still staring at the ground. As the car drives away, Ide says, “I thought we could walk the rest of the way.”

“Okay,” Matsuda whispers.

Ide had thought he wanted to talk without the threat of eavesdroppers, but now he doesn’t know what to say. They walk in silence for a while and the stillness and the sunset and the hum of traffic in the distance makes it feel like a dream again, as if he’s going to wake up back at the house. Then he starts feeling too frightened to speak and then he's angry with himself for being useless. 

“Are you –” Clearly not _all right_. “How are you feeling?”

Silence for a few moments before Matsuda says, “I don't...”

His voice trails off. Ide isn't going to go back to them walking in silence. “Never mind. That was a stupid question. Did anyone – I mean, did they leave you alone or...” He hopes there wasn't an _or_. He doesn't think he can face it, even if it happened to someone else.

“Yeah,” Matsuda says. “Just came in to... to bring food. I think they were waiting for me to... for something to happen to me. But... you told me not to. Right? That – that is what you meant?” Looking warily round as if he really thinks Ide is going to say, _no, you were meant to die_. Well, perhaps he does. Given how Raito sometimes spoke to him.

“I... yes. I didn't want you to... do anything stupid.”

Matsuda nods. 

“I...” He stops. Takes a shaky breath. 

“It wouldn't... it wouldn't have been stupid, though. Would it?”

Ide only just manages not to shout as he snaps back, “Of course it would, I told you, how it would look –”

“No. No. Not... that's not what I meant.” Matsuda's shivering. “I mean that... afterwards, after Raito was... before we talked, I was thinking and... and I realised how you were… you right. About... about everything. What I did.”

“Matsuda –”

“And I kept saying you were wrong and kept acting like I knew what I was doing and you must've hated me, _I_ hate me, and I was going to show you I was sorry, that I meant it, I wasn't just saying it because I needed you to help me –” The words stumble across each other, so close together there's barely any breath. “I managed to tear a bit of paper off, I was pretending to sleep, and then I was going to try and write down my name and I was figuring I’d have to be careful about, you know, I’d have to use blood and what if I got caught before I finished writing, or, or they’d find the notebook, even if I did die they’d find it on me and then you might… so I didn’t try. And you came and said that stuff and I was still holding the paper so I gave it to you. But it wasn't because I thought – like I didn't deserve to die after all, and I couldn't tell you and –” His voice is unsteady, he's digging his nails into his arms and Ide grabs his shoulder, shakes him a little. 

“Stop it,” he says. “Stop it. I don't want you to die. You don't need to do anything to... to show anything.”

Matsuda glances away from him, like he knows Ide's wrong and doesn't want to call him out on it. Ide realises he's standing in the street clutching someone and hastily lets go. “Come on. Let's get back.”

“Ide,” Matsuda says at last.

“What?”

“i just said,” Matsuda says, flatly. “You were right. Everything you said when you found out, you were right. Only… only you had to pretend you didn’t think that. Because you needed me to stick up for you to Raito.”

Ide walks a little faster so they don't have to look at each other. You'd think it would feel good having someone admit that they behaved terribly to you but it's just making him angry all over again, a kind of _you knew, you knew exactly what you were doing, you knew exactly what you wanted me to say_ fury and then the fear, as well, as if Raito isn't dead at all, as if he's about to write Ide's name down and no one can stop him –

“I know,” he is saying, from far away on the sunset-lit street. “What's your point?”

“You can. You can stop. Pretending.” Matsuda still sounds like he can't get enough air. “You saved me. You made them think... so I can't do anything. If I did you could tell them the truth. So you can do what you want. You don't need to be nice to me to... to keep safe any more.”

Ide nearly does start yelling at him now. Do what he wants? How the hell is he meant to know what he wants? What he wants is for none of this to have happened, and, sure, he could hate Matsuda for it as much as Aizawa does, but what would the point? Matsuda expects that, will just accept any cruelty thrown his way, maybe even wants it, wants to be miserable because he thinks that will start redressing a balance. Ide can hate and hate and it won't do any good. 

And besides, what he also wants is to be alive, and Matsuda's saved him at least once. Possibly twice – Ide has difficulty believing Raito wouldn't have found an excuse to kill him almost immediately after Aizawa had died – and that counts for something. And – and how the hell can he start lecturing Matsuda now he's – after he's –

( _He feels like he barely sleeps but he's woken by someone yelling for help and he knows they've found Tsuneki's body. It's like a fever rushing over him and no one comes to the room so he just stays lying still for what seems like hours, listening to hurrying footsteps and sirens and shouting voices._

_Eventually he finds himself standing up. Dressed. He's not feeling much of anything now, as if the fever has burnt itself out. He's thinking that he needs to know what's going on. If they suspect him, he needs to burn the paper. If they suspect Matsuda... if they suspect Matsuda, who's killed so many already..._

_On the landing. He's not supposed to be wandering around the house. He's supposed to stay where he's told. But no one has told him anything because everyone is too scared. Below him, somewhere in the hallway, two people are arguing. **It was a heart attack. We've seen before, Kira has made people write confessions – notes – he can communicate through a death. Kira killed Tsuneki and that's all there is to it –**_

_**Bullshit – Tsuneki did nothing to Kira – it's, it's, this is a set-up – someone's trying to frame him –** _

_**Do you want to say that a bit louder? Make sure Kira can hear you? Or we'll let the cops know, you think you know better than Kira, that's blasphemy, remember –**_

_A pause, and then this speaker carries on, **I get it. You're frightened. You thought because you were part of this circle you were safe. We, we just have to face facts, no one's safe, because Kira's... Kira's righteous that way. Yagami, now Tsuneki, throwing their weight around, making judgements... we'll be cautious, we'll make no more moves until Kira gives us a sign...**_

_And Ide is walking quickly back to his room because he is thinking that he knows the names and faces of a decent number of the people who work here, or at the NPA, and he could kill one a day, one an hour, all of them **within** an hour, the bastards who beat on him before, anyone, everyone, and they'd be terrified and most of him knows that it would be useless and dangerous as well as immoral but a small part of him wants some other people to be feeling as scared as he is right now –_ )

“Please,” Matsuda is saying. “Please believe me. You don't have to be scared any more.”

Ide hears himself think, quite calmly, _the idiot, how can he think that's true._ As if the rational, sane part of his mind has just given up. There's always something to be scared of. At least Matsuda knows that he thinks this way, understands it. Perhaps is the only one who understands it.

“Let's just get back,” he says. “You look terrible. You should eat something, and then...” He doesn't know about _and then_. Try and remember how you live your life when you're not in thrall to Kira. 

“I'm not hungry,” Matsuda says, and Ide wonders if he's eaten much of anything these last few days. He doesn't look like it. Before he can start arguing this, Matsuda carries on, “Look, you don't have to – I mean, I'm going to call my parents, explain I... need a place to stay. You're probably sick of the sight of me –”

“No,” Ide says, too quickly. “You might as well stay at mine for now.”

If Matsuda leaves, then he'll just rerun the last few days, waiting, worrying, thinking about – and Matsuda could do something stupid, he might be lying about going to his family, he might just go straight to the nearest station and jump under a train and – as soon as Ide has thought that it's like he knows it's going to happen as soon as Matsuda leaves his sight. 

“Just,” he snaps, “just stay, all right?”

He glares round at Matsuda and sees the other man looking at him like this is something else he needs to be sorry for. Begins to say, “Ide, I –” and then stop, visibly bite off the words. “Sure. If you're happy with it.”

They walk in silence. Almost back at the apartment block. Ide wants to get inside and he doesn't. Being out here feels like anyone can take a clear shot at him, but – it's the silence, like he noticed before, the way Matsuda's hardly said a word until now, as if he's not really there. That's frightening like everything else is right now. Before, when he was let out, and everything was much worse, and Matsuda just, he just made it all right, even if it wasn't really all right at all. If he's not really there, if he can't make it all right, then it's – it's never going to be all right, and you surely can't live with being this scared for ever –

He has to say something because he can't bear to think and so he demands, “What have you done with the notebook?”

“I brought it with me,” Matsuda says, and Ide can't believe he didn't guess this. The thought of the damn thing lying around the apartment like it's nothing – 

“Right. Okay,” he's saying at last, trying to sound like this is fine, like he can deal with it. “The shinigami don’t care about it?”

Matsuda shakes his head. “I mean, Ryuk wouldn’t mind having it… but he has his own so… it doesn’t matter. I dunno. I reckon if we just left it, one of them might come and want it back. But it’s… it’s still mine right now.”

“All right. If – if we burn it, then what –”

Matsuda blinks, turns to stare at him for a moment. 

“What else are we going to do with it? I thought you’d never want to see it again.” _I certainly never want to see it again._ “If it’s safe to do it –”

“The rule about burning it,” Matsuda says at last, warily, “that rule’s not real. Ryuk wrote it in for Raito so that Ryuzaki wouldn’t just burn the notebook when he got it.”

“Okay. Good. And no one else knows about it? You… you’ve just kept it with you, they didn’t search you or anything?”

“No one knows,” Matsuda says. “Rai... Raito always said to keep it secret.”

“All right. As soon as we get inside, give it to me.” Ide’s walking ahead of him again, trying not to run. Burning it won’t undo everything, it won’t undo anything, but it will be a start.

Matsuda is trailing behind him and Ide looks back to see him bite his lip.

“You don’t need it,” Ide says to him, trying not to sound as angry as he feels. “No one needs it. It’s monstrous.” And, hating himself for this: “If you’re really sorry about what you did –” They are _not_ keeping it, he has to get Matsuda to listen –

Matsuda looks like he's been slapped as he says, “I am. Really. I just...”

“Well, what is it? Is it the Eyes? I mean – do you get to keep them or –” You have to – _god_ , you have to give up half your life. Matsuda's given up half his life – he's not going to think about that, he's not going to start doing calculations – And besides, he doesn't care if Matsuda wants to keep the trade, that notebook is going to be burned –

But Matsuda is shaking his head. “No. No, I won’t keep them, but I don’t… I don’t care about that.” He glances quickly at Ide, then away. “I don’t like seeing the…” and Ide realises what he’s looking at and is suddenly cold all over.

“It’s fine,” Matsuda says, taking a deep breath. “You’re right. Let’s do it.”

The apartment is still too quiet and Ide still doesn’t feel like it has anything to do with him. But he doesn’t need to think about that this time. He can focus on Matsuda hurrying over to the bag he brought, searching through it, and, finally holding out a familiar black shape. He takes it and fights the urge to flick through the pages. It isn’t as if they’ll tell him anything he doesn’t know (column after column of names in Matsuda’s handwriting). He walks over to the sink, searches for matches. He can feel Matsuda watching him as if he’s waiting for something. 

_What if he’s lying, what if it will kill you to burn it, what if he hates you for making him kill Raito –_

He's almost sure that's insane – and Matsuda could have taken any number of chances to kill him by now – and just touching the notebook is making him feel sick (so many names, you could kill hundreds and hundreds just in a day and kid yourself you'd done nothing at all) – 

He lights a match, touches it to the black cover. Drops the notebook into the sink and flames start to wash over it. It doesn’t feel like he’s unleashing a curse. It doesn’t feel like much except being childishly destructive for the sake of it. 

The notebook stops being paper and a shape and crumbles into red ash and Ide looks round at Matsuda.

And he sees his entire face change. The blankness, the exhaustion, it falls away and he’s _him_ again, wide-eyed and panicked and staring wildly round the room:

“Ide… Ide, we’re… where are we?”

Ide stares at him and Matsuda stares back, tries to force a grin: “I know it sounds crazy but I can't... I… no, I… I remember this is your place but… god, I feel like…”

He staggers over to the table, rests his hands on it like he’s scared he’ll faint. 

“Okay,” he says, voice shaking. “Okay, I can’t… I think I’ve... I think I might be going a bit…” He’s shaking. “I don’t remember how…”

Ide is stumbling over to him like he knows what the hell he’s supposed to do, like he knows what's even happened. Matsuda just, just reset to some earlier moment, like none of it ever happened – is this an actual breakdown or some bizarre coping mechanism or –

He can smell the faint remains of the smoke. 

The notebook. 

Give it up and you forget you ever saw it. So destroying it must be the same. No wonder Raito was so keen to stop the task force getting rid of it years ago. And – and Matsuda must have had the damn thing for weeks –

“It's all right,” he’s saying. On autopilot. He has no idea if it's all right. “Calm down.” He’s taking Matsuda’s arm, pushing him to sit down. Has Matsuda just forgotten the entirety of the last couple of months? From his perspective was he in the task force HQ a second ago, waiting for the rest of them to get back from New York? You surely couldn't just forget all of what's happened to them –

“What do you remember?” he says. Trying to sound calm. Like someone who knows what’s going on. He doesn't feel calm. His heart's going double time.

“I don't know,” Matsuda is gasping. “I don't remember anything, I – I can't think –”

“I said, calm down. You – you do remember some things, okay? I mean… you remember that we were – that we were on the Kira task force. You remember the first L.” Matsuda nods, and Ide carries on, feeling himself blush, “You remember that after he died, you and Raito, you, the two of you were…” Matsuda nods again, quickly, as if he’s embarrassed. “All right, and you were, uh, together for about the last five years, while we’ve been working the case, and…”

_And._

“Do things start becoming harder to remember in the last few months or so?”

Matsuda nods. “Ye... yeah. Right after –” 

He stops, puts a hand to his mouth like he's going to be sick.

“I can't,” he says, through his fingers. “I can't, you'll hate me, I... I think I messed up – really badly this time –”

God, it would be so nice to say _no, you didn't_ and have it be true.

“Then you know that you need to explain. We can't sort things out until we know what's actually happened.” Calm. Sensible. As if there was ever a hope of fixing any of this. 

Matsuda takes a deep, shaking breath and says, voice cracking on the last word: 

“I found out Raito was Kira.”

Ide nods, and Matsuda carries on, “I found out and he was begging me not to tell. And I knew I was going to have to but I... I didn't know what to do. He was so scared...” He takes another breath. “Okay, that's... that's when it starts going weird. He said I should kill him straight off if I was going to tell and I didn’t know what to do because I couldn't do that and then… then I can't... it's like I just stopped noticing what was happening.”

Which proves it was the notebook. Not that they needed any proof. Not really.

“I didn't...” Matsuda says, “I didn't tell. I can't have done because you would've locked him up if you'd known and... so I... I think I must have decided I'd just... let him be Kira.” He swallows. “That’s it, isn’t it? I didn’t want anything to happen to him because I… because I was really fond of him and so I just went along with…”

Ide wants to answer but how can he say anything other than _Yes, you did_? In the silence, Matsuda carries on, a little less frantically, “Or maybe I was scared. I mean, I probably was pretty scared. Maybe he told me he’d kill me if I did anything. If he was Kira he could kill me easily.”

Still silence. 

It's not like Ide doesn't know how to fill the gaps. 

_He made you Kira. He made you Kira and asked you to kill for him and that's what you did. That's what you've been doing for weeks._

He can't just –

How do you even start to say something like that? And – and what the hell are you going to do once the other person starts to process it? At least before Matsuda had known how he ended up like this, he'd still been the same person who'd made the choice. Now – you tell someone something like that and then what do you expect them to do with the knowledge?

“Yes,” he says. “You were scared.” He can still hear the things he isn't saying. He talks over them. “All right, do you remember being at Raito’s house?”

“I… yeah, kind of.”

“Kind of?”

Matsuda swallows again and speaks slowly, carefully, as if he's frightened he'll fall. “Like... like I was only half there. You know when you zone out driving, or locking your front door or something? And then you can sort of remember you were doing it but yet you can’t because you weren’t noticing it? It’s, it’s like that. But... but it’s been _weeks_ , it's... I know it's been weeks, I don’t get how I could’ve just forgotten weeks and weeks of stuff –” Running his hands through his hair. “I was _there_ , I remember doing things, I don't understand why –”

“You were scared.” Like that makes up for anything. “It... it was a shock, finding out. And Raito could have killed you at... at any time. Stress, it... it does things to...”

Matsuda nods, though like he doesn't quite believe it, closes his eyes for a moment. Thinking his way through the past. Surely there'll be some trace of what happened. Surely it's not that simple.

Matsuda is looking at him, suddenly, warily, and Ide thinks that he must have worked it out but then he only says, “You... you've been pretty stressed yourself. Haven't you.”

There's no way Ide is going to say _yes_ but he probably doesn't need to. Matsuda is nodding. “They... you and Aizawa and Mogi, you were... because they knew you'd been hunting Kira. I was trying to... to help you...” He turns red. “We've been... you know. That's true, right?”

Ide nods, quickly glances away. Please don't let them retell that story. He's blushing as well. 

“Okay, good,” Matsuda says. “Because... because I really, I think I really...like you.” 

This is not helping anything. Ide can feel his face burning because he is – he is actually grateful that Matsuda has said this – he actually wants to believe it –

And that’s ridiculous because it was all a lie, what they had, and Matsuda won't remember that it was all a lie, and yet how can it not be? Matsuda will have forgotten the motivation for keeping it going. Matsuda will ask himself what he’s doing, why he started doing it, as soon as he’s not in shock from sudden amnesia.

“Ide,” Matsuda says, more quietly. “It's... it was really bad. What... what happened to you. I know you're not going to admit it but it was. They... they were hurting you and I didn't do anything.”

Ide turns away, trying to pretend there's a reason for doing so, like switching on the light, but he suspects it's blatantly obvious he just doesn't want to tell Matsuda that he's right.

“So I...” Matsuda carries on, “so I found out Raito was Kira and I didn't do anything and so... so I just let us all get caught. And Raito was... was telling me that everything was all right and I must have wanted to believe it. I guess if he was – if bad things were happening to the rest of you I guess I was too much of a coward to, to stick my neck out. I was just letting him... like it didn't even _matter_ that he was Kira. And, and Mogi died, and Aizawa hates my guts, I remember today, he's been acting like I'm not in the room and that's fine, I get that, but... you said I could stay at your house. You're... you've been asking me how I am. I mean – if you hate me you can just say it.”

Ide says, knowing it barely begins to cover any of what's happened, “Well, I don't hate you.”

He's still not looking at Matsuda, so it makes him jump a little when the other man says, “Is that just because I killed Raito?” Said almost as if it's not important. As if it's sad, but not the devastation that Ide knows it was.

“No, it’s not just because of that. Although I’m certainly – grateful to you for stopping him killing me and Aizawa.”

“But you want to know why I didn't stand up to him sooner,” Matsuda says. 

“No, I –”

“You don't have to pretend.” Matsuda's voice is roughening a little; Ide looks round to see his hands have curled into fists. “I certainly want to know. I just – I just stood by and watched it all, like it didn't matter, like I didn't even try and do the right thing. I thought I'd... I'd stand up for what's right, if it came to it. I really did.” He swallows. “Guess I'm even more all talk and no action than... So you can be angry with me if you want, because I certainly am.”

Ide's turned away again, is starting to put away the crockery that they used earlier. The gap is open and he should fill it with the truth. _By that point, you’d already been killing for him. You weren’t going to switch sides once you’d made that choice._ Aizawa would say it, probably even more bluntly. 

Except that Aizawa _wouldn’t_ say it, because Aizawa doesn’t know. He might suspect, but he doesn't know for sure. 

Ide's the only one who knows, and didn't he just think that he wishes none of it ever happened?

“I'm not angry with you,” he says. “Remember I haven't forgotten any of this. I... I wasn't very happy when I found out but... I've had the time to process it. You're just... just doing that now.” And you can process being scared. You can process being a bystander. Ide can't just tell about all the deaths and expect Matsuda to live with it. He's done enough things he regrets by now.

“You made mistakes,” he says, “but you're sorry. And you’ve… been under a lot of strain. If you rest and… if you just rest and keep a low profile, things will get better.”

Matsuda nods like it makes sense, like Ide actually knows what he’s talking about.

“You may as well stay here for now,” Ide carries on. “It’s not – it’s not a problem for me.”

Matsuda blurts out, “You don’t like being on your own these days.”

Ide half-wants to punch him for saying it out loud. Up until now Matsuda had known it wasn’t the kind of thing you just _admitted_.

“Sorry,” Matsuda says. “Sorry. I just remembered that I knew that and… sorry. It’s fine. I… I’d like to stay. I… god, if I go back to my parents now with all this forgotten stuff they’ll…”

“That’s fine, then. Stay.”

Another pause before Matsuda says, “Look, I know I should know this, and I’m sorry, but, but when you’re saying that, do you mean… I mean, do you mean…” He takes a deep breath, as if he’s nerving himself up to ask something really terrible, and says, “Are we still… with each other, like that, or did that… stop?”

Ide stares at him and – there are so many reasons to say, _It stopped, we decided it was a bad idea, there’s nothing between us now._ Sure, Matsuda can remember them being… close… but it isn’t like he’ll question it if Ide just says, _We made a mistake_. And how – after all that Matsuda’s done, how –

Instead, he says, “It stopped because you’ve been locked up for possibly killing Raito for the last two weeks.”

Matsuda nods and he should leave it alone but he doesn’t, he just says, “Do you want it to… to stay like that?”

It feels like it’s been a long time since anyone asked _what do you want_.

Ide swallows and hears himself say, “You probably can’t remember why you started it. I’ll understand if you’d rather let it be.”

“I… okay, no, I can’t remember making a _decision_ ,” Matsuda says, blushing again. “But… I mean, I don’t care about that, it… it’s nice. Being with you. Even if you don’t know how to do romance properly.” He laughs, but it’s shaky. “I remember that. That it’s nice. I think… I think we were both scared and it sort of happened and maybe it wouldn’t have done if things had been different, but it did and… I want to… If you don’t hate me. It’s okay if you hate me and you never want to come near me again. But if you don’t then I’d… I’d like…”

_We were both scared._

It’s not the truth but all at once Ide doesn’t care. There’s going to be so much unspoken stuff in the room with them that he’s going to have to ignore. If he can pretend that having this – this attachment, whatever it is, will make everything else all right, then that can only help, right?

“Yes,” he says. His throat is dry. “I’d like… as well.”

“Well… good.” Matsuda grins, and Ide tries not to think how he’s smiling and it’s good to see him smiling and it’s horrible because you shouldn’t get to look like that after you’ve killed that many people. No. No, he is not going to dwell on it. They’re both alive and they’re both here and Matsuda, the real Matsuda, is with him and talking to him and he’s not going to have to be alone. Not now. Not yet.

“Do you want something to eat?” he says, managing to meet Matsuda’s eyes and sound halfway normal. Matsuda nods. “Yeah. I’m starving.”

***  
Time passes. Day by day.

Ide struggles to stay at home but he struggles to go outside. He's waiting for someone else to tell him what to do. No, he's waiting for someone else to tell him it's all right to do whatever he's chosen to. There are never any concrete objections, just the constant panic that somewhere along the way he's disobeyed an order which he should have listened to. He finds himself, one day, too scared to go and make breakfast because the certainty that he'll be _wrong_ stops him walking to the kitchen. Eventually he makes it the several steps and he starts to think what the next task should be and it is as though there's no air in the room. And then he thinks how pathetic and stupid he looks and how much their bullshit about obedience to Kira has sunk in and the next thing he realises he's grabbed a cup off the draining board and thrown it against the wall. The smash breaks the spell, or something, but he's not going to end up like that again, so he makes himself go out, as much as possible, to places he's never lived, places where he won't be noticed, and just walks.

Work, it has been gently intimated via a genial phone call, is something that he should avoid for now. While everything is in such a state of flux. While people might have queries about his history. While the killings have temporarily halted. _You’ll receive a stipend, of course. You’re still an employee._ Ide thinks he should care about this, or be angry about it, or grateful, or something, but it doesn't seem to mean anything. 

Today the sky is grey and the wind is hurling around the branches of the trees, scattering the ground with cherry blossom. But it’s not actually raining, so Ide is walking through a park with his hands in his pockets, trying to look like he has somewhere to be. Parks and streets and open spaces are better than shops. He's trying to pretend that he's absolutely fine surrounded by people but too many times he knows someone must be watching and that by now his mistakes are uncountable.

The park is empty and he's just grateful for that, which is stupid, because he doesn't realise he's being followed until someone draws alongside him, matches his pace. He glances over and sees a figure in a hooded jacket, a scarf wrapped over their mouth; cold, pale eyes and a smear of scar tissue down half the visible skin.

“Don’t just stand still,” Mello snaps from under the scarf. “Way to draw attention to us.”

Ide swallows. For a few moments he can’t remember how to walk. 

“Just keep going,” Mello snaps. “Look, I’m not here to kidnap you, if that’s what you’re thinking. So you can stop being so twitchy.”

Ide finds himself nodding as if it’s that easy, _just stop being scared_ , but he does manage to put one foot in front of the other.

“Okay, good.” Mello matches his pace, hands in his pockets. “So. Spill. What really happened?”

“When… when exactly?” He sounds hoarse, but at least he has managed to speak.

“How did you get your responsible adult privileges back?”

“You’ve been watching me.” Stupid. As if he didn't know that would be happening. It's not the same and he knows it's not the same but underneath everything it is. _So many mistakes._

“Only a bit,” Mello says. “And I don’t think anyone else has, if that makes you feel any better.” He kicks a stone out of the way. “I’ve mainly been watching the current crop of Kira loonies. You know, trying to see how much of a threat they really are. I mean, sure they look like they’re focusing on shaking people down for enough money to make Kira come back to this sinful world, but how do I know someone’s not just biding their time? How do I know someone didn’t kill Yagami and pinch the Note and is just waiting for the perfect moment to launch the third Kira? Or fourth. Fuck it, I’ve lost count.” 

Jacket rustles as he pulls something – a bar of chocolate – out of his pocket. Through a mouthful he says, “Trust me, you’re not my first choice for an informant either, but you’re literally the only one who’s not having a breakdown and isn’t going to lie to me. So. Spill.”

The words – bored, casual Japanese, thrown into the air like a handful of gravel, puts the brakes on the panic, makes life flat again. Ide reminds himself that people who want to hurt you will generally just do it. And besides, whatever Mello is up to, he’s not on Kira’s side.

“There aren’t any more notebooks,” he says. “One of them, the… the shinigami took away when it went back to its… world. The other was the one – the one Matsuda was – using. He took that with him when we left, and we burnt it.”

Mello raises an eyebrow, comes to walk next to him again. “And he was okay with that?”

“Yes.”

A snort. “Did he know he’d lose his memories?”

Of course Mello would know straight off that that’s what would happen. Ide swallows. “I don’t know. I hadn’t. Remembered.”

“Mm. How’s he doing now?”

Ide looks round at him. “Why? You can’t – you don’t feel sorry for him.” He knows as soon as he's said it that it's a stupid question. No one should be feeling sorry for Matsuda.

“No,” Mello says, voice chilly now. “I mean, I’d be happy if he'd have got executed for mass murder, if I’m being honest. Or gave up and died because he couldn’t take the guilt. Save me a job –”

Ide nearly starts yelling but he doesn’t know what he’d say. It’s not like he could do anything if Mello decided he did want revenge. Breath sticks in his throat as if he’s breathed in fragments of blossom. 

Mello is saying, “Oh, for god’s sake, deal with it. He killed a good chunk of Kira’s victims, didn’t he? Matt got killed thanks to him, and Matt was just meant to be helping me out... And he had no fucking right taking out Near.”

Ide grits his teeth and makes himself say, “What are you trying to say here? Are you trying to get me to… or are you warning me that… or… because if you’re hinting, I doubt I’ll work it out – not being a _genius_ – so just say it, whatever it is…”

Just great. He is so _incredibly_ grateful to be demonstrating why it is fortunate he doesn’t need to show up at work at the moment. To be practically falling to pieces in front of a former Mafia leader and successor to L, stammering and stumbling like a child –

Mello lets him finish the rambling before he says, “He killed Yagami, right?”

Ide still can’t bring himself even to think about this too much. Too much of a risk. He has nightmares sometimes that everyone’s found out, that they’re coming for Matsuda, coming for Ide for helping cover it up. Or that he’s just blurted it out as if he can’t keep it a secret any longer.

“Because there’s no way that bastard would suicide of his own accord,” Mello carries on. “And you and I know he was only sharing Kira’s power with one other person. Whose gun happened to be the one he so-conveniently blew his own brains out with. Apparently.” He sounds scornful. Ide wishes he could work out how much smouldering rage there is underneath.

“Well… you wanted Kira dead, didn’t you?” he says.

“God, I’m not _bothered_ about his death. Just want to know when a plan works, that’s all.”

Which makes no sense. Ide mumbles something like _Huh?_ and Mello pauses with the chocolate halfway to his mouth before he carries on, “Hang on, you… oh, for god’s sake. Matsuda was going crazy trying to figure out a way to keep on everyone’s side, and we both know Kira’s solution to any problem is to kill all the people involved. If I stirred shit up a bit, I knew it’d only be a matter of time before he decided to get rid of you lot. I figured if Matsuda was of any use it’d be then, and if not and you all died then you wouldn’t have been any good to me anyway. Makes sense?”

Silence except for crows cawing in the trees.

Ide knows he has to say something but it is like the breeze is grabbing all the words away. At last, hardly able to get his head round what he's saying, he stammers, “So that's why you called the house. You wanted Raito to think you were planning something. You told him about what I'd said because you were trying to – to provoke a crisis –”

“Yeah, and it worked, didn’t it?”

“We could have died,” Ide says. He sounds almost calm, as if he’s just checking he’s understood this. 

“Yeah, you _always_ could’ve died. From the moment you started hunting him you could’ve died. I thought you’d worked that out… hey, you were the one who kept out of it at first, weren’t you? Bet you wished you’d timed _that_ better –”

Mello moved him and Aizawa into the firing line like it was nothing. God, if Matsuda hadn't done what he did – Mello _wanted_ to see them die, almost, to galvanise the situation – and suddenly he's shouting, too late to stop, too late to take it back, something like _Nice of you not to warn us we were just goddamn puzzle pieces –_

“Hey.” Mello is in front of him, eyes narrowed, an edge to his voice that says he would have absolutely no problem shooting someone in the head even in central Tokyo at ten a.m. “That’s how it goes. That’s how they see it. So that’s what we’ve got to do if we want to win. I learnt that years ago, don't know why it's taking you this long. Now shut up and listen. I’m not touching Matsuda. He’s not worth my time and hey, he _did_ do me a favour in the end. But I want to know how much _he_ knows.”

Ide doesn’t want to answer the question but Mello seems happy with waiting. Eventually he starts walking again. If he walks he can pretend everything is all right, like he always does. Following the path. Past a clump of soggy willow trees, round a concrete-edged lake.

“You didn’t tell him, did you?” Mello says, at last. “He forgot he’d murdered a bunch of people and you didn’t remind him.” He doesn’t even sound especially angry about it. More just pleased to have got a right answer.

Silence would be a confession anyway, so Ide says at last, “What would be the point in explaining? He can’t change any of it and… and he can’t ever remember. It would just… he’d just know he’d done something terrible without being able to believe it.”

Mello shrugs. “Some people – like your pal Aizawa, perhaps – might say it’d serve him right. It’s not like he _didn’t_ do it.”

“Well, Aizawa doesn’t know. So it doesn’t matter.” The breeze is colder. Ide shoves his hands harder into his pockets and wishes he was somewhere else.

“So he gets away with it,” Mello says, lightly.

“And? I can’t help remembering _you’ve_ got several deaths on your conscience.” His voice shakes as he says it – Mello hasn't asked _and what about the other dead guy_ – but Mello only shrugs: “I’m not as crazy as some people about the whole justice thing. Just wondering if it doesn’t piss _you_ off.”

Mello, with Mello’s genius for exploiting weak points. Ide curls his hands into fists and tells himself he isn't going to be manipulated like this. 

“Not even a little bit?” Mello says, a faint edge of jeering in his voice.

Ide is about to say _No_ but he realises in the nick of time how defensive it would sound, how much like a lie. It isn't a lie. He knew looking for revenge would be pointless. What would the revenge even be for? Raito thought up all the worst parts of what’s happened and Matsuda murdered Raito for him. If anything, Ide _owes_ Matsuda silence. 

Matsuda knows that he didn't stand up for the right thing when it counted. Matsuda's sad and sorry about that. But he's still him. If Ide told him anything, the burden would crush him. (And if it's frustrating, sometimes, to see Matsuda still basically carefree, still counting himself as more or less a good person, that's hardly a big deal, is it?)

It would be nice, of course, if Ide didn't feel like he was carrying a hell of a lot on his shoulders in return. And if this wasn't directly because of Matsuda's actions. And if he wasn’t the only one having to face up to having used the notebook. 

It would be nice, as well, if he could bear to speak to Aizawa without thinking of all the stuff he's keeping back. Not that Aizawa's speaking to anyone very much these days. 

But you can't just keep hating. You move on. You keep walking.

“Okay, fine,” Mello is saying, breaking into the thoughts which Ide has been working really hard on _not_ thinking. “Do what you want. Secrets can be useful, right? Is he still obsessed with Yagami? He must’ve been a mess when he died.”

Ide shrugs. “I don’t know. I haven’t asked him.” What’s he going to do if Matsuda says yes? Sometimes the man will be oddly quiet and sad but he’ll never explain what he’s thinking about. And if he’s broken-hearted about Raito’s death, he presumably remembers enough to know Ide isn’t the person to ask for sympathy about it. (Ide tries not to think how there isn’t really anyone else who could offer sympathy. The relationship was a sham. Matsuda is better off without Raito. Matsuda probably barely remembers the last few months of being with him. And if he does, well, that’s the price he pays, isn’t it?)

“The Kira supporters said someone else died,” Mello says, casually.

Ide was half-expecting this so he manages not to stumble, even though he feels like the path’s suddenly narrowed to a tightrope.

“Really?” he says.

“Yeah. Yagami and then this other guy within a day or something. Shocking, isn’t it?”

“Maybe Raito had already written his name down.” Ide can hear his own voice blank and tired and barely putting effort into the lie. But Mello only says, “Right. That’s probably what happened.” Silence for a second. Then, thank god, he’s saying, “Anyway, I should get going.” He’s turning off the path, into a patch of trees. As he goes, he calls over his shoulder, “Might see you around sometime. Someone’s gonna have to be L, after all…”

Ide stares after him as he disappears among trunks and branches. He stares until he’s quite sure Mello’s gone and then he starts walking again and waits for the panic to sink back to baseline levels. 

His phone rings.

“Hey,” Matsuda is saying. “How’s it going?”

“It’s... it’s all right.”

“I wondered,” Matsuda says, a little nervously, “I wondered if you were around tonight. I could… if you’re okay with it, maybe I could come see you. My dad’s kind of… and I think he could do with me being out of the house.”

Matsuda’s parents are often _kind of_. Not that Matsuda’s told them anything, but they’re aware that their son got embroiled with some kind of political power struggle and now has a reputation that makes him not especially desirable as an employee. Sometimes Ide thinks he should just bite the bullet and say _Come and live with me for a while._ It isn’t as if he doesn’t know what it’s like being around Matsuda twenty-four hours a day, and when he is on his own there’s too much waiting, and too much worrying that he’s crossed a line somewhere or that any moment the door will open and someone will be there and he won’t be able to do anything to stop them. 

But people would talk. Aizawa would probably never speak to him again. And, of course, if he was around Matsuda all the time, more of the thoughts he shouldn’t dwell on would come to the surface. Things might be said. 

You have to keep walking.

But, “That’s fine,” he says, this time. “You know it is.”

“Yeah, well, it might not be, sometimes,” Matsuda says. “I mean, you might want to read or… or whatever else you do when I’m not there. Okay, so I’ll see you later? Seven o’clock?”

“Sure. You can… you can stay. If you want. I mean. If you don’t want to have to run for the last train.”

“That’d be nice,” Matsuda says, and he sounds like he means it. 

The call cuts and there’s just the splash of water and the laughter of the crows. A rhythmic cackle that makes Ide think of Ryuk. But apart from that, the park sounds like it always has. As if all the things that have happened were only ever in his head.

He keeps walking and goes back to trying not to think about them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a long closing chapter, my apologies, but I wanted to get it posted. Thank you so much for all the reviews and kudos, they have made me really happy! This story was meant to be a short fun side project and somehow got much longer than I'd intended, so it was great to have people still reading and liking! Thank you all :)


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